Duty, love, and attitude

[Crazy Eddie]

Did you figure that out and make that change on your own or did a therapist help?

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of years. I went because it was the best way to get hold of ADHD medication and see if it would solve my problems, not because I wanted or felt I needed "psychiatric treatment" other than to get my brain firing on all cylinders so I could finally be a productive member of society and stop letting everyone down. It helped, but not completely; I'm still having some problems with ADHD. We switched medicines a few times, and I recently found one that did something wonderful:

Shortly after starting it, I spent a few days feeling really good. I noticed that the anxiety, fear, dread, and shame I'd been feeling since.... well, actually I have trouble remembering a time that I didn't carry it around, and I'd basically long since stopped really noticing it... anyway, it was just gone. That only lasted a couple of days, but it made quite an impression on me and I kept thinking about it. Kept reading messageboards like this one. Saw what I'd been carrying around, what I should have let go of on my 18th birthday but stopped noticing long before that point, saw how I'd been hiding from everyone and neglecting them because I thought they were "putting me on trial" and they'd see any day now just how badly I was failing them, saw how I'd been blaming them for harping on my failures when they just missed me and needed me and I was doing all the punishing all by myself and blaming them.

I'm just getting started, and I still don't know how to let go of all this for good, but at least I've gotten pretty good at not blaming the people who love me and I'm hiding from them less.

My guess is your wife is happier also because when she reminded you of something and you when into your "I'm an idiot" mode, she felt BADLY because that was NOT her intention. Her intention is merely to get you to pick up the dry cleaning and not to make you feel like an idiot. Right?

Yes, it's that whole "enmeshment" concept. I feel bad, think she's making me feel bad and that she's doing it on purpose. She sees me hurt and angry and believes she did something wrong, only she can't see what she could have possibly done wrong, and gets frustrated because she can't figure out how to keep me happy and on her side. I had to see that I was feeling bad all on my own, and I had to show her that she could work with me, reach out to me, and ask for what she needs from me without hurting me.

I see this sort of thing all over the place here. When you feel ashamed of yourself, it's an unpleasant chore to get naked, literally and figuratively, with the one person whose judgement and rejection you fear more than anything else in the world. When your failure to do so hurts that other person, you feel more ashamed of yourself and find it even harder to come out of your shell. And when you've been carrying that stuff around so long you think it belongs there, you blame the other person for poking at it and confuse the heck out of them when you retaliate for imaginary offenses.

I wonder if the "alpha man" stuff gets results more because a person who sees you get hurt or angry or fearful over everything they do feels more like a failure and less like exposing herself to you, while a person who sees you keep it together and stay happy whatever they do will feel safe exposing whatever it is they're not happy with and open up to you in and out of the bedroom more readily without fearing that they'll hurt you or fail you somehow. I can say that I defer to my wife more than might be considered advisable around here, but she's a lot happier (and hornier) when I enjoy her company and work with her calmly and happily rather than fear her judgement or react badly to innocent things she does, whether or not I'm doing the leading. Maybe I just got lucky and found an exceedingly good wife.