LL, Believe me, you are certainly not the only woman dealing with this issue. I have hundreds of emails from women just like you. Low desire in men is very common and is, I believe, America's best kept secret. Even this morning I was on the radio in DC and there were many callers to the station. There were high desire men, high and low desire women, but obviously missing from the mix was low desire men. They don't talk about it. It is too shameful. One of the reasons I wrote this book is to encourage people to talk about the differences in their desire levels whether they're men or women.
I do believe, LL, that the book will help you feel better and offer you some new ideas about your marriage. I'm delighted that you are together and still working things out.
I also am wondering whether you would be willing to talk to a writer about what it's like to be in your shoes- completely anonymously, of course. You would not be identified in any way. (If any other people who are in marriages where the wife has a higher desire than her husband, feel free to contact me too.) You can post here or email me at divbuster@aol.com.
GD, I know it feels as if your h was punishing you and it's entirely possible that that was the case, however, in my work with couples, I do not find this to be what really happens. It feels that way, but in truth, the low desire spouse has all sorts of issues going on and punishing his or her spouse isn't one of them. When you feel your spouse is punitive, you start feeling angry, resentful and hurt and those feelings prompt less than desirable behavior in you, which of course, is hardly an aphrodisiac. Get the picture?
The bottom line is that rejection hurts. Contiinual rejection destroys what's good about marriage. Hopefully, The Sex-Starved Marriage will prompt folks who aren't in the mood to see the impact "just saying no" has on their relationships. Michele
My w low desire and I am high desire, the rejection took its toll on me and eventually I was angry and miserable with her every time we interacted. So I blamed myself when she announced her intentions to leave, on my thread people who read my story seem to agree she is having a MLC and it had nothing to do with me? Can unequal sex drives lead to a MLC?
I had developed severe PMS after hysterectomy....caused by polysitic ovary. Over a number of months, I noticed severe mood swings, anger, loss of concentration, severe crying that could not be controlled..and I ended up losing employment over....and saw the pattern was cyclical....MONTHLY is the key.
Read an article about PMS...starting tracking monthly symptoms and charting waking basal temp before getting out of bed.....and when my personality changed. There was a direct correlation of when PMS started.
Madison Associates of Madison, WI can send you info...and also manufacture natural progesterone to help with the symptoms and sell vitamins designed for PMS symptoms.
Diet, exercisem, avoiding salt, alcohol, caffeine and excess sugar and eating mini meals 4 x a day helps keep the glucose even. There are a number of good books on PMS...including Susan Clark's PMS book that looks at exercise, yoga, herbs, and other options based on what the majority of symptoms are.
Gd1, In answer to your question, a true narcissist loves you when there is something in it for them...even sex happends when there is something in it for them. The sex will be on their terms in every way from how to when and why. If you expect more they play with your mind and convince you theres something wrong with you ...either you are unreasonable or just outragous.
But most of all a true narcissist wants you to know that if they aren't in the mood, its your fault. And if you have had the *ability* to be the spouse of a narcissist long enough you will believe it. To him it is important that you do believe it.
To a narcisist, at least my H...in his mind he was too good for me. Sex was something he needed like one needs a drink of water. In his mind he was entitled to a crystal goblet but all he had was an ordinary glass...me. The narcissist resents his wife (however lucious and wonderful she is) because she prevents him from having an even more wonderful and lucious wife...which in his mind he is entitiled to. He may openly let her know that and that there is hope for her if she would just step up to the plate and meet the mark. Of course then he'll raise the mark again.
If he is narcissistic then he married you to affirm him. He keeps you because you keep affirming him and the sex to him is simply more affirmation. You're needs to have him truely love you besides just annointing you with his commitment are annoying to him to say the least.
In a relationship with a narcissist, REJECTION and INDIFFERENCE from him are the key emotional tones. They are manipulators of your mind. if you protest they might work with you, but their main goal is to get you back to where you will accept more rejection and indifference.
If he is truely narcissistic, you are not the only person he treats this way. He treats everyone who loves him and might expect some love or reciprocating friendship back the same way. You're just the one he tolerates the best (because there is something in it for him.)- A woman who affirms him.
Michelle is right, in (most) marriages the lack of sex is a misunderstanding, in a narcissistic dynamic its about the EGO...thats what you're there to feed and affirm. When that is the case..you know it deep down, you just dont want to really believe that because you want to believe you can make him love you too.
I think if a man loves you, no matter what hes doing, you know it deep down, and if he doesnt, you also know it deep down.
There is a certain type of woman that gets with a narcissist...she is selfless to her detriment. Its not a healthy dynamic at all.
darkblue, First, it's important to point out that most couples experience mismatched desire levels. That's the norm. Low sexual desire is also very common. In fact, fifty percent of the population has to work at feeling desire. Marriages unravel, not because of the different sexual appetites, but rather the way two people handle their differences. You are honest enough to admit that your actions could have impacted your marriage. It's certainly possible that your anger and misery may have led her to question her commitment to your marriage. There is so much misunderstanding when it comes to sex. That's why I wrote this book- to help people like you and your wife believe that it's possible to change, that you don't have to leave. There is a way to find a meeting ground even with unmatched sexual desire. Hang in there.
irish2, There is no question that there are physiological reasons people lose desire. The point is, with the information we have about how our bodies work, anyone wanting to boost desire can do so. Rather than sit around and wonder what's going on with your body, you need to be proactive. The book leads people to resources for discovering answers if they're experiencing physiological road blocks to feeling turned on. It's great that you found solutions!!! Michele
Sandi, I can't imagine how difficult a situation you must have been in. I appreciate your incite into the mind of a narcissist. My H was diagnosed with an attachment injury related to adoption, possible sex abuse...There was excellent help offered. H elected not to get it. It seems that A.I. victims often go to any lengths to protect from beign 'found out'. They often try to make their partners out to be crazy...to protect themselves. The therapy offers healing and actually teaches them how to feel empathy. Tragic that my H won't do it. The A.I.'experts' also thought their were some narcissistic overtones. In actuality, there seems to be a lot of similarities, and of course, at one time or another we are all probably a bit o everything from martyr to narcissist!
Michele, I understand that how we respond and react creates a whole new response and reaction from our partners. And how someone 'hurt' can often 'act as if' they are punishing. And your first chapter mentions how a 'lack of empathy' can happen because of fears and rejection and a host of other factors. Sometimes it just gets very hard to believe that there isn't a deliberate cruely involved. I would rather believe my H is a victim as opposed to a cruel, arrogant user. So 'acting as if' as you did arriving home from a trip...and finding that your H was so glad to see you intead of angry as you feared...yep we can bring out the beauty or the beast. Sometimes though, it is hard to keep trying. Looking forward to reading your new book. gd
GD, I totally agree with you- that it is hard to see one's spouse as not deliberately hurting you when you feel hurt. That doesn't mean they are deliberately hurting you. Although there are sociopaths in the world, the vast majority of people who visit here aren't married to them. Diagnosing one's spouse is usually a fruitless endeavor because your spouse almost never agrees with your diagnosis, won't seek help and will continue arguing with you about how it's your fault. that's why I don't find labeling other people particularly helpful most of the time. There are exceptions, but not many. But I appreciate your honesty.
It's no fun being in a sex-starved marriage, no matter how you slice it. Michele
MICHELLE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE NEW BOOK. I JUST GOT IT TWO DAYS AGO AND HAVE ALREADY READ IT. MOST OF IT MAKE SENSE TO ME BUT I AM STILL HAVING TROUBLE WITH SOMETHING. MY H CAME HOME TO ME ALMOST ONE YEAR AGO AFTER ADMITTING TO 3 DIFFERENT AFFAIRS, THE LAST ONE BEING WITH A CO-WORKER WHO HE LIVED WITH FOR OVER 9 MONTHS (MY SONS AND I WERE LED TO BELIEVE HE LIVED WITH A MALE CO-WORKER ALL THIS TIME) HE ADMITTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP, WANTED TO MAKE THE M WORK AND CAME HOME. DB HELPED ME THRU ALL OF THIS. NOW THAT HE HAS BEEN HOME, WE ARE STILL NOT INTIMATE. HE CONTINUES TO SAY THAT HE IS NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME (I AM OVERWEIGHT) AND USES THE FACT THAT THE OW LOOKS REQUIRED NO EFFORT FROM HIM IT WAS ALL NATURAL AND EASY WITH HER. I HAVE JOINED THE GYM, I AM EATING HEALTHY AND IT IS ALL FOR ME. HOWEVER, I AM COMING CLOSE TO THE END OF MY ROPE. YOUR BOOKS MENTIONS THIS PROBLEM BUT IS IT REALISTIC TO THINKS I HAVE TO WAIT TO HAVE AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY H UNTIL I HAVE LOST ALL THE EXCESS WEIGHT. CAN I DO ANYTHING AT ALL TO HELP US GO IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION? I AM JUST ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP WHICH IS A SHAME CONSIDERING HOW FAR WE HAVE COME. WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK. THANKS
