Did you check out my thread? Any advice/thoughts for me?
Hope all goes well & you have a great day!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
When you call to interview C - see if they are Solution Based - find out if they want to start with the focus on fixing the problems rather than "looking to the past" to see how you got where you are. I interviewed 5 - picked one a friend used and she still spent two sessions on our past and after only 8 session told H to just D me....though at this time he did not admit the OW. My latest C was through our work TEAM program - see TEAM online http://www.team-eap.com/ this C was awesome - knows and supports DB and knew all the books I have been reading - sad thing is I did not even interview just went where it was paid for thru the new job....go figure!!!!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Thanks Cadesmom and heartbroken, I will check out your thread C, from some of the stuff i have read it sounds like we might have a few things in common. I really can't give you any advice now, except tell you that it was better for me to talk to my husband about things in the end and that I wish I had asked him about how he was feeling a couple of weeks ago. About having second thoughts again. I feel like that is were we went wrong. Not communicating, partially his fault though. His feelings were I might have said something today that I meant, but tomorrow, I might feel differently. He seems to be up and down all the time. Changes his thinking. That is why he takes things day by day. I will check out your thread. I really need some one to talk to.Thanks!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
No problem, sweets. Unfortunately, we are all in crappy sitch's, but luckily we're here and hopefully are finding the knowledge & support to work things out the right way. I guess my sitch is really different in that my H is leaving May 1 for a year deployment. Right now, I'm just working on making our home life and our M as wonderful as possible so that is what he sees when he finally (hopefully he does this) has time to sit back & truly think about things from afar and maybe finally start looking at himself too. So far, everything has been my fault. I feel like everything from our financial difficulties, to him quitting school, to his cheating, to the fact that our oldest boy is a bit spoiled, is all my fault as far as he is concerned. Anyway, that's my plan for now. I guess I'm still on the fence (or more like it haven't really thought it through completely) as to whether we will need/have to have an R talk before he leaves. I guess I'm just afraid to do that -- the time is so short and I don't want to screw up what good seems to have happened in the past few weeks by doing that. Anyway, didn't mean to hijack your thread.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
That's ok! I understand a little. My H was in the Navy the first 2 years we were married. I understand about you being scared to bring up R talk. For me it was because I was afraid of what he might say. I think a mess up i did last week was playfully saying how come he didn't call me honey anymore. I think that made him think a little about because he didn't feel it. Anyway, tonight he is coming over for supper. I hope he doesn't feel uncomfortable, don't know for sure though, I sent him a couple of text mess today and his response was short. Don't know if he is having second thoughts about something he said or did last night. Im not really sure if I want to cook him supper tonight, but I will decide when that time comes. I will let u know what happens. I am just about to the point were I can't keep doing this. I want to tell him that "I love you, but, I can't keep letting u put me in this position of feeling vulnerable to you. Go and find what it is you are looking for. I am going on with my life and take care of our kids and when you know 100% what it is u want call me and we will talk. I just can't keep letting him hold on to me just in case. It's not good for me to be waiting in the wings while he is dating other women.I have to let go at some point, not sure if I am ready. i do want to wait until he talks to MC before I say anything like that.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I hear you, I've been very, very close many times to saying that exact thing. I figure if he hasn't "figured it out" by the time he gets back, I'm going to be so used to not having him around anyway that I'm going to be like "there's the door; go see what it's going to be like if we aren't together, but still in the same town, etc. See what it's going to be like financially and only seeing the boys on weekends or whatever. Enough is enough" I've taken & listened to so much crap from him, I can't even believe I haven't kicked him out sooner. He has said so many hateful/hurtful things and then says "well, it's just the truth." I kind of feel like this year is a gift. For he and I both to figure things out and hopefully at the end, we'll be together. Sometimes, through all of this, I look at him and just see a total stranger. Maybe that's how he sees me though and that's why he can and does say the things to me he says. Maybe that's how we get them back, by reminding them of who we used to be and that the person they are looking at is still ME!! I guess that's DB'ing -- GAL, etc. But then I've said that to him before -- IT'S STILL ME, THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED!
Definitely wait until after the C session before you do anything hasty though!!
I guess I'm not ready to let go either, but sometimes I wonder why -- I mean for both of us after all the crap they've put us through -- why are we kissing their a$$es and making everything hunky dorey for them.??
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I agree with you. Why should we be giving them everything when we get nothing in return. The problem with my H is that he is so nice to me. He is not a mean or ugly person. He is helpful to everyone, He would do anything for me and I mean anything except committ fully to fix our marriage. I asked him last night why he had to be nice to me. I think it would be easier if he just was down right ugly to me. I think....That's what makes it so hard how can I let go of someone who still makes me laugh. We get along great. I have I guess what people would call a sweet spirit about me. When people found out about our separation, they were shocked, we were the perfect couple and family. I hope that with more time, if that means with someone else, he will come around and realize the big mistake he made. MY H jumped right from being married to me to dating someone else seriously then back with me again. I think he realizes his mistake there that he needs to be alone to think about what makes him happy. HE is so confused. I am going to wait until after c session before i do anything.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
My H was never mean/ugly before either. I think his problem is letting the years of anger, resentment, etc. build up toward me for things that he truly never bothered to talk to me about and I think he's slightly MLC plus he allows stress (year deployment along w/ financial issues etc.) to really get to him. Anyway everyone was shocked at what he was doing in our sitch too (wanting a D) because no one else saw it coming either (and I surely didn't). Hindsight is 20/20, etc., but still!!
All we can do is continue to do what we've been doing and hope that in the end they see that even through all this crap, we still stuck by them and just loved them anyway!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I asked my husband what did it mean to him that I have stuck by him though everything so far? He said that it meant that I was a Friend. ????????
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I asked my husband what did it mean to him that I have stuck by him though everything so far? He said that it meant that I was a Friend. ????????
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
