I am 36, with 2 children divorced. 5 years ago I met and fell in love with my partner, our sex life was the best I had ever had wonderful caring, he cuddled me just perfect. 6 months into our relationship his Grandfather died, his sex drive went on a fast downward slope, which was understandable. After a while I started talking to him about it and trying to get it back on track...this is where the fustration starts. From that time on I have had these answers from him of why we have basically no sex life - 1. Grandads death 2. Frightened of getting me pregnant (we were using 2 types of contraception) 3. Dont like condems 4. hard to get an errection 5. now he has a bad back. We are now in the month of June and we have had sex 3 times this year. I say sex because thats what it is to me by the time we get to the point that he his going to playalong I am so horny that it is just sex...not making love and taking our time. As a woman I feel rejected, I am not a model size, I am a size 18, I already have body issues that are made worse by the fact that I do nothing for my man, I feel like he doesnt fancy me, I am fat and ugly. He hates talking about it and gets angry, I try and leave the subject alone but in the end I miss being desired. I miss making love, I miss kissing I miss feeling wanted and needed that way. I get so angry, so fustrated. I have done the making special dinners, running bubble baths candles etc, back rubs and I have even booked weekends away.....he hates them just me and him...now I hate them. I feel dirty for wanting sex, even perverted, god I would love a dirty weekend away, although I am not a sex every night girl by no means, once a week or even a fortnight would be good...but we are now averaging 1 every 2 months....HELP
Hey peanut. I'm sure you'll get lots of advice here. Read the posts of other folks, too, as you will find that other people have had similar problems to yours.
I can't write much now (have to get back to work), but just wanted to welcome you to the club.
Thanks hairdog... at the moment I am just so fed up of crying myself to sleep at night. And then when we do have sex I feel like I have to be soooooo grateful.....in the hope that He may consent again sometime soon. When we have a good month (2x) he can see what a different person I am...not stressed out and happier....
Quote: he can see what a different person I am...not stressed out and happier
I know this may sound ridiculos, but what if you were the same person all the time? OR, what if your happiness and your stress level depended on something you have control over rather than depending on him.
might that change anything? if only your feelings about yourself.
I know what you are saying. but I am stressed because of fustration, the fact that my partner no longer desires me does not make me feel good, I know you have to do things for yourself to make you feel good which I do, I go to the gym and feel wonderful after...but I would like a full and loving relationship with my parnter, sex included and at for some time he has been in control of our so called sex life. I miss it, I miss him and I miss us. I dont want to go else where to have an affair. I want to share this with the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but sex is not on the agenda for him....he says he has a bad back now....but to be honest it might be that or something else I have had so many excuses that its become a bit of a joke. We used to make love all over the house at different times of the day.....now when we do its at night in only in bed. He enjoys recieving oral sex and used to return the favour as such....all of a sudden he would not give me oral sex, no reasons just would not...I went through all the reasons why and he just say he doesnt want to do that any more....really fed up with thelot of it.
I understand your frustrations and I'm glad to hear that you are doing things for you that help you to feel good about yourself. The rest I have no solutions to offer as I often find myself in the same predicament.
I only have questions...
when you are feeling frustrated as a result of his lack of desire what do you do? how do you act toward him? Is the running joke or comments to him about his lack of desire working for you or against you? If his "bad back" is a problem why not suggest letting him lie down?
I understand your feelngs of frustration, and yes they do cause stress. I know where you're coming from...as do many others on here :-) My LDH and I had a son a year ago...and since that time I've had very little success getting back to my previous figure. I know that takes time, but fors some it takes longer than others. Anyway...that's not the point, I know what it's like to have issues with my body too...I've fought with my weight all my life. I thought that my LDH simply didn't find me attractive anymore...like you said I thought he didn't fancy me. He kept telling me that it wasn't me, but it's really hard to believe when you aren't shown any phsical attentnion isn't it? It's very possible he has things preoccupying his mind...that's generally the case with my LDH. That and the fact that he's pretty bad at communicating with me about sex. I've since learned that he thinks about it during the day with me, intends to come home and put the baby to bed early...then life intervenes and he never even communicates to me that he wanted to do that. Of course if he had told me that I would have done everything I could to make sure our son was asleep early. Instead he gets into doing what he needs to around the house and wears himself out so all he wants to do is sleep by the time we go to bed.
Your LD partner might have a problem discussing sex as my LDH does, but have you asked him if he thinks about it? Of course you may get the same answer I did for a long time which was, No. But it did finally come out with our therapist asking different questins, that yes, he does think about it...he just doesn't act on it in a timely manner...and the biggest mistake he's been making is not telling me he thinks of ML w/me.
