Hi Pam - Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts - one of the startling learning points for me since coming on this board is just how much every little bit of encouragement means.
Day 4 in our new house, and we still have about 20 boxes to unpack, mostly kitchen stuff, the new cabinets get installed on Saturday, and that should be the end of our camping trip
Hi Betsey - Much to my pleasant surprise, yes, it does seem to have opened him up a bit. I feel quite encouraged, and want to capture these moments, so back to posting positives and negatives.
Positives + we both worked from home yesterday, as there were a bevy of workers due + NG sends be a paintbrush creation of a large heart with tears on them - meaning his heart could not get bigger for loving me, and it cries seeing me hurt. I still get choked up seeing it, I've saved it as my desktop background + he was very attentive during the day + he postponed a business meeting to come with me on a trip this friday + we have a wonderfully relaxing evening, light dinner, lots of mutual admiration
Negatives - OW calls him at the end of the working day, they have a 5 minute conversation. Crazymaking alert - have they been on email all day?
Sooo, I shall keep on dbing my heart out, but with one major change - NG seems to like R talks - he really wants to hear about how hurt I feel. This seems to also have been OW's tactic, and instead of being fed up, he seems to respond by being more sympathetic, and more accommodating. Does this make sense to anyone?
There are some people who seem to be motivated by pain... sometimes their own and sometimes by attempting to understand others by tapping into that pain.
I can think of a few times where I thought nothing of something until I saw the reaction of someone else... if that response was anguish and emotional pain, I was very inclined to go back and do a mental replay of what had happened to see if I felt differently.
The bad part about this tendency is that this form of figuring out DEPENDS on others to demonstrate or spill their feelings first before any work is done. I wonder why he does not feel he can do this without having to see you go through your emotions first?
Any insight on this?
Great job with the positives, sweetie. A big hug coming your way (((((Slowly))))).
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: NG seems to like R talks - he really wants to hear about how hurt I feel. This seems to also have been OW's tactic, and instead of being fed up, he seems to respond by being more sympathetic, and more accommodating. Does this make sense to anyone?
My H liked to hear the ILY's. Pretty much along the lines of R talk (or pressuring), but I was saying it--and saying it frequently--just a couple of weeks after I moved out. I used to call him up just to say ILY. And he would always perk up whenever I did that. Still likes to get the vmails I leave him.
Hi Slowly, just have a second to let you know I'm thinking of you....I'm sorry the last few days have been such downers for you....boy, do I know where you're coming from....WHY cant they let go of OW's? But on the bright side, it sounds like you are on to something about the R talks working in your sitch....that could be a break through, imho.
Quote: Perhaps it makes him feel loved knowing that his actions hurt you. ie if you didn't love him, you wouldn't care what he did.
In thinking about the things H says to me some days, maybe he's like this to? Like when he'll throw in a remark about OW and I react and say "why would you say something like that to me" and he replies "just to irritate you or get a reaction" so he's pushing my buttons to see how I react. If I react by getting all upset, he knows I care. My, oh my, I am slowly beginning to see things about my H that I missed in the past.
I still don't like that he mentions stuff like this, but maybe it's his way of seeing if I care. He used to accuse me of not "knowing" him and it was usually after I would get upset about something H said or an action of H's.
I guess it is time to go back and look again at what has worked and what has not. My sense is that NG likes to hear about how I feel about him, whereas I have been knotted up with how he feels about me.
I can relate to your Q about H seems to accomodate to 'hurt'. My H is like that too. He told me all of the things OW told him of her hurting, she is having a breakdown, etc. etc. and H only accomodates more to him. I didnt do all that coz I know it will pressure him and push him into a corner. He will want to be with me coz he of sympathy but not coz he wants to be with me. I am puzzled about this also. So, if we can attract H by telling him how hurt we are by his actions, where does dropping the rope, acting as if and play hard to get comes in?
SOmetimes I feel tht if I tell H of how hurt I am, he will come around to me but it will be out of obligation instead of him volunteering to be with me. I remembered now that during our S, I once told him that I was hurt coz I felt like he didnt show respect for my feelings by text messaging OW in front of me. But he responded by being angry and said not to put any guilt on him coz he hated feeling guilty.
I dont know if my rambling makes sense...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Betsey 
Like when he'll throw in a remark about OW and I react and say "why would you say something like that to me" and he replies "just to irritate you or get a reaction" so he's pushing my buttons to see how I react. If I react by getting all upset, he knows I care. My, oh my, I am slowly beginning to see things about my H that I missed in the past. 
Slowly