Looking Up

[Heywyre]

Thanks guys - I figured that was the answer I would get but just needed some reassurance I guess. And, yes, COG I agree pot is probably less a problem than alcohol and I'm not concerned about the alcohol because he does watch that because of the AD he's taking. I just don't know what affect the pot would have on the AD, if any (my guess it wouldn't)

As for losing his job, that really isn't an issue with him. The only reason he had to have a drug test to begin with is he runs to the States (from Canada) and it is a requirement of the USA not Canada, that he have it. If he lost his job, he would say "no problem" there are lots of others out there and get one that didn't run into the States, so that really isn't that much of a deterent for him

But, I will bite my tongue and just hope he has more maturity than I think he does (and that he has shown lately). Ok, now to busy myself and not think about it

My latest chant: I am not his mummy, I am not his mummy, I am not his mummy

[Heywyre]

Journalling:

The roller coaster is slowing down (I think) and as long as I try and keep busy and keep my mind off of things, I won't get dizzy and fall off the darn thing - lol

H hasn't mentioned the "fight night" anymore - I basically told him if he wanted to go that was fine, I had lots of things to do right here. His comment ... "well if X (the wife of the guy) is going to be there, you can spend time with her". I said "actually she said she was going to a dinner but that doesn't matter, I have lots of things I can do here at home".

Next comment from H ... "well if X (the wife) isn't going to be there, that gives me an out". I said "I thought you wanted to go". H says, "ya, but I can take it or leave it and I don't want to leave you by yourself". I said, "trust me, I am a big girl, I can handle it but I appreciate the concern."

And that's where it is still sitting, whether or not he will be going is still left to be seen.

Monday was good - he met me for lunch (he knows Mondays are my lousiest day - due to him visiting OW on Mondays in the past). We also had lunch together today, so that's a bonus - two days in a row. He also took my shoes into the shoe repair for me - totally unasked for. He was the one that suggested it, I just about fell over. Thanked him profusely for it today and he seemed to appreciate that.

He was a little stand-offish tonight and somewhat condescending but came around a little later on.

I approached the ML talk last night (something I haven't brought up since way before the last bomb). We were cuddling in bed (he has ALWAYS been a cuddler, its something that I think has kept us both strong through all of this mess and he says it makes him feel closer to me (that's a plus I would think although it does seem to be stagnent)

Anyway, he mentioned how good it felt to hold me and I said "do you think we will ever ML again" and he said "yes, we're getting back to that I think, don't you". I was tempted to say "no, I don't think we are at all" but settled for a "it seems that way", which he accepted and then fell asleep (leaving me frustrated as usual)

And for all of you out there that say - "then you be the aggressor" - trust me, I have tried every angle under the sun. Right to the point where he told me he didn't like me taking the initiative and to (basically) back off because it was turning him off so I guess I will just have to be content and wait until he decides its time (which might be around the same time as the saying .... when hell freezes over)

Woe is me ...

[runningoutoftime]

Why is it men always say they want women to be the "aggressor" in bed, but for many of us we'd prefer being ravished by some smitten husband who can't resist us?

[Heywyre]

And what gets me is they say they want to be the aggressor but then they don't aggress

[COG]

Heywyre,

The roller coaster is slowing down (I think)

Yep, it's slowing down because YOU are slowing down, letting go, and moving on with YOUR life.

I said, "trust me, I am a big girl, I can handle it but I appreciate the concern."

You get a GOLD star for that response. You hit it right on the money!

Monday was good - he met me for lunch (he knows Mondays are my lousiest day - due to him visiting OW on Mondays in the past). We also had lunch together today, so that's a bonus - two days in a row. He also took my shoes into the shoe repair for me

I'll interpret those actions for you from a man's perspective, "I love you, I appreciate you, I want to serve you". When your trainee hunting dog does the right thing, then the trainer gives the trainee a reward. Get it?

Anyway, he mentioned how good it felt to hold me and I said "do you think we will ever ML again" and he said "yes, we're getting back to that I think, don't you". I was tempted to say "no, I don't think we are at all" but settled for a "it seems that way", which he accepted and then fell asleep (leaving me frustrated as usual)

Oh Heywyre we are so much in the same boat. All I can say is that I feel your pain.

And for all of you out there that say - "then you be the aggressor" - trust me, I have tried every angle under the sun.

I hear ya! Completely understand your position. I have'nt tried drugging her yet, but that probably would'nt work in your case.

Why is it men always say they want women to be the "aggressor" in bed, but for many of us we'd prefer being ravished by some smitten husband who can't resist us?

And what gets me is they say they want to be the aggressor but then they don't aggress

I tell ya, I just don't get why sex is so darned difficult for some people. Men AND women. I'm not waiting anymore, I'm letting go, moving on. If she wants me to agress, then she'll send me a signal, otherwise, I CAN live without it.

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Yup, have to agree with you there COG - I am withdrawing from sex. Forget it, its just not worth all the upset, struggle and frustration. I can see why people become celibate

I am starting to take care of me!! He is starting to see I am even more independent (which I have to be careful of because that is one of the things that started a lot of problems initially - he thought I didn't need him) so I have to walk softly in that department. But, at the same time, I have to let him know that I won't fall apart without him

I thanked him for taking my shoes in and said this morning that I would drop by after work to pick them up. He said "no dont' worry, I can get them later today, I have the ticket anyway". So I told him he was a sweetheart and he said "its no big deal" and I said "yes, it is a big deal and thank you, I appreciate it". He (almost blushed and) said "you're welcome"

[COG]

Heywyre,

He is starting to see I am even more independent (which I have to be careful of because that is one of the things that started a lot of problems initially - he thought I didn't need him)

Oh ya, that's a biggie. We men want to feel needed, we thrive and relish being needed. If you're too independent, then we just get bored, don't see ourselves as being very valuable or necessary, maybe even get a little intimidated. The strong independent woman usually ends up strong and independent. There's definately a balance somewhere in the middle.

My W admits that she got off track, about 10 years ago when my brother died unexpectedly in an accident. She freaked out at the thought that she might have to face life without me some day. She was very dependent on me. So, unknown to me, she made the concious decision to detach, so that she'd not fall apart if anything ever happened to me. Well, she succeeded in detaching, and becoming strong and independent. I certainly helped her along with my poor behaivior also.

I thanked him for taking my shoes in and said this morning that I would drop by after work to pick them up. He said "no dont' worry, I can get them later today, I have the ticket anyway". So I told him he was a sweetheart and he said "its no big deal" and I said "yes, it is a big deal and thank you, I appreciate it". He (almost blushed and) said "you're welcome"

That's great, very good. Let him finish the job, and reward him even if you don't completely like the way the shoes look when they're done. Don't nitpick anything! Just relish and be thankful for the kind deed.

We have to count our blessings!

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Oh I will definitely NOT say a word, regardless of what the shoes look like (even though they are my most expensive ones - lol) it would be worth it just to have his ego a little fluffed up right

After the second bomb H said he didn't think it would bother me (ya right - thanks a lot!) because I am "so strong" - now if that isn't cry saying "no body needs me"

So, yes, I have to walk a fine line when it comes to the independence because he says one of the reasons he married me was how strong and independent I was/am but on the other hand, he wants to feel needed and I'm not giving him that.

What I have been doing through, is asking him his opinion of things. I kinda did it before, but now I am putting a little more emphasis on it, getting into deeper conversations and instead of just saying, "what do you think I should do", which doesn't show much independence, I basically ask a number of questions, letting him know I value his opinion and will use it to make my own decision (thus the combination of the independence and still "needing" him. It's a fine line indeed

Well, he informed me today that he is going to "fight night" but also committed me to going to (agggrrrrr - wasn't exactly what I had in mind for Saturday night) but said it was okay because before he committed he wanted to make sure the guy's wife was going to be there so I "wouldn't be alone" - so I guess I have to commend him for that, right? I kinda blew it by saying I would have preferred to just stay home for the evening (not saying he did, just me) but that if he would prefer that I go too, that was alright too (and just cringed inside). Sometimes its hard to determine whether it is what they actually want or not. Sheesh, why can't they just tell us and be more clear - yikes!! And they say women are hard to understand

[runningoutoftime]

Yeeek.... fight night... I have to agree with you on that one. It sounds like the perfect "guys night out without the women" kind of night to me. That and a group of men meeting for poker. Good male bonding time...

But if he wants you to go it's nice you're going and there will be another wife there. Perhaps the other guy begged him to bring you so his poor wife wouldn't be femaleless for the night?

Great point about the fine line of independence and dependence. I can completely relate to that as well. It's a real balancing act. Perhaps a better way to think about it is connection? In all of it maybe we need to make sure we're staying connected to our spouses.

[Heywyre]

Yes, connecting. I think we all seem to have a tough one with that wouldn't you say?

And fight night isn't exactly my cup of tea, if you get the drift. A bunch of kick boxers on TV beating the crap out of each other doesn't do anything for me.

I think there will be a couple of wives there but even if there is just me and the guy's wife, that's ok too. She's ok

I can just imagine we will probably be the waitresses for the evening (hmmm maybe I should dress up for the occassion and see what kind of reaction I get from the other guys - I know the guy who's house we are going to kinda likes me - have to give that one some thought) Nothing wrong with making the H a little jealous is there? Although I don't particularly like it when he flirts so maybe it isn't such a good idea after all