Hi folks. My wife became pregnant in Oct of 2002. That was really the last "era" that we had normal, quality sex. I didn't mind going without during the pregnancy as I figured it was just a phase, and there were many more things on our mind.
We have had some problems in our marriage (got married after the she was preg, actually), but we are trying to work on things. For the record, we are pretty equal here at home, I cook, clean, change diapers, etc...she is a stay-at-home, and admittedly, is still pretty exhausted.
Problem is, he is now one years old, and she says she still has ZERO drive, and could not imagine ever having sex again, the rest of her life. She said it is "like less than zero"...and I believe her (no evidence of cheating, etc), she had some physical problems after the baby, and has, of course, gained weight..but just again, for the record, I am VERY supportive of her, and how she looks, etc (I really don't care, I just want to be happy..she is still beautiful to me). I think deep down, part of it is, with our problems in the past, and her feeling so fat and ugly now, she just doesn't care.
Does this ever end? I want to hang in there...but basically, I have gone almost two years without real sex . I think we have about five times...and she has given me numerous hand-jobs, which apparently, turn her off also. I am very fit, athletic (built like a 20-year old)...before the pregnancy we sometimes had sex 3 times a day M-F, and up to 5 times on a Sat or Sunday. We never had any real sex problems, she was slighly more conservative than I would like, but I was very satisfied, as was she.
For anyone out there who has had a baby, or been in this situation, does this end? Like I said, I help out...I do everything I can, and she is very appreciative of it, and in fact feels sorry for me, saying that she wants to be honest, taht she just doesn't ever want to have sex again.
What should I do? I figure her lack of true sleep (he is one of those kids, although I started sleeping in the queen bed with him lately), is causing a drop in her testosterone, or fluctuating her horomones at least.
She told me to get a g/f, but I am not going to do that (its irresponsible), and too much of a hassle. SHe is being geniune, in that she really wishes she could want it, but she doesn't, and I don't want to "force" (so to speak) her to do it once a week if she doesn't want it..that's not right either.
I have been in your shoes. My wife had twins, and we didn't have sex for the first 6 months after they were born. Since then it hasn't been much better. She has been very LD. We have been working on the frequency we ML, but it still hasn't been like we were before kids. I don't want to scare you, but I want to let you know you aren't alone. So far this year we have ML twice. There are many good and supportive people on this board.
It will probably only get worse. She has very big problems that need to be addressed. Basicaly, it comes down to weather she wants to desire YOU, not the desire for sex. You need to determine what YOU will accept for the rest of your life, do you want a lover or a roomate. Then yuo must make it very clear what you want in your marriage, and then give her time to confront her own issues. If she will not confront her own issues, then you probably will have to leave her. I am also in the same boat, it just took me 14 years to realize it. Women flat out do not understand that without great sex, marriage is usually a FAILURE to the man. There attitude towards sex is just mystifying. To not want sex, that is the STRANGEST thing I can imagine. And yet so many of us are married to these fridgid woman. How can tehy not understand that they are totally destroying their own marriages? Why would they WANT to destroy their own marriages?
Hi Scott. I can sooo sympathize with your situation, only we happen to be reversed...I'm the mother of a now almost 12-mo old son and I have a LDH. In the past 12 mo I can count 3-4 times that my LDH and I have ML...and two of those times were within the same week because I was fed up with being ignored...so I really pushed the situation.
Has you LDW been to the Dr. to check out her situation, hormonal levels etc? Pregnancy does really affect some women in that manner, it didn't me, but I know it does for some. Also her weight gain may have a real affect on her self-esteem as well...which can be a vicious cycle of sorts. It's wonderful that you're supportive of her and love her the way she is, but the reality of it is she has to be comfortable with herself in order to feel "sexy"...I know that's how it is for me anyway.
First step that I would suggest, if you haven't already, is to get her to go to the Dr. with this just to see if there is something her Dr. can do to help. Next...if this persists, see if she's willing to see a counselor with you. I seem to be really pushing counseling lately, but it's working for my LDH and I, slowly of course, but working nonetheless. He has many issues to work through. If she's not willing to go to counseling you may consider going yourself...you'd be amazed at the different approaches counselors can suggest to you, to try with her, that just may work.
My Ex... was the same except all desire stopped after she became pregnant with S3. Frequency was once every 6 to 8 weeks. After he was born it got worse. Once every two or three months.
But it was not me. My previous post D girlfriends had no complaints.... It was just that Ex was out of love for me. She had this assumption that the baby would make her fall back in love with me. It didn't.
Funny how her libedo came back 2 weeks after we seperated when she met her current boyfriend of 2 1/2 years
For sure, consider having her evaluated for an anti-depressant (like Wellbutrin, which has fewer sexual side effects). A word about sexual se of SSRI's: they don't effect drive/desire as much as they effect performance/ability to climax easily. So, if the SSRI's improve her desire, but dampen her sexual responsiveness, that'll be another bridge to cross. Sigh, it's always something.
As for me, I was the LDW after the birth of our children. The constant physical demands, touching, smooushing around of being with small children simply tapped out any need I had for affectionate contact with anyone. I think I still wanted sex, but I didn't feel sexy, I just felt overwhelmed with affection, etc. Previously, I had relied a lot on affection to get my motor running, and that no longer worked.
What I needed, instead, was to feel sexy. I know that's supposed to be an internal thing, she's supposed to get therapy etc. (I got therapy, too, I'm not saying I didn't). But the real difference came when I found a partner who REPEATEDLY told me I was cute, sexy, desirable, etc., to the point of nauseating anyone who might be listening, I suppose. I gained weight, I felt ugly. My ex-H would watch me come out in a new negligee and say, "So when are you going to lose the rest of the weight?" I felt rage, not sexiness. My new H tells me I'm sexy, all the time. And he suggests I wear sexier things (not just mommy things). He always notices when I do wear them, and he praises me. My SD is back, big time.
It took awhile. From the birth of second D to return of sex drive was about 5 years. It might have happened faster (I was giving sex manuals to my ex-H when D was 2 years old) if ex-H had changed his tune.
Summary: constant positive sexy attention that's GENUINE is important.
So, Scott, do you really feel she's sexy? Are there little things she does, a turn of the profile, a way she has of being or walking that really turns you on? Do you sometimes find her irresistable? Or do you just want sex?
And is the only reason you want sex with her because it's responsible? Cuz, frankly, I think that's where my ex was coming from ("I want sex, she's my wife, we're supposed to do it") whereas I needed: "She's the sexiest woman I know, I can't live without having sex with her, she's desirable."
I was quite aware, although I never said so, that when I told my XH to go find an OW, that he didn't find me sexy but was trying to follow the rules. And when he didn't respond with, "What? Are you kidding? All the other women are skanks? I want you!" the game was nearly over.
