Please listen, 2940831, I am am almost afraid to read your postings because they startle flashbacks for me. I am so sorry for your suffering. I reacted in 2001 as you have done. I felt suicidal. I 'borrowed' my friend's therapist for a conversation to get me through the first horrible wave. Like you, I was vomiting with grief, crashed out weeping and paralyzed with disbelief and anxiety.
I am a very much a loner without good resources, including family. I resorted to my medical doctor who reacted with "drug therapy" like yours. She was horrified by the situation and not equipped to comfort except with prescriptions. She hooked me up with the clinic counselor who just sat there and looked worried as well. "Realty Lady" as I think of you, I 'rescued' myself accidentally with a book called "Emotional Alchemy" that mentioned mindfulness and the possibility of using deep breathing techniques to interfere with panic attacks. From there I gradually calmed myself by daring myself to live through the times when I would get twisted with fear and grief. I kept Xanax in a drawer, but did not take them.
I bought a small puppy to keep near and to take walking. Walking is the best therapy for your anguish. It helps in a natural way. Careful, slow breathing, while 'noticing' frantic thoughts but sending them away helps most. One of my wayward husband's friends, a Hindu business man, implored me to be "a rock in the river". I have tried. You cannot control events. You can have quite a lot of control about your own reactions.
I hope you keep loving your husband and forgive him for being cruel. He is struggling with his own misery and although he may try to blame you, step around that. Resist fighting back. {Tell him you are inclined,if you are, to move out of the office for awhile... don't be inconsiderate just because he is...} I am embarrassed to give advice to anyone, about anything. I am still struggling to "close the deal" on my husband's return, but we are reinventing finally. We did make it out the other side.
He does respect and love me above others, still. The dog and I still walk... he wishes you well too! What a special dog!
