Yes there is still hope...no D has been filed and no one is remarried!!!....there is always hope...it what you do with it that counts...
Sleep is important but regular sleep times are more important...I personally think when you take a second dose at 530am you are messing things up...I remember I went through this also but I didn't take sleeping pills...not that you shouldn't but I think if you take one at a normal time, say 10pm...and you wake up at 2 go back to sleep...wake up at 530...just get up...I remember for a while I was going to sleep about 12 and getting up at 330-4am....yes I was tired during the day but eventually my body gave in and I started falling asleep earlier at night and sleeping a few more hours in the morning...but again, I think that second pill is messing you up...and girl...you are taking a lot of meds....I know the Dr. prescribed them but sometimes we need to question why and what they are prescribing...it might not be best for you to be mixing all those and it seems that you are increasing dosages as you go along....I just think that this might be rebounding on you and causing more harm then good....you know?
"Until the would heals she will remain there"
Not necessarily a wound you created...this is not one person's doing in this R...you both have wounds...you just treat them differently....
I still disagree with him needing to tell you he was going out of town....just because his car isn't where you "think" it should be at a given time doesn't mean he isn't somewhere nearby...and if there was a need to contact him you could leave a message on his cell phone (don't do it just to check up on him though....he will know it for what it is....your control issues...and this will push him farther away...I MEAN IT!)
Most A's are doomed to failure for the reasons you point out...however, if you continue to be a basket case he will be able to justify his actions to friends, family, and associates...so that is why it is VITAL that you STOP focusing on HIS LIFE and focus on YOUR OWN LIFE!!!
"Sometimes I think he just blocks it completely out of his head"
You hit the nail on the head...he doesn't want to deal with you or the M problems right now and she provides a distraction...the more you keep him focusing on you the more she looks desirable right now...you need for YOU to focus on YOU...NOT THEM....then you can master yourself and your emotions...that is when you will become attractive...it isn't a physical thing...sure those guys in Vegas were attracted to you...but it was all physical... that is not what holds a marriage together...when you became emotionally unattractive is when he finally bailed...not that this all on you, NO...but your part you already know...so it is now upto you to take care of YOU...
"That's why I keep praying that if I can just hold on and not be a basket case and get my head and heart together that I will start to look more and more attractive to him and she less and less."
Once again, this is NOT ABOUT HER!!!...She is just a Band Aide...but remember those can become attractive...remember as a child how if your mom bought the cartoon ones...you would look for a boo boo to put them on until they were all gone???...lets just keep her plain...don't color her up for him!
By the way...you don't have a corner on the market of emotions...I also cry at Disney films....I cry when someone wins big on the Price is Right show!!!....I would watch movies alone in my room because I would ball like a baby...Steel Magnolias, Terms of Endearment, and the list can go on...they don't even have to have someone die in them for me to cry....I am a very emotional person, my feelings get hurt easily, I am sensitive to others feelings and feel extremely bad if I find out I hurt someone even if I didn't mean to....when I found out what my husband thought of me...even though a lot of it was his OWN distorted perception....I was so so so remorsefully devistated it wasn't a pretty picture...yes, there were days I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up....I even had H sign a legal document that if anything should happen to me or if I became incompetant to care for our son that his custody would go to our adult daughters....hows that for devistated???...H was concerned that I might hurt myself...I never considered that but just was sure that the grief I was feeling was capable of taking me out of the picture somehow...so don't think you are the only one who is sensitive...and don't allow yourself to excuse yourself from doing what you need to do because of it!!!
"3.) I can pick myself back up with my bootstraps and become the fun-loving, kind-hearted, sexual woman that I once was...I need to learn to be patient, not only with this situation, but with myself"
Pick number 3 BUT edit out all the other crap...this is all you need!!!
"I'm a bit impatient LOL, so anything to speed up this process would be wonderful...."
Again, you CAN NOT speed this up no matter what you do...but what will happen when you take the focus off of him and put it on you is you will begin to feel in control and you will feel your confidence return....
What are things you can do...well it is up to you...what makes you feel good...I did some pottery, painting, poetry, dined outside at a nice restaurant...alone, I would lay in the sunshine on a nice warm day and focus on the feel of the breeze on my skin, the feel of the sunshining on ME, I listened to the little birds chirping away, I watched the butterfly flutter around, I listened to the wind blow through the trees....I got a hummingbird feeder and enjoyed watching them...really watching them and their antics...even named on, Eugene!...All these things brought me calm, peace, and the realization that things were not so bad...that life was worth living and it was up to me to live!...these were easy things for me to do...and while I was doing them I felt great...later I might have sat down and cried my eyes out....I might have felt very sad, hurt, and devistated...but I knew where the light was...and I made sure I got into that light each day!!!...this is how I started feeling better for ME...
POSTIVES
No one has filed for D He does still speak to you (my H wouldn't for months at a time, not even the kids) He asks if your hungry and brings lunch He hasn't moved all his belongings out of the house He doesn't spend every single moment of his free time with OW He is willing to not tell others about OW and act as if he is still with you He still wishes to work with you even on new ventures (my H was cutting me out of his work) He isn't telling you things about OW ( I had to hear how wonderfully perfect my H's OW was)
I have to tell you Tam, you have many many many more positives then I did for a very very very long time...I had to rely more on faith then hope because he wasn't giving me any hope at all...
So get with your day...make it what you want...and stop obsessing about H...he will take care of himself...you need to focus on YOU for now!
