Well last week my H and I got into a fight and things were getting pretty heated and I told him FY..Which I have only said maybe 3x's in being with him. Anyway his response was "YOU WISH" ouch!!!! I said "I DON'T THINK SO" wow he has known long before I did that he holds all of the power.. That was a really eye opener.... I need to get the ball back in my court.. what do I do to do that???
It seems like the LD ALWAYS holds all the power. I am not looking for a power struggle, just the feeling that I actually have some power over the failure or success of my marriage. I hope someone has some good info on this one.
smiles, I think too often LD/HD conflicts in M are caused by control issues. I also think that's the stupidest reason on earth to fight about sex, but I'm HD, and I imagine all HDs would think so, too. It's the only thing that explains why my W, who shows glimpses of being a sexual person would sabotage her own happiness.
I wish I had some answers for you. I'd use them myself.
Something I noticed last night.. He wanted to ML but he wanted me to put on something sexy which I haven't done in a long time because I haven't felt the desire.. I have gotten tired of working so hard at it.. Since it was his request I did. Well I started to and I put on a little weight not much, actually I have been trying to gain weight.. I am 110 lbs.. Anyway I did not feel sexy enough to let him see me.. I did not tell him that because lack of confidence in the bedroom just makes it worse.. What I thouht about it though was I see myself everyday and haven't had negative thoughts about my body but when I was looking in the mirror to get myself dressed sexy for him I didn't feel sexy at all. Now when he isn't around I feel sexy to myself and feel others see me that way too.. But for my husband I just felt like I wasn't.. To me that said something about the way I feel about myself around him and the way I feel he views me.. I feel much more critical.. I don't know how to change it.. Except when he requests things like that do it anyway in spite of my insecurites with him. And maybe some day I won't feel as isecure anymore..
Smiles, I think that once your sex life is back on track, you will regain your Marital Confidence. Right now it is in the toilet because there is no intimacy in your marriage--that is, you can't truly be yourself around your H and neither can he.
NOPkins posted a message earlier today in which he described how, as his M gets back on track, he is starting to really feel sexy. Even though he has experienced a lot of SEX in his life, he is really feeling like a lover now because he is fulfilling ALL the roles of a lover..not just the technical aspects of it.
I can tell you that I feel that way now. I don't always feel sexy around my H, but the vast majority of the time I do. I have always felt attractive around other people but not necessarily in his eyes. As time goes on, though, I can even be rejected by him and still know and believe that he finds me attractive. In fact, this past Friday night I came home late from a wedding and he was already in bed. I snuggled up to him and he reflexively put his knee up so that there was no way, accidental or not, that I could reach his penis. It briefly pissed me off (geesh I am not an insensitive animal that he has to fend off!) but then I realized that he just didn't want to get turned on right then. Knowing that I actually HAVE that effect on him was a good feeling! (for the record, I had no intention of initiating)
I am now 6 mos pregnant and I still feel sexy in front of him. Not NAKED mind you, with full lights blaring, but pretty close. This is all due to the intimacy that we have established between us and, as NOP said, I feel pretty darn good most days, sex or not.
Hang in there and keep at it. Act as if and it will become a reality. I wasted SO MUCH time loathing myself and in the process turning him off. Something that made me feel better was to ask HIM for special things. I figured if I had to put myself on the line to turn him on, then turnaround was fair play. He never followed through on anything but I think it drove home to him just how hard it is to put yourself out there, sexually, and then to know that your chances of rejection are high just makes it impossible.
Another thing I would do is to wear the sexy nighties but to suggest that we first watched TV or something nonsexual like that. It took the pressure off me to have this great moment of an "entrance" when he is supposed to be drooling (which never happens with my H) and that way he can cop his shy little looks and appreciate me without both of us feeling under the gun to create this big scene.
This may or may not apply to you but just wanted to throw it out so that you are thinking creatively and can come up with ways that work for both of you.
Thanks HoneyPot for your encouragement... I really appreciate it.. I think that is a great idea about the Teddy because my husband is also that way.. And I can see how it would create pressure.. I do think that what I want is to learn how to live with the differences in our SD's without feeling rejected and undesired by hubby.. That is the hardest part for me.. Sometimes when I know he wants me I am okay if we don't do anything.. I do believe the biggest part is rejection.. Well feeling rejected and like I don't appeal to him sexually.. That's a hard one.. on top of that he isn't an affectionate person.. I have noticed him trying to makes some changes too.. Not really in the bedroom but in our marriage. Basically loving me for who I am.. and not critisizing.. that has been a big problem..between constantly feeling rejected and then put down in all I do and say was getting to the point where I just didn't know how much I could take.. Although it's not going to be perfect everyday I am thankful he is putting his best foot forward.. So what has been the biggest help for you HoneyPot in not taking you H's LD so personal? I think that is the hardest thing to deal with..
Gosh, I think it would be really hard to get your mojo back if your spouse was saying things like, "You wish," when you said FU. Sorry, but there's a problem there.
I don't blame you for feeling self-critical in front of this man, if he thinks that you desire him (he must think he's hot sh*t) and he desires you only when you're in a certain nightie (bet that's not really true, but that's the message he was sending).
You can either practice feeling sexy no matter what (in that nightie, knowing you're wearing it to enhance HIS LD response, not to really BE sexier) or you can wait for him to decide to treat you like you are sexy. Of course, my whole obsession would be to try and find out how frequently the man found me sexy, with or without nightie.
Did he ultimately feel turned on by you that time? What happened in the hours/days following the wearing of the nightie? Did you ultimately feel the sex was good? Did he? This might be a place to start talking. (He asked you to wear the nightie, did he then feel obligated to perform or did he actually feel you looked cute and sexy? I don't know how you can go on without knowing!)
If he felt obligated, then he needs to figure out why he asks you do to do something that doesn't work for either of you...
