I decided to move over here.. I have ended my online emotional affair and am ready to piece back together my marriage.... H is pushing me away as of right now... everything i have ever done that is negative has come into light and unfortunately i deserve it all
I need to completely read DR and DB, I have both... I have major 180's to accomplish. I am not independent at all... He has decided he is not sure he wants to stick around or not... I didnt include in my post over at infidelity that he had an emotional affair with a friend of mine a few years ago... i didnt include it because i didnt want it to seem that i did my own online affair because of what he did... because i didnt want to lessen the guilt.. What he did hurt me, but I didnt want any sympathy for what I did... I chose to forgive him and move on... then i met OM and had an emotional affair with him. As i said i have since ended it, even though OM is very persistant.. i know where i belong, and that is with my family... but H isnt sure that is where he belongs now. I want to make this work.. I need to make this work. I have a lot of growing up to do! I have read a lot of different posts and I feel like i know some of you already.. i know i am in the right spot .. and thank you Betsy for all of your help so far!! I am hoping that by coming here, it will help me to continue moving forward...
Do not check H emails... (I have his work password ) Do not check H Cellphone or Cellphone bill ( i have even gotten to the point that i write on the calender the exact times i think he is on the phone with OW and compare them to the bill) Do not question his whereabouts
Trust is such a hard thing to find... and to have... Just the thought of not checking his email or phone makes me anxious and scared... Will it get easier...
On a positive note he called me earlier and mentioned the purchase of a minivan... (this must be a good sign right!) He had his Cellphone turned off all afternoon however And I know for a fact OW was out at the same time... But all of this doesnt matter...I need to piece everything back together.. moving forward not backwards.. thanks for listening..
Welcome to Piecing and bravo on your decision to save your M.
I don't post, or even go to, the Infidel forum, so this is the first I am meeting you.
To be honest here, the two "goals" you wrote down should not be goals at all. Those are things you NEED to NOT do. That is what we call snooping around here. And if it is one thing that we learn here, is that snooping hardly ever produces positive results. I have been guilty of snooping myself in the past, and each time what I learned did not make me feel better.
So, don't make those goals, but "Don't do's".
It seems you do have contact with him, and it seems cordial. This is great, whereas many people do not have this luxury.
I don't know how much you have read DB or DR, but if you have them, read and reread the chapter on goals. I think its the most important one to understand completely. If that is not enough, there are threads in Newcomers that can shed some light on any questions you may have. And, you can always ask the salty dogs here (and the pups too!). They'll never steer you wrong.
You will experience alot of anxiety, alot of pain and more emotions that you thought unimaginable. All I can say is find it within yourself to come here and vent. To read your books. to do what ever is necessary to quench the feeling you have.
You have some major steps to take, and believe me, you only have begun. Trust will not come overnight. And what I mean by trust, meaning trust within yourself and your R.
The journey is long, it is hard. But it is a rewarding one if you travel it well, travel it right, no matter what destination it brings you to.
And who knows, you may see me and others along the way!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Ty PIB... it has been an obsessive thing for me as well...
ty both for replying.. TripleJ, you are absolutely right, it is snooping and it is wrong, and it shouldnt be a goal at all, it should just be the way it is. I have two children and the last thing i want to do is mess up this marriage by invading his privacy... and your right i never feel better after i do it..
We had a good evening last night. He fixed the brake pads on my car and took it out for a spin.. all is well with my little car again. He slept on the couch last night because our little ones were in bed with me due to colds I bit my tongue everytime i wanted to talk about our R. This is one of the hardest things for me. It sometimes feels like i'm going to explode when i hold it in... like if i dont bring up our R then something bad will happen. He doesnt want to talk about things, he has always hated how i bring our R up all the time.. This will be a big 180 for me not to do. We are going on vacation on Friday and will be gone the whole week with his inlaws at our camp. If there were ever a time to DB this will be a major one. In the past years we used to fight the whole time.. i was and am controlling of his time... and this of course pushes him away I'm going to go read my books.. read read read. I just want to focus on my children... but i find this hard to do when i'm always thinking about our R. Thank you for replying to me, i need help, and i appreciate anyones advice.
Welcome! I'm glad to see your commitment here and your willingness to get busy working. It's good to see some of the posts from my fellow piecers.
We all know the tendency to obsess about our R. It really wears one out, so I think it's good for you to put some focus on yourself and your kids right now.
Try and see this from your H's perspective. He's hurt and unsure and not possessing the skills (at the moment) to help steer you guys back on a path of maritial happiness. Since you're here, you're in an ideal position to bounce things off here and get ideas on how to move forward.
There are lots of places we get stuck. One of them is focusing on the behaviors of the spouse. It isn't helpful and it implies assumptions are being made. Try instead to focus on what happens when you do something different.
Triple J hit the nail on the head with the goals. Goals have kept us on track, and help us stay focused on the overall goal. One question that I continually ask myself during this process is: Will this action bring me toward him or away from him?
Lots of patience is called for, friend. Be gentle with yourself. It's time to heal.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thank you Betsey, as I read more and more posts i am feeling more comfortable and safe here. H and I went to DS4 speech appointment today. He met me there. We didnt talk much but we shared some smiles and both admired our son together. He was behind me some on my way home, and i resisted the urge to call him to see if he was on the phone. I am doing my best to not call him at work, as i used to call him 3 to 4 times a day, and email him more then once... and then call to see if he recieved the email... UGH, its no wonder he is pushing... I have my therapy appointment tomorrow and we will see how that goes. I like having a place to journal, it feels really good. The house is a mess, so i am going to try to get that cleaned up, and then take the boys outside to play. Even though not talking about the R is hard, it feels nice to just be in the same room without an argument... Hoping my tongue stays tied tonight Thanks again.. you all are great inspirations! Hugs
well... i read some more..the DR is so easy to read... I will have to practice DB with a few things.. MY BIL just called and said that he will be bringing friends up overnight to camp.. usually this would cause a huge nagging session from me... it would make me tense.. dont get me wrong.. all the hairs are up on my back... but it has nothing to do with my H and it is something that i seriously need to let go... I am hoping I am able to do so as it is not important enough to have a set back. Pretty quiet evening tonight... i'm hoping it all goes smoothly.. i'll update tomorrow... thanks again
well Last night i did very well... no R talk... and i played video games with him all evening... he really liked that, and ended up sleeping with me in the same bed.. he also left this morning and gave me kisses on the cheek before he left... He hasnt done that in a long time. He told me he had fun with me. I'm proud of myself for not talking about the R... it was really hard, but it was fun to just hang out with him. I have therapy today.. and then two more days before we leave for vacation... this next week is going to be so hard for me.. not only trying to stay relaxed.. less controlling, not nagging, but just trying to keep from talking about our R... i can do this though.. i have already seen results and i like them. Thanks for listening to me go on and on.. hugs
Good for you, just enjoying his company and no R talks. I remember being so obsessed with the R and wanting to pick his brain about everything and share every observation I made about our R. Wrong. He didn't want to hear it and I just drove myself nuts. Or I would email and sit and wait for one to come back.
I took a break from emailing him and calling him at work. Went cold turkey and only emailed if it had something to do with kid's schedules and such. I don't know if the backing off had an impact on him or me, but it helped keep me a bit more sane not waiting for an email or reading into his tone when I spoke on the phone.
A great website is flylady.net for getting the house organized. When we were separated I was really good at following the plan and it was nice to have a decluttered house, helped my mentality and I'm a naturally sloppy person.
Hang in there, these changes take time, but it is all achievable and sounds like you are making great progress.
Betsey