I finally grew a couple and decided to have a talk with my W. I'm not very good at putting this down in black and white but I will give you guys my best shot.
So we were watching TV Last night I decided I would talk to her about the lack of intimacy and sex. Well it didn't work that well but this is what I said. "I think that you need to try and become more sexual." "I think that would help the marriage" She said" well why don't you become less sexual" At this point in time I know that I opened wrong. " I told her that I have, that I do not get sexual nearly as often as I need." She said" well I have already told you that you should go find some one to have that." I said " well that won't work. becuase I don't want anyone else. " She said " well im ok with what I am and im not changing."
After this there were a couple of other things but much more not of much intrest.
Now I have a big choice to make. Im not really sure where to go from here if I just leave it alone she won't change im pretty sure if I push it she won't either.
Don't talk top the LD like it's only their problem. Act like you want to team on this project. The goal is a better marriage, which means more of you getting your needs met as well as hers.
However, if her line is alway "I'm not going to change", then somewhere down the road yo will have to decide if you can spend the rest of your life with someone who is not interested in making your marriage as great as it possibly can be. It's not so much about the sex then, it really is her whole attitude about being married to you.
Man, that's discouraging. She doesn't care if you get it elsewhere. She doesn't see that as a problem. I'm sure that there are plenty of men who would love to have their W's permission to get it somewhere else, but I know where you're coming from. What a bummer.
Lee, maybe you should ask your W why you should stay married to HER, if you'd be getting "it" somewhere else? What does W give you that's so all-powerful you could be having S with other(s?) but still want to stay married? I can't imagine ANYTHING, unless she's got some dirt on you, but blackmail is a BAD reason to stay married. What I'm saying is you need to arrange for her to wonder why you should stick around. Really wonder. And doubt. And fear. At the moment, she's got ya by the "pair" you claim to own, and she's not lettin' go anytime soon. Time to grow another pair...
Quote: She said" well I have already told you that you should go find some one to have that."
Ouch!!! I'm so sorry she said that. It hurts me to hear others say that to people who love them. For me the marital bed is a cornerstone of my marriage. One of the reasons you marry someone is because that's the person you want to share your bed with, ML to, etc. She's in a very defensive place right now...she has no idea what happiness/pleasure she's missing out on.
I wanted to ask alot of questions of her at the time but about that time she got up and started getting ready for work so that was end of the convo.
Tim that is where im coming from that is where the very diffecult decision is to come in. I either get on with this thing and stay in a marriage that is sexless. Or is say its time for me to move on and get a D.
The thing I did this time with this talk was stay very calm I wasn't angry after this. So Im slowly removing her hand from the jewels.
I think she thinks I will let it drop now but I will not do this. I think there will be some bumps coming up. She will either get with the program or we will be seperating. I think this sunday night will be a good time to ask her to do these things so we can gain more intimacy. That is really what I want. I want to be able to grope my W with out her think im some freak who only wants sex.
I hate to bring up the C thing...but it's my point of reference since it's so crucial in my sitch right now. I did have to put my foot down with my LDH. Up until that point he kept telling me that he was going to fix things...and everytime I would ask how he planned to do that I got "I don't know!"...along with that was inaction, he didn't try to do anything and I know whatever I would try was going to be interpreted as pressure/nagging. My gut told me though that a good thereapist would be able to get through to him, fortunately for me I was correct. He did at least get a lightbulb...now it's a matter of seeing if we can change the behavior.
Don't talk top the LD like it's only their problem. Act like you want to team on this project.
Actually, that's a very wrong approach and will lead to an extreme amount confusion and pain. This was how I first approached my W and things got worse. It wasn't until I told her she was "off the hook" and didn't have to work on anything but that *I* wanted to ML twice a week and that she should initiate blah blah blah. The emphasis is on de-coupling yourself from her problem...not trying to help her solve it. ALWAYS SPEAK IN TERMS OF WHAT YOU WANT...NOT WHAT YOU WANT HER TO DO OR BE. This will make your life so much easier because it requires no toil or deep thinking. It's easier said than done and I find myself backsliding occasionally where I want to see her working on herself to fuel some hope. Heck, I made this mistake again last week and it's really easy to do when you are feeling overly anxious.
Lee,
Here's the dynamics of the convo.....
L: I want you change something
W: I don't want to change...YOU change
Convo is basically over.
Here's how it would go when speaking from "your wants" and how it allows you to dig deeper...
L: I want something that only you can give me
W: I don't want to give it
L: Why?
W: (needs to think)
It sets up a much better dialog when you speak from "your wants" because she can't argue with it. Sure, she could say something bitchy like "I don't care" but at least you will (still) have some material to work with. Hang onto yourself, and ask "why don't you care?"...and so on. Don't be afraid to put them on the spot.
What you are going to see is that the sex issue is a catalyst for discovering some real problems in the R. It's never as simple as saying "she's broken".
Her response that you should find sex elsewhere was interesting. I bet she just wanted to shut the convo down but it gives you an opportunity to explore it. Maybe you should ask "what did you mean when you told me I should find sex outside the marriage?" The next question should be... "Would you want to stay married if I did?" If she says "no", then you can string the 2 thoughts together and she's really saying that she doesn't want to be married to you. This would actually be progress in your case because it would lead to more interesting convos. If she says "yes", then you have an opportunity to put her into a crucible regarding a (traditionally) major violation of her own integrity and probably indicates that she has no self-respect. It's not up to you to fix her self-respect issues but you can present more "wants" in a way that will force her to confront herself. I'm just not smart enough to know what that would be or else I would be doing it too.
Just my 2 cents. I wish I could write like Corri.
Last edited by AtlDave; 07/02/0402:47 PM.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Hi Lee, I think you should tell her that the reason you do not want to take up with someone else is that sex is not just a physical act for you, that it means so much more. You would be forming an emotional bond with someone else, and that in your heart you want the intimacy to be with her. Assure her that you want to work on it a step at a time( the idea of being a sexual person is overwhelming for her now) with the goal to be closer with her, not for hot sex. Let her know you don't want to give up on your love for each other. J -- who knows it's not easy
grislen said: --------------- I finally grew a couple and decided to have a talk with my W. I'm not very good at putting this down in black and white but I will give you guys my best shot. <snip> She said " well im ok with what I am and im not changing." ---------------
Ok, so you got shot down. How many times have you been turned down for sex (rhetorical question)?
Plan to have the conversation again, soon. Plan what you have to say, and you will present it better next time. Don't expect a better response however.
If your choices are a sexless marriage, divorce, or a change in your relationship, then decide which one you want and pursue it until it reaches its' logical conclusion.
I think you want a change, that is why you are here, isn't it?
I hated this when my father used to say it to me, but in this case it works, so get up, dust yourself off, and get back in there. You can do it.
If you continue to press the issue, at some point in time, you are likely to find out what you have done to contribute to the current state of your relationship. When it comes up, fix it once and for all.
Constancy is the key to recovery.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
