Turning a Fragile R into a Strong M-

[mylittlehalo]

Got locked out of my old thread so here is my new one.
My origial thread in Newcomers is here First thread
My thread in Piecing is here Second thread

It's a lot to read so here is a summary...
Xh and I married in 1997, D final 2002 after 18 month separation. Tried several times to reconcile with no avail. Xh bought a house with Ow (now XOw) and I moved on with my life. Xh and I talked spratically over the last couple of years, late 2003 Xh tells me that he loves me, always has and always will, he also told me that he was scared he would loose me if he hadn't already. He said he wanted to come back home.
We have been OFFICIALLY back together for the last few months, The roller-coaster ride we are on has been very difficult as of late. Xh and Xow are trying to sell their house, tons of problems have arrised with that sitch. A couple of weeks ago Xh told me that he needed time to figure out who he is. I completely understand this and have been very supportive. Times have been difficult but I still believe there is a loving strong R some where beyond all these problems.

A couple of good things have come out of this sitch. Xh and I are communicating like we never have before, I find it easier and easier to talk to him about life, work, and some R (but not too deep R talk). I also know he feels our communication skills have completely turned around from where they ever have been. Xh also talks and shares very intimate feelings with me which I love. Every time we talk he tells me how good it feels to be able to talk to me, We have a lot of fun and laugh a lot when we talk on the phone. Xh and I have so much fun when we spend time together regardless of if we are having dinner, watching our oldest nephew at the pool, going to the casino, going to family functions and parties, or simply hanging around the house doing nothing. And most importantly we have an incredible sex life. When we ML it feels like we are so close and almost inseparable. But sometimes I feel this is the closest we will ever be.

[nikatnight]

Halo,

Woohoo, # 1!!

You are an inspiration to us all. I am still amazed that you hadn't moved on since the D to the point that you no longer wanted your XH back.

Sounds like everything is going well, just need to get rid of that house, huh?

Nik

[mylittlehalo]

nikatnight,
Thank you for being #1.

I would not say I was an inspiration, And sometimes it amazes me how I have not been able to move on. After our D was final I tried so hard to go out and date and move on but with every R regardless of how long or short it was I realized there was a big thing missing... My H!

If Xh could get that house sold it would make both of our lives easier. I keeping praying that that house will sell. the only problem with this is that the house is not even on the market at this point. They have things they need to do before they can put it back on.

[mylittlehalo]

Just venting today...
I am so confused, I do not know what to do anymore.
You know this roller-coaster ride is causing much havic in my world and is also raising a few eyebrows around the house.
One day I have no doubts about the love my Xh has for me and I do not doubt that we will be together forever very soon, then there are days like today that I fell as though all my efforts are worthless. Today I fell like everything I have done and everything I have put up with is just backfiring on me.
Things between Xh and I are going back and forth, he is very attentive then is very distant. The more I back off the closer he gets, but on the same token the closer he gets scares him and he turns around and runs in the other direction. I believe he is trying to make a point to stand his ground with this getting to know himself thing. In my heart I know he knows how wonderful things with me and us are and could be and it scares him. It's almost like he is trying to push me away, almost like he is trying to push the buttons that once upon a time would bring out the demond in me. I think that he thinks if he stays away, I will end up allowing that ugly no good demond to comeback and it will convince him that he was right to have his distance, by not allowing himself to get attached will make sure I do not hurt him when the worse happens. Maybe he still has doubts about the me I am today. Does this make any sence? I know, I know Halo quit ASSuming. But I think there is something to this.
Over the last few weeks he has not said ILY, he tells me that I know how much he loves me, I am his sweetheart, I am the love of his life and he would tell anyone that, He tells me how I mean the world to him, I am his everything. Does this sound like something a man trying to figure out who he is would say? Things are just so confusing...

On another note I really do not like the Month of June... June is known as the month for weddings, I see TV shows that focus on weddings, Bridal extraviganzas, it's in the news, Even my favorite radio personalities are talking about weddings and it is really making me sick. Every show I see or story I hear about weddings makes the reality of my marriage failing even more real. So okay I know I have been D'vcd for 2 years but it still hurts.

I should not complain because Xh did come over last night for the evening, we talked a lot he held me all night. He came over to get my approval of our new truck. He said he
wanted to get a truck big enough for "OUR" family., Okay so anyone see why I am as confused as I am???

[nikatnight]

Halo,

I too, test the waters with H sometimes. Maybe that is exactly what your xH is doing. He probably wants to make sure that the neg. traits that you had in the past are gone and buried.

When you are ready I would definately ask for what you want. If you need to hear "ILY" then ask and test your xH.

Nik

[Aeryn]

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, but I don't agree with asking for those words before your xH is ready.

DR talks about NOT doing status check in one of the chapters, you run the risk of making your xH commit to something he's not ready for.

I say sit on it and continue to do what you're doing. Draw him back into the R with you, and give him time to feel comfortable, without pressure, first.

But that's just my opinon, not advice.

[nikatnight]

Halo and Aeryn,

I do agree about the no pressure DB "rule" however; there is a time and a place to "ask for what you want." I did not mean to say do it now. You will know when you and xH are ready to make that step.

Nik

[mylittlehalo]

Thanks nikatnight and Aeryn for your response.
nikatnight, I think you really have something with the testing the waters thing. Xh is just as scared as I am about being hurt. And ya'll are both right about no pressure, thats pretty much where I am now.
Xh and I have been together for right at 12 years so we do have a lot of history together: which has its disadvantages along with the advantages. It will take time and patience for Xh to see that I am not going to revert back to the me he remembers at the end of our M.
Time and patience those words come up a lot in D'bing dont they? LOL Well, I have a lot of time and everyday I am gaining more patience so I believe I can hang in there. Thank goodness.

On a brighter note...
Xh and I had a wonderful conversation last night on the phone. We are getting closer than every before, Xh initiated R talk .

[slowly]

Hi Halo - Sounds like the dips in the roller coaster are not so low these days. Remember to acknowledge the positives, they definitely help us through the lows It is wonderful that you and xH continue to get closer, must be all that awesome dbing Slowly.

[sad_sad_sad]

Halo:

Good to find your new thread and sorry it took me so long to respond to you. You have definitely been better at keeping up with me lately.

It sounds like things are looking up overall, but we know the up and down routine. I happen to agree with the occassional check-in; my challenge is to make sure it is only done occassionally. Based on the reaction you get, you will know whether to retreat in DB mode or continue the growth process. I feel if you don't occassionally ask, you won't know exactly where you stand. But, doing without exerting pressure...that is the challenge.

Hang in there and continue what got you to this point. As far as your doubts, they are natural, especially after what you have been through. But, I am sure, at the end of the day, when you really think about what you want, you will come to the same answer you have all along...that you want to be together. But, if that changes, that is ok too. There is nothing that says that we cannot change our mind as we grow as people as well.

I found your dating comments interesting. It is one of the things I have been thinking about lately as I try to detach and let go of my situation. Don't know if my results will be the same, but I am getting more interested in trying to find out as my process with my W continues. Guess that is progress, right?

Take care and will keep in touch.

I vaguely remember you listing your IM address in a previous post somewhere. If you care to list it again, I would appreciate it, as there are sometimes that immediate feedback is helpful. Thanks in advance.