Tortoise or the Hare

[chromosphere]

Fearless,

You make some very good points. I appreciate very much your insights.

I am a bit confused. Are you or are you not trying to change her?

Not to seem anal, but at this point maybe we could define "change her." Change is a nebulous word, as everyone changes all the time based on new experiences. What I imagine in my mind as wanting from her is for her to develop new "skills" and a change in attitude toward our marriage and its various components. I envision what she is saying is that I want her to become some fundamentally different person, with the implication that I don't like "who she is." So maybe this is simply a case of us debating past each other with nebulous terminology. I do realize that what I want is significant, but I don't think it is unreasonable. I am definitely willing to make a similar level of change in myself if that is what she needs.

I think the honest answer is "YES I want you to change so we can have a better and stronger relationship."

Makes sense.

Also you could ask her what she wants from you.

I have. She doesn't know. I'm not being facetious

Then you are not as self confident as you think.

No, I am aware of my low level of self-confidence. Painfully aware.

and nothing my XH did while we were married hurt that self confidence

I have a difficult time imagining being that way.

And Yes there is nothing I could do to make myself feel like he loved me. HOWEVER that did not effect how I saw myself.

I can see how this is an ideal way to be. The Catch-22 is that in my efforts to develop that safe place, I keep slipping because of troubling thoughts concerning the M.

Failure is not fatal; failing to change will be. John Wooden

I'd say that pretty much sums it up.

Any thoughts on my Enneagram score? I'm trying to picture in what ways it can be helpful.

Chrome

p.s. I do know that I over think things too much, and that leads me to talk circles around myself and to her. I do have it in mind to take a more action-oriented approach. Its just I feel this need to talk things out sometimes, despite the fact that it never does anything good. Perhaps it is a compulsion of mine.