It is snowing here in Michigan again! We had 70s not too long ago!! Bleh!!!!!
"We teach others how to treat us."
I think this is a Dr. Philism. But it is true of us and everyone we know. If you don't like the way someone is treating you but you don't do anything to change - why would you expect any other outcome? In other words, if you do "More of the same" why wouldn't those who interact with you do "More of the same" too?
This is something I have struggled with in regards to Jill - my STBCAXW. I have lived in fear since she filed the D back in Sept 06 - not because I am afraid of her - but because I have been afraid of what she could to in terms of D settlement. So I guess I am afraid of her actions. She has been a loose cannon and has either threatened me or flip flopped several times during the settlement phase - all with crazy ideas of what is fair (to her of course). While I have had to endure this crap from her, I did quit taking her verbal crap. Heck, I have hung up the phone on her several times always prefacing it with "You know what, I don't have to take this from you anymore." CLICK!
I have been working on this more lately - teaching my XW how to treat me. At first, I thought I should apply the Golden Rule. But what I have found is that no matter how nicely I treated her, I still got treated like crap. So I had to get more forceful with her and really establish boundaries. As soon as I did that, we had a much better understanding and my stress levels started to decrease.
So, how do I want my interaction with my XW to be? She of course has always felt that she will wash her hands of me with a D - but we all know we will be involved in terms of the children for the rest of our lives. But how do I want this interation to be? I guess peaceful, but at what cost? There are so many times I feel like I am being a pushover. Why? She provided me with a list of my share of expenses for March 2007 and included my 50% of the $230 D filing fee. Isn't this ethically messed up? I mean she filed, she has free legal benefits, she started all this - why do I have to pay 1/2 of it? I told her I wasn't paying this at all even though intially I said okay. Why did she even ask me to pay any of this?
But how do I not feel like a pushover or being too nice? I don't want to be a jerk to her, but she does some wacky things that really tick me off. When is it time to speak up and speak my mind? Or is it better to just detach from it? I guess in the end it will go the way of DBing her even though my M has already ended. Good enough reason I guess to never stop DBing the X.
I don't know. I just don't want my interaction with her for the rest of my life to be stressful. Learning as I go I guess....
