Jo revealed her dirty mind by writing: Are you trying to tell us that you are Huge Jackman in disguise? __________________________
Now, I'm SURE that you mispelled Hugh purely by accident. And perhaps only you will understand when I admit to the Jack-man part of your query.
And Dog, you're right about the location of the lone bullet. But over time it's become too small to find. I guess the old saying applies, "Use it or lose it".
Mike, I went back and reviewed some of your first posts so I could understand your situation a little better.
I do not work for my church but I am an adult bible class teacher. My H and I have been married almost 22 years and been together for 25 years. We have 3 children - 2 boys and a girl, one daughter in law and a grandson on the way.
My H has had Crohn's since he was a teenager. He will be 50 in November. In the past 14 1/2 years we have battled illness and injuries, job loss, college, etc.
We used to have the BEST sex life I could imagine and I have a pretty vivid imagination. It has gradually gone down hill and has caused many hurt feelings along with anger and guilt.
This is supposed to be death do you part - in sickness and health, etc. I take that all for serious but I still miss making love to him like we used to. We still ML but sometimes it is just him getting his jollies and I am left out in the cold and pretty pissed off about it.
Sometimes the phyiscal aspects of sex makes his Crohn's kick in and that is the pits. I end up feeling like a petty witch with a capital B.
I miss the intimacy we used to share - I miss the little sexual inuendos he used to throw at me - I miss him "copping a feel" when he walked by - all gone for the most part.
I still think he is the best looking thing in shoe leather. He still looks fantastic to me and yet he might as well be my best friends husband for the most part.
I hardly ever approach him to ML but he almost 100% of the time will say no - got more excuses than Carter has liver pills. Yet the rational side of me says he may not be feeling good at that moment - the witch side of me says that since he is not interested because of medication he forgets that I am still VERY interested.
All in all, most of the time I drag a big sore spot around with me and I don't like that either. I don't like feeling sorry for myself or haveing a reason to feel sorry for myself!
Sorry this was such a long post. I'd quit posting for awile - it was getting hard to cope with and making me sadder when I see all of these guys out there jumping through hoops just for a little attention from their spouse.
My H is good to me - we just returned from a 7 day cruise to Mexico. We had a great time and did make love but it had been a long time before the cruise since the last time! And the first time was a quicky for him which gives me the RA like you just can not imagine. I wanted to throw him overboard - like I said - sometimes I am not rational!
I am working each day on not being sad. I pray everyday that they will find a cure for Crohn's and it will not longer hold a grip over my life.
I can relate to so much of your situation although mine is free from illness, etc. Mine is just a W under stress from kids, work, home....oh yeah, and ME!
One thing that seems clear to me from everyone here is the difference in attitude toward sex between the HD and LD spouse. For the H(er)D, sex is 50+% of the R, and therefore critical. For the L(er)D spouse, it's good but not critical, and therefore is often ignored or postponed for other activities (sleep, TV, cleaning lint out of belly button, etc.).
The HD tries to fix the M alone, and that starts (or adds to) the anger. Your H isn't trying to regain the satisfaction you felt earlier in your M and you feel angry about it (rightly so, IMO). That's just selfish, whatever his excuse (even Chron's). That selfishness causes feelings of rejection, disapproval and "unsexyness" (which is HUGE to the HD - it says, "you are undesirable, you have no value, and your needs are unimportant").
The HD feels frustrated and hopeless because the LD doesn't face his/her selfishness. Realistically, unless the LD spouse owns up to that selfishness, what future does the R have? A sexless R or divorce are the only options I can see, and neither of those are attractive to me.
BTW, the HDM are jealous that you miss (and want) the sexual innuendos and being "felt up". They want that, too, for the reason you mentioned, intimacy.
I hope posting helps you. But I've had to step away myself, so I understand if you do, too.
Quote: Now, I'm SURE that you mispelled Hugh purely by accident.
I'm so embarassed....not. I wanted to give you a giggle and I succeeded.... LOL Dirty mind, me? Naw, just depraved from being deprived like most of the rest of y'all. Laughter does make the pain go away for a minute or two..
I had to step away from posting for awhile myself. It just constantly kept it churned up for me.
I don't think my H realises he is being selfish. He had always been an excellent lover - he flipped my switches anyway!
I have begged him to read the book SSM but so far he has not. I even left it on his pillow when I left for a 5 day trip. He just tossed it aside. He thinks because he is aware that here is a problem that that is good enough.
We have had some in depth conversations on the subject and he has said that we should get a divorce so that I could persue a relationship. What an A**. I have told him that I don't want anyone but him and I don't. That makes me feel so shallow too. I know that sex is not the end all be all of life - it is just the icing (cream cheese at that) on the cake and the cherry on top. I end up feeling like a total heel - he does have a problem that causes running diarhia and severe stomache cramps. This is pretty much an every day thing for him. One day I had a severe stomache attack and I thought to myself, "Do you feel like having sex? Do you feel like going through the physical side of vigorous sex at this moment?" The answer to myself was not hardly. Last thing I wanted at that moment.
When you are dealing with a cronic illness everyone loses something and there are sacrifices to be made.
I try to focus on the good aspects of our marriage - which there are lots now. We used to have a very STORMY marriage but now we mostly have smooth sailing.
He is a very hard worker and a good provider. Last year he took me for a weeks vacation in Grand Cayman and we just got back from a weeks cruise to Mexico. We go out almost every Saturday night to dinner and to get me a Starbucks Latte.
I keep busy and involved in crafts. Last year I crocheted - to the tune of 9 complicated afghans. This year it is cakes - making a wedding cake right now. I concentrate on making him happy too. I try to be the best wife I can and not be demanding or pissy. Sometimes I do a very bad job at that.
I am 45 years old - way to young to shrivel up and die sexually.
I will continue to work towards peace and harmoney and enjoy what sex life we do have. I hope things get better for you. I will continue to read your former posts and hopefully I can help you in some sort of way.
I'm just curious...when you asked him to read SSM, did you simply ask him to read it and leave it at that or did you give him a reason to read it? I had success getting my LDH to read the book...he too already acknowledged there was a problem but because the Dr's said there was nothing physical wrong with him he was pretty much leaving it at that...leaving me completely dangling from a limb on my own. Anyway...when I gave him the book I had already read it 3 times and highlighted the things that I really related the most to. I asked him to read the book, telling him that I really thought he would relate to several parts of the book and that I felt it would help him understand where I was coming from...then I asked him to pay particular attention to the portions I'd highlighted, because those were issues I was really suffering trying to deal with. One of which was the portion that talks about...not having sex but still expecting your partner to stay faithful to you. It took him a long time to read the book, but it was an approach that worked for me...he's now in counseling...and things are slowly improving.
I have asked him several times to read the book. I know of at least 2 times he PROMISED to read the book after we had a rather TESTY conversation.
He said/acknowledges that our sex life is not what it used to be and he has assured me that it is not that he doesn't find me attactive. In fact in the 2 years ago I went on a major revamp and lost a considerable amount of weight which he really wanted me to do. So I KNOW that I look better now than I have in years. He has been very supportive and appreciative of my efforts in that area and thinks I look terrific (his words not mine).
Anyway, he feels I should be more understanding of his condition and that if he felt able that we would have sex more often. Currently we have sex about every 3 weeks. Sometimes a little more frequently but usually about every 3 weeks.
I know alot of people would say then what's the problem considering some people on this board are going months/years without sex. But it is a big deal for me. We used to have sex 3-4 times a week. Also, now it seems like when we do have sex it is him getting his jollies and I often get left out of the mix. I realize that bouncing around is not very good for someone who has Crohn's but I am not made of steel either. I got out on a web site recently and it said that people with Crohns shouldn't do things like horseback riding, water skiing, and sex could cause the same flairups. Oh joy thrill - then I really felt like a heel.
He feels that I should just suck up and get over it. I have tried to explain to him that alot of it is I miss the intimacy that we used to share. He has never been a demonstrative person & I got the "fix" for that hugging/kissing/touching through sex. Now he rarely touches me - I have to approach him and then I never know if he is going to push me away. Generally he wiggles away like a 4 year old.
I know my situation is somewhat different from others on this board because ours is due to illness - but the end result is the same.
I put the book away in my closet. I hate asking him again - I hate upsetting him because when he gets upset the Crohns can really flair up.
I have asked God to take away my desire. At this point in my life it is not a plus. I want only him so leaving him is NOT an option. I love him with all my heart and always have.
Niecie, Don't you think that the illness is a partial excuse though? I mean, surely he has good days....?
Also, I completely understand that his stomach is not up for full-on sex; it can be quite demanding. But what about other ways to pleasure you?
It seems as if it goes deeper than the illness is all I'm saying. He is rejecting a lot of sexual possibilities because of...what?...shame that he can't perform as he used to? Or does he feel entitled to not do anything because he is the one suffering and you are not? There are many ways that he could share in your sexuality--is he willing to explore and be creative?
If not then THAT is your problem, not the illness per se.
Good luck and good to see you around! Congrats on the cake deco business, you sound like a multi talented lady..
It seems to me that an immediate goal for you might be to get your H to see that HE is being selfish by hiding behind his illness. That's not to say that you won't be understanding when he's feeling sick, you have already shown that. But the LD spouse HAS to admit that their SD is at least part of the problem, IMO. Failure to do so simply enables them to use excuse after excuse, or in your case, one cover-all excuse.
Looking at it another way, Chron's hasn't stopped him from working. He had to make adjustments, but he found a way to work. And it didn't stop him from eating. Again, he determined what adjustments to make and made them. Then why should he accept sex once every 3 weeks as an OK change when it damages your R? He hasn't yet found the right adjustment to make to provide for his W!
Could it be that he's feeling inadequate or a failure because of the illness? You're giving him every reason not to feel that way sexually by expressing your desire for him. Pehaps he's taking a defeatist attitude in this area.
My suggestion is to stand up for yourself. As you said, 45 is too young to shrivel up and die sexually.
Mike - dead for 4 years and seriously shriveled up
I'm sorry, but I fail to find the irrationality in you, Neicie. How is it irrational to expect reciprocity? Especially when it involves something that you may very well want MORE than your H? (we have the same problem from time to time: an aroused human being with unfulfilled sexual desires is NOT desirable, from both psychological and physical points of view...)
No, I think you're the rational one and he is, in fact, the one with the psychological problem. Obviously, Crohn's can play a role in this, his mental functioning may not be exactly what it was, and it is natural for him to focus on his own body and needs most of the time (I'm coming out of a chronic illness, the ill partner has to do what Michelle says and JUST DO IT unless of course they are completely incapable - which he obviously isn't).
I'd be really po'ed too. It's almost as if your husband is signalling that physically, he can ML when he wishes, but that it's entirely on his schedule.
Good luck with this. Will it help if he sees your irritation as part of a response to how attractive you find him? Surely, if he knows you find him so attractive, he'll see why it's a good thing not to "waste" opportunities for you both to enjoy yourselves. It's like taking a kid to Disneyland and making them wait outside while the grownups go in.
Oh, one more thing. I'm not sure I'd view your H's behavior as "hiding" behind his illness. It's just that when he does have good days, the number of different things he wants/needs to do must be quite large. It may not occur to him that sex needs to be a higher priority on those days. He needs to take charge of his illness cycle by asking himself (every day if possible), is this a good day or a bad day, and if it is a good day, is it a day when I might consider ML with my W? If he can occasionally feel ready and move ML to the HIGHEST priority on his todo list, you'll be much happier. Eventually, you should get a take on how often this is, and you could move on to other issues, like, is it often enough? You love him so much, I'm guessing that if you knew he was trying to make it a priority, it would be enough.
