Well, I just got back from a stormy lunch, and I don't mean the weather. As we were walking in the restaurant, she asked me if I'd given any more thought about the house. I told her, "yes, I have. I don't want to move." She was pissed. It was one of those lunches where we were either arguing or not talking to one another. Actually, she was the one arguing most of the time. I was doing an admirable job of HOM. She was minimizing my reasons for staying, and maximizing her reasons for moving. Said she "hated" our neighborhood. Said she had made ALL the sacrifices and wondered when it would be "her turn."
As tempted as I was to bring up the sex issue (when is it MY turn?, what about the sacrifice I make EACH day?), I didn't want her to equate the two...as if I was punishing her for not ML with me. That's definitely not what this is about. It's just plain insane to move.
She cried a bit, she fumed, she tried to narrow the scope of my objections (very lawyerly that, and I called her on it), and I just HOM. She even said that she would call her old employer (150 miles away) to see if they still had a job for her. I said, "if that's what you feel you need to do."
At the end of it all, I paid, she got up and walked out; I trotted behind her, and, when it was time to cross the street, she went straight (this restaurant was in walking distance of her office) and didn't even say good bye. I went to my van and drove back to my office.
It's going to be a real firecracker of a weekend, as we are planning a 7 hour drive to her mom's to celebrate the 4th. We leave tomorrow (Friday) afternoon.
Prediction: "Hairdog, why don't you just stay here by yourself. DD3 and I will go to (destination) by ourselves."
YOUCH! That really doesn't sound like a pleasant lunch. I have to ask...is she working on making the marriage work with you?
I know I'm only hearing one side of the story here (and I realize that) that's why I ask. If she's working on this with you, what is it (at least in her mind) that she thinks she's doing to work on it?
Quote: .is she working on making the marriage work with you?
I suppose she is. She tries to be affectionate at times. And I don't want to minimize her sacrifices in the least--she did quit a job she loved, a home she loved, and moved to my city. I didn't force her to do this, however. I would have made our arrangement work. We had a commuter marriage; saw each other on weekends; and lived 150 miles apart during the week. It was the arrival of our DD3 that really changed things. She was, essentially, a single mom during the week. That, and the fact that, when I was in her town on the weekends, my kids would often need me for something in my town. We talked about me moving to her town, but I didn't go for that. As I said, I was willing to continue our commuter marriage. She actually surprised me with her plan to move to my town.
She won't be very willing tonight to make our marriage work...this may last into the weekend, as well. I just have to HOM, and keep being the lovable (but strong-minded) Hairdog.
Hairdog, I sympathize, I really do, and I am PROUD of you (as you must be of yourself) for holding onto yourself like that! Bravo! That's fantastic! I KNOW it doesn't FEEL that way right now, but it is.
Obviously you have to read the situation and do what you think is best, but I do think you have to stand your ground or your marriage won't be worth saving anyway. If you give in, when your integrity tells you not to, you won't like or respect yourSELF, and neither will your W. If you DO stick to your guns, she won't like it, but I bet she'll eventually give you grudging respect. And if she DOES suggest you stay behind while she goes to her mom's, I'd LET her, if I were you. Let her see you're willing to watch her backside walking away from you... call her bluff, because I'm betting that's all it is. She'd leave you over this? If that's true, she didn't have much of a comittment anyway. You've only been in your home a YEAR. How long has it been that you've been suffering in a SSM (not to mention the long-distance thing)? You have MUCH more invested.
Hairdog, I'm thinking along the same lines as Tim on this. I wouldn't believe she would leave after one year. I believe she is bluffing to try to get her way, or get more control maybe?.
Let's say sex was perfect between you and the W. Would you be opposed to moving? Is there some reason why you DON'T want to move? Can you not afford it? Other than it being a huge pain in the rear, is there some good, solid reason that you all should not move?
Leaving sex completely out of the equation, list out all the reasons why you should not consider doing this.
___________________________________________________________ The kids are able to ride their bikes back and forth between my house and their mom's house ____________________________________________________________
This line hit me like a ton of bricks. My guess is new wife does not like to be close to your XW. Being close to Mom is good for the kids.
I need to read the entire thread at work today (I know it'll be slow LOL), but I just wanted to say that I find your insight into SSMs interesting. It's one thing to comment on someone else's situation if you're not in a similar one and never have been, but it's quite a different beast when you're actually in a situation that you can comiserate on with someone else.
As for your lunch, sometimes arguing is just the preferred form of communication for our Ws. I'm sure the "think before you speak" method works wonders for you and pisses your W off a bit. Do you find that anything ever gets resolved after a lunch with W?
You know...that's a very good point. Some women (not all mind you) are very threatened by X's, especially if you still have a good relationship with them...even if it is for the kids sake. So that may very well be an underlying motivation for your wife wanting to move a bit further away.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying you should up and move for that reason. The fact is you do have children with your X...if your wife is threatened by your X she's going to have to deal with it at some point...she's going to be around for awhile.
In that aspect I'm not in your boat...but I am (or was) still friends with my 2nd husband. His current wife was and I assume still is very threatened by me. It was my choice to leave the marriage (severe alcoholic, recovering now) so she knows had I not left the marriage would probably still be in tact. Once I stopped being angry with him for all the pain he'd put me through (rejecting me for alcohol) we were able to become friends again...and had he not been dating her when I stopped being angry we may have reconciled. Anyway...sorry I digress...do you think it's possible she's uncomfortable with the fact that you do live so close to your ex? It really is a point worth looking at.
Good Luck ! Hope the evening went better than lunch
