Me: 44 H: 41 (Living) Together: Five years Married: Two years Been working on DBing since last September, maybe putting together a friendship? H was great when my dad died two months ago (although not completely straightforward with me that he has a new GF), and now his brother has committed suicide and we've been talking -- mostly on the phone, as he seems to feel reluctant (?) to see me in person. I can't even conjecture what's going on in our R, and the D papers will arrive anytime this summer. Working on detaching, but with these tragic circumstances, the lines seem to getting even blurrier. Hey -- anyone seen my sense of humor? I know it's around somewhere!
Hi, Azure! I want to thank you for stopping by my thread. I know things have been very stressful for you lately. You're in my thoughts. You seem to be doing well, despite all that's going on. Remember to take care of yourself. Blessings and Peace....
NSN My current thread LUVR ... Listen, Understand, Validate, and Respond
Azure, I was gone a few days and just read up to date on your thread. I am so sorry to read about your BIL. You have my sympathy. He was in your life too. And now he is gone. You have done very well in keeping up the communication with H without pushing too hard. Good you can strike that balance. You know his LL and are using it. He will like the gift.
Again, I am sorry for your loss. Consider your own needs.
Friendship Hug!
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
I always feel almost giddy when Bridget drops in! You have been a major inspiration to me, Bgrrrrrl. You remind me to think of what's magical about myself, and that is oh, so important in all this craziness. Thank you for the flowers and embrace, comin' back at ya, hon. And you know I would like to get together. You could meet the awesome GBO, too!
So, yesterday was my last counseling appointment (at least for now). It seemed almost like she saved the best for last, and gave me lots to think on, but I guess that's appropriate for a final visit. She also said I could come back anytime, and seemed very fond of me, which made me feel good. She gave me a lot of new ways to think of H, and I certainly don't need to think of him as somehow "better" than me, just because he was the one who chose to reject me. Sometimes the DBing, while amazing, seems to me like coming from the "one down" position. Like H still has so much power to make me feel bad or good. But I really think I am beginning to detach from that. I feel like I have to face the fact that it might really be over, in order to heal.
Ironically, H called me during my last session with C. I talked to him briefly, and then a little more when I got home, just about the latest on BIL. I don't know if he'll be inviting me to whatever service they have for him. I think he might, and I'd like to go. BUT I don't think I can stand to go if his GF is there. It would already be an emotional day. I don't want to seem manipulative, but I guess if he asks me, that is what I'll say (in a gentle way). I can see how he might want her to be there to support him, but she didn't know Brother. I would like to speak at his service, if asked. This may all be moot, because maybe he won't ask me or they won't have a service, but I've been turning it around in my mind. If he needs to bring GF, I can just have a service for BIL in my mind.
Love to all. Once more, deep thanks for everything.
Azure, I'm glad you are thinking through how you want to handle a possible invitation to the service. Any news on that front? And yes, I'd love to get together again....with Bridget or H2H too if that's possible .
Thanks too for your concern and checking up on me. As you correctly surmised and know by now, there was stuff going on....it was great to get your VM and BB message even though I was too exhausted to post. Thanks.
Quote: I don't know if he'll be inviting me to whatever service they have for him. I think he might, and I'd like to go. BUT I don't think I can stand to go if his GF is there. It would already be an emotional day. I don't want to seem manipulative, but I guess if he asks me, that is what I'll say (in a gentle way). I can see how he might want her to be there to support him, but she didn't know Brother. I would like to speak at his service, if asked. This may all be moot, because maybe he won't ask me or they won't have a service, but I've been turning it around in my mind. If he needs to bring GF, I can just have a service for BIL in my mind.
You should speak! It doesn't matter if GF is there or not. You should speak! Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
Quote: I certainly don't need to think of him as somehow "better" than me, just because he was the one who chose to reject me. Sometimes the DBing, while amazing, seems to me like coming from the "one down" position. Like H still has so much power to make me feel bad or good. But I really think I am beginning to detach from that.
No. You certainly don't need to think of him that way... because it's not the case. If I recall, even H has pretty nice things to say about you (as well he should!).
I can relate to your comment about the 'one down' position. I don't get that feeling from Michelle's books at all, yet do sometimes get that feeling from the BB.
In truth, the only power anyone has over our feelings is the power we're giving them. But yeah, I know, doesn't make us feel better sometimes even knowing that truth. Some emotions just feel icky. No way around that one that I can figure out.
I agree with Ron... if you want to speak and are asked, you go there. You belong there, and GF has no power over that. Plus, I'd guess she might be more uncomfortable than you are...
But you do what you need to do for yourself. You have a finely tuned instinct about that, from what I can see.
Take care of yourself, sweetie.
wonder
p.s. I may be taking a brief hiatus from posting because of what we discussed earlier... in case you're looking for me.
I'd have to agree w/ Wonder - I don't get the feeling of being "one down" from DB'ing. The situation I'm in sometimes makes me feel that way, but I would have to admit that's bec. I so want to 'control' his actions and 'get my way' . . . I think that we feel like we're one down bec. we want what we can't have (just yet...) and are working so hard on improving ourselves w/ our H's as the catalyst for this change. We transfer the 'power' to them - really no one puts us "one down" but ourselves.
When I compare how I felt before reading DR, I realize that DB'ing actually makes me feel like I have 'one up'in the sitch - in that I have tools, ways of thinking, and a whole gang behind me, to work through my issues, my growth, AND my sitch. My SO has none of that (that I know of). I feel better that I can "do" something, that I have lots of advice to sift through and employ when it fits.
---- I also agree that if you are asked you should indeed attend BIL's service, if that's what you'd like to do. It's your feelings that matter most right now, and you should listen to them and decide what's best.
. How are you today? I will be out for awhile, but wanted to check on you before I go.
I think that we feel like we're one down bec. we want what we can't have (just yet...) and are working so hard on improving ourselves w/ our H's as the catalyst for this change. We transfer the 'power' to them - really no one puts us "one down" but ourselves.