The way things are going with H is he wants to ML once a week..I know some of you think well that's not bad. And yes it could be worse..My problem is he works long hours and is tired through the week wich is understandable.. I have even told him that I will wait until he is ready... Let me know.. Now I am finding myself having hard feelings... See I am willing to wait and try not to put so much pressure on him.. Problem is I am supposed to be ready when he is and it sucks!!! So last night he wanted to it was late we had been doing fireworks with the kids..Well me he watched the race... then all is calm and he wants to and I am tired!!! I told him so.. So he pouts won't admit it but was pouting and I asked him if we could cuddle he said he can't go to sleep that way.. Okay...Well at night he faces me then lays on his back then his back to me just his routine.. Well since I wasn't ready when he was he just turned his back to me... and wouldn't cuddle either.. It hurts I am trying hard to give him his space and not put so much pressure on him but when he is ready I am supposed to be.. I am so tired of it being this way.. Why can't we becasue I really want to and he respects my wants as much and I do his??? I dont know if I make sense but I feel really hurt because since I am HD he excpects me to be ready when he is.. I am tired of being ready when he wants to.. I want to have that at times to isn't that fair.. Can't we meet in the middle? I guess bottom line is I feel he doesn't value my wants and needs and when I do his and don't respond the way he wants he pouts.. Yeah he can pout all he wants but what is so wrong with wanting the same respect in turn? I don't know it seems the harder I try the more resentful I become.. That's not what I want... I just want him to value me too!!! Any advice.. I am feel lost as usual.
Hi everyone!!! Just thought I would check in... My H and I ML tonight and it was incredible.. And in the same thought I am feeling like maybe when it comes to my marriage I am trying to put something together that just isn't there.. I know we love each other yet I feel we clash and burden one another more than we help.. I feel discouraged.. Even after the wonderful LMing I sit here wondering if we would be better off without each other.. I am so confused.. I am so tired to trying to figure it all out and force something maybe just isn't ment to be.. How do you know?? Sorry this is so depressing I am just so confused about my marriage anymore... I feel like I am dying inside.. and don't know how to make it diffrent.. It seems like the harder I try the more I tend to make things worse.. Yet I am not one to just let things alone if they keep bothering me I want to find a way to make it work.. Is there such a thing as not being good for one another and despite the love it just isn't ment to be???
I'm not certain how to answer this because I'm struggling with similar issues and feelings. I have noticed that I don't really think about things like this as long as we are connecting physically. And *that* is probably an indication of something wrong with me but I'm not sure what yet. The thing I keep doing is trying to connect with the things that made me love my W when we first started dating. When dating, she seemed poised to be an awesome partner because she was pushing herself to grow and experience the things that I was sharing. My thrill-seeking nature was attractive to her and she was pushing herself to grow in these areas. At some point, I think she stopped feeling safe with me and no longer wanted to grow towards and retreated to an excessively risk-averse posture.
So the one thing I was enthusiastic about, she stopped doing. She also slowed the sex when we got engaged and stopped when we were married. I ignored her and continued to live my life and she found a comfortable groove in her "safe" world. I am certain that our entire set of problems has to do with trust, risk, control etc. I probably scare her instead of thrill her now.
My realization and insight about this came from looking closely at the SSM as a symptom of a problem. Part of my efforts includes trying to push her in very subtle ways towards "riskier" things. I'm not talking extreme stuff. It's stuff that seems innocuous like going to new restaurants but she's had her heels dug in so deep for so long, that little things like this will begin to loosen things up. Next might be a day trip somewhere. The minute I put a bike in front of her or take her into the mountains, she's going to freeze up with fear. I have encourage her inside of her world first before I try to share my world with her.
The discouraging thing is going to be the fact that she might feel like this marriage is extremely enriching while I end up feeling tired of trying so hard for so long. Sorry, I'm seriously digressing on your thread. I think my point is this...if you feel up to the challenge, you might need to look back to what attracted you to your H in the first place and try to understand what he was attracted to in you. Then look for creative ways to create the essence of that today. It doesn't mean acting like you did back then. It means looking carefully at the core interplay of trust, respect, control, attraction etc. and seeing if things have changed and why. Then using principals of "differentiation" described in Passionate Marriage, you can try to affect change in way that rekindles the passion and interest. This will "allow the relationship to work on you" instead of "you trying to work on the relationship".
smiles, you are in a precarious position. I wish you all the strength in the world because it's not easy and oddly, it's not as simple as talking to your spouse. I'm learning this every day. It's almost as if we have to go into our secret hiding place, formulate ideas, and execute them without their knowledge that we are operating on a plan. Sharing your plans makes otherwise romantic and spontaneous efforts seem clinical. Treat your work on the relationship like you would a stomach virus...far away from anyone whose affection you seek.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Hi Smiles, I think it's normal to have frustrated and "wanting to leave" feelings as we confront our marriages and try for change. It sounds like you got the prize last nite, but the effort it took to get there drained you, and now it starts all over again. Sometimes success is scary in itself. I start to feel very negative when we have a backsliding moment...instead of keeping it in perspective, I start thinking "escape" thoughts, and I know that's my signal to pull back a little, take care of myself and take a mental health break. Only time will tell if you and H are destined to stay together, but hang in there for you will certainly grow through it all and may later regret that you didn't. J
Thanks Dave and J for your encouragement and listening.. Gosh.. I think the point I am getting to is I am so tired of trying and even when I do it seems to backfire on me.. I have been toying with the idea of maybe I can move out for awhile and see if we both do better or worse with that arrangment.. It's not like I (we) have money to throw around yet I am really wondering if that would give me some clarity but is that extreme? Sorry I feel like I am so depressing why would anyone want to listen to me.. I don't mean to be I just feel I have lost my umph if that's a word.. I feel I have tried so hard so long I am just tired and don't think it's helping anyway.. We are so diffrent.. He doesn't like to talk or share feelings if it can be swept under the rug "great".. With me it will stay with me until I talk about it and try to find a way to change things.. I don't want to make him miserable trying but I do deserve to be happy to.. What do you think??
It’s kind of hard to know what to say to somebody you don’t know, but I want to encourage you to hang on. Since you’re here, I’m assuming that you value your M and want to try to save it. Sometimes that’s very hard. I think we’ve all been at that burned out, end-of-our-rope place with our own individual marriages. I’ve certainly had escape feelings more than once. There have been plenty of times when I’ve felt that it simply wasn’t worth the effort. But in the end, I know that I do love my W and that she loves me.
Having said that, there was a time that I moved out. On advice of the C who said that we needed to be apart. He told us that we had reached a point where all we were doing was irritating each other. He told us that separating would stop the little annoyances that were causing the constant acrimony and allow us to address the real problems. That worked for us. Mostly. As you know, she still wouldn’t address the (lack of) sex issue, but it did allow us to get to the point where we were ready to get back together and work on our problems together. Sex is still an issue, and most likely always will be, but our M is back on firm ground and I haven’t given up hope that the sex will get there.
I know that’s not much help, but it’s all I have right now. You have to evaluate for yourself whether or not it’s so bad that you need to get out – temporarily or permanently. All I can really offer is encouragement and prayers.
