Quote: --------- Glad to hear you are doing so great!!! Love to hear when people are doing good. Congrats! ---------
Thanks!
We are doing great. Just in the past two weeks we have had three really intense arguments! That's probably more than in the previous three years.
I am learning not to "just walk it off", and instead address issues as they come up. That is an area of vulnerability that I am most uncomfortable with. It is hard to admit needs (at least for me). It is contrary to my upbringing. It was also one of the primary factors in our relationship going wrong.
Along the same line, I have also learned that discussion or admitting needs and requesting they be met in a reasonable manner opens a whole new avenue for traffic exchange :-) I get to find out what her needs are as well.
I am a very 'manly' type of guy. It has been very hard NOT to meet every little issue with anger. Rather I have found that the real bravado (for me) is evidenced in seeking an understanding with my wife. That has been (still is) a hard walk for me. It makes me vulnerable and that is very uncomfortable.
I am finally realizing that I can be a "mans man", the guy you want to have around in an emergency, and still be a considerate and loving husband with the kind of confidence that melts her heart at the very thought of me :-)
I thought I was a true 'lover', and maybe some agreed. I rarely failed to get considerable attention from the ladies when I entered a room but I have to tell you, I feel more and more like a real lover than I ever have before.
Sorry for the long spiel.
I hope everything is going well for you! -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HP said: -------- Sounds like your M is reaching a new level of intimacy...who knows where you will end up! You are a true success story.. --------
I hope we do end up a true success. That would be great. Only time will tell though. We may try hard only to have it fall apart. As you well know, there are no guarantees.
Let me pass on something that my Dad told me long ago during my youth. My dad has been gone almost 20 years, and he and I never got along, but I will never forget some of his advice. In particular, I love this one, said to me after I came home from school with a bloody nose;
"Now boy, I don't care if you win or lose, but you'd best let 'em know you been there"
I feel the same way about my marriage. Maybe that is why I try to encourage some people on here to get up to the plate. No matter what, there will never be a doubt in my wife's mind that I didn't at least try. I showed up. Win lose or draw, I was there.
I appreciate you, HoneyP. I always enjoy your posts and you have my respect.
-NOPkins
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
So he must go through all the work to raise your desire? But you are sending him a clear message that you don't normally have desire for him, thus the message is that you don't love him. You need to have desire for him all on your own. That is what HD people want. We want to be desired, not have to do X, Y and Z so that you MIGHT desire us. In fact, if I have to "encourage" the right response sexually from my wife, if she then becomes sexual, I really don't give her credit for the sex. I want to be wanted at all times, not just when I do X, Y, and Z to get her in the mood.
I hear ya, CeMar, but it's pretty unrealistic to expect to be wanted at all times. You may think you feel that way toward your LD spouse, but if that spouse were HD, I'm guessing you wouldn't feel turned on ALL the time.
There's got to be some middle ground, though. Because otherwise we HD spouses feel like circus animals. It's the truth.
Or clowns.
I have to say that if it ever gets to where my LDH NEVER initiates on his own or ALWAYS waits for me to to the dance of the seven veils, I'm going to be one very unhappy camper.
Sounds like you really have things together and making it work!! So happy to hear of true success stories. I have yet to figure that out. We need to talk more. Trying to get him out from in front of the tv is not easy. I have come to realise that trying to get him to talk during the week is near impossible. He just will not think of anything during the week in the evenings.
I have not REALLY had a good talk with him about what I want. Maybe because I'm not really sure what it is I want from him at this point. He is being nicer to me than he was before. He does nice little things for me, which are nice. He used to talk to me like I was stupid at times. He has stopped that after 10 yrs of me telling him I don't appreciate it. In the past year when he had done that, I would stand up for myself and not allow it.
You just pointed out something that I've gotten from SSM and from this board. In the past, when asked what I wanted, I really didn't know. I said that I wanted a better SL, more sex, better sex, or something along those lines - all of which amounts to nothing. Now I can say that I want to ML two or three times a week, with once being minimally acceptable. I'm not even close to being there, but without ever stating a real goal, there is no way to measure. There's no way I could even hope to get there if I don't know where there is.
Quote: Now I can say that I want to ML two or three times a week, with once being minimally acceptable.
That's a good start, and I think you'll find that once the "pure frequency" issue is (at least sort of) dealt with, other issues will appear, such as quality. When you're not getting ANY, it might seem like heaven to think of ML 2+ times per week, but if the quality isn't always there, it can be just as frustrating...
I know exactly what you are saying. Its been probably 15 years since we had what even resembled a somewhat healthy physical relationship. There has been alot of resentment on my part which I know I have to let go of. I am working on myself right now, keeping busy, working on loosing weight, exercising...............
I can remember when I was a little girl I never had big dreams of "being" anything in my life except a wife with children. Thats what I always wanted. So I work on getting myself back to someone I can admire, then will work on deciding exactly what I want. Thanks for your insight
