If the last two weeks are fortelling of what the summer is gonna be like, then I'll be lookin forward to having a very busy time ... and unfortunately that is gonna leave very little time for a presense here on the board. Ironically, I'm starting this thread just prior to going on vacation for two weeks, but felt I need plant my feet firmly on the ground before doing so.
Upon returning here and faced with hundreds on unread posts, I was steered to this post by Slowly :
... to keep continuity to my saga, I'll post my reply here too ...
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hey Maya - You know, we read the words, we write them, and still they are not real, are they? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well Slowly, now you did it! Your post above has pulled me out of lurkdom, for your words had finally made it real for me!! ... and I've lost count of how many times I had passed on the concept to various others here too. Thank you for the remarkable clarity you have "penned" to this topic and this post is truly worth benchmarking!!!
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nevertheless, this is not the man I knew, not the man I chose to share my life, my joys and my sorrows with. I have spent the past 9 months trying to bring back that man, and so has NG. But he is no more. I need to mourn losing him, properly, and move on. My childhood sweetheart has grown up, into someone who in some ways is unrecognisable, and I need to accept this. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
... and this is what really hit home for me. I have come to accept a long time ago that what my M had become pre-bomb is dead and to start anew ... But right up to this moment, I was still hoping in the new R I would begin to see more of the CAW I knew twenty years ago. I've been trying to win back who she once was! Your post opened my eyes ... that's just not gonna happen and hence is the source of much of my recent frustrations and disappointments. That CAW is no more! ... and there is no hope of her coming back!! I have to accept that and move on...
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If the man is gone, then so is the relationship. He and I may have 20 years' worth of memories to reminisce about, but our feelings about ourselves, about each other, are different, almost beyond recognition. If the people are different, then surely their feelings cannot be the same? The relationship needs to be built. I say built not re-built, because the old is gone. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This certainly shows me a new direction. To better know who the new CAW is and to accept CAW for who she is now! ... in order to build a better R. Boy sometimes I can be dense! There was even evidence last week that CAW is coming across this discovery too [to some extent]. I'm still end up suprising her by not fitting into what she perceives of me. She is still expecting the "old" KAW to reinstate himself.
Now to accept who she is now! ... Wow ... that's gonna be hard. She is so different. It's even a bit scary, for to be honest, the "new" CAW is much less appealing to me than the one I was so hoping to win back.
It seems I still have a lot of work to do on myself yet.
We learned that FIL has an inoperable/incurable cancer growth in his liver. This has been understandably rough on CAW. Father's Day up to now has been the hardest. I had to constantly remind myself not to take her mood personally, even tho her distant presence did have an impact on the outcome on the day.
The upside during the past two weeks would have to be when she attempted to return her new glasses for a refund ($350). She did not have the receipt with her, in fact in response she stated she thinks she no longer has it. They told her she could not get a refund without the receipt. This is the $350 she asked me to give to her for the glasses. Folks, in the past, this would have gotten my dander up and I would have lettin her know that! ... Well I was still upset about it but I bit my tongue and didn't say a word about it or let it show. However, when we got home and she went on a search thru the whole house, I had to busy myself in order to keep from spewin, so I tackled the two days worth of dirty dishes in the kitchen. For those that have discovered yet ... anger is a great motivator to gettin the chores done! I think she pick up that I was upset about it, but I know for sure, what it was she was expecting. After turning the house upside down, she then drew the conclusion that she never was given a receipt. The first thought that popped into my head was, "How could anyone give someone $350 and walk away with a receipt." ... but all I said ... calmly ... was, "I guess then the best you can hopefully ask for is to exchange the glasses for another you can use." and then dropped it. Later in the evening while we were sitting together watching TV, she looked a me with those "puppy dog" eyes and started rubbing my arm with a slight curl of a smile. She didn't say a word, but boy did I get it loud and clear. After two years, she still is expecting the "old" KAW to rear his ugly head. She still doesn't take my changes for being real.
It opened my eyes to the fact all this time I'm thinking were trying to piece something together here and she had the feeling all along still that this old dog can't learn any new tricks. If that is still the basis of her belief system, then no wonder she continues to vacillate and is unable to recommit and still looks upon OM as an escape. Only now, is she starting to believe it might be true that I really have changed. Sheeesh!!!
So, its time for a refresher on the basics. Continue to keep my 180's consistent and allow more time ... for as I have said to others here, time is the only tool we have to demonstrate that thy "new" self is here to stay ... and it seems like some WAS can take years at poking you with a "stick" to check to make sure the old beast is really dead and won't come back to life in a sequel. (Jaws 4?)
... and as Slowly pointed out as I had mentioned in the last post, I have to come to accept CAW for who she is now. Forget waiting for CAW I first fell in love with to come back. Its not gonna happen. I have to look upon CAW as a whole new woman in my life. This is big ... for not only do I need to DB to draw her closer to me ... but I have to start thinking of DBing myself to draw me closer to her.
... and this is all becomes part of the plan to try to make today a better day than yesterday.
... and for those that are still wondering ... yes, the letter is still sitting on her nightstand ... albeit under an ever growing pile of stuff. After seven weeks now, I'm no longer concerned about it. Altho, her manner with me has become basically platonic since writing the letter in that she no longer initiates any kind of physical or emotional affection with the above mentioned stroking my arm being the exception, I get the sense she is no longer seeking to leave.
... so plans for her birthday bash still prod along with the invitations now have been sent and now waiting for RSVP's. This evening I'm going to pick up some canopies for the yard.
CAW's first day off from work for the summer was yesterday. So was not in a good mood. ???
'til later, KAW
P.S. Hi Bridget ... thanks for dropping in with the well wishes between my ramblings.
Thanks Pattie, Water & the all here for the vacation well wishes. No special plans, just kinda wingin it this year. Guess I'm gonna hafta pratice having some spontaneous fun on this vacation, but can't hardly wait ... starts in about an hour! Yeeeeaaaaa!!!
From Wonder:
Quote: So... CAW is expecting and waiting for the old KAW to resurface. While KAW is expeciting and waiting for the old CAW to resurface.
How about that!!! ... you managed to sum up all my threads in the last two years of my sitch in a line and a half! ... but very nicely put so I can keep pounding into this dense shell of mine.
and thank Slowly for the words of encouragement ... Getting back to basics is all about the bigger picture as PnB reminded me ... Making today a better day than yesterday. ... and it struck me that I can't do this to the best of my ability if I'm still stuck on wanting to be with the CAW of "yesterday". Still have to figure out exactly what my goals of the present are yet to be. Will work on that over the course of my days off.
Bets: Thanks for the warm greeting, but its gonna be difficult to keep up with all ya folk over the next few weeks ... but long term I don't see myself going away. Feeling stuck is a common pitfall of the process. One wise DBer explained the process to me as a series of plateaus. Often when we are the level part, we feel like were stuck in the same place, but actually we are in the process of tranversing them without any landmarks so we can tell. Like Columbus crossing the ocean ... no way of telling if there is land ahead. You just have to trust you are getting somewhere ... but boy, this journey has some vast oceans to span and some Great Plains to cross ...
Quote: no way of telling if there is land ahead. You just have to trust you are getting somewhere ... but boy, this journey has some vast oceans to span and some Great Plains to cross
Ain't that the truth.
Thank you for your wonderful thoughts on my thread.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
... for not only do I need to DB to draw her closer to me ... but I have to start thinking of DBing myself to draw me closer to her.
Bets