Quote: I was having a pity party and making H's actions about me once again.
I had to LOL when I read this ... for I see your H doing the same thing ... he was having a pity party too and he making his action about you too!!!
It seem to start with the night of the storm. No doubt he was became riddled with guilt for not being home with you and son during that scary and dangerous storm, let alone ending up at OW. In order to deal with the guilt he made it all about you. Oi! (((Cathy)))
You can't control his reactions, but you don't deserve the backlash! Validate his feeling, but I think you need to let it be known you are not the bad guy here! There's no need to point out who it is. Deep down we all know who it is, including the culprit! Just don't allow the blame to be shifted onto your shoulders. "Gee, I feel terrible that you ended up feeling this way. I wish it didn't turn out the way that it did, but I had no control over that!" He has to stop using you as his scapegoat or he will never see you in a different light.
On that note, since you can't mindread when your H want you to reach out for him, maybe each time he stresses out, can you get into the habit of asking him, "Do you want my help?"
That in itself is a form of reaching out and may work for your H.
Glad to hear H threat to move out was yet another empty one ... Cathy, your H is the King of the pity party ... keep that in mind the next time he starts spewing and its time for you to come up with a way to tell yourself and him that you don't wish to be invited to them anymore.
and maybe you can turn it around by telling him how much you would like to invite him to a good time instead.
I don't know the answers Cathy ... really ... just thowing some ideas out there that might help get you unstuck ... that feeling I do know quite a bit about ...
As I read the last few posts on your thread, it was like deja vous! You are still caught up in the whirlwind of your H's drama and the saddest part is, while you're being a martyr hanging onto your M with dear life, your H is living HIS life hour to hour, day to day, indulging in whatever self gratifying activity makes him feel good at everyone else’s expense.
FEAR is a cancer of the heart and soul. It's an insidious disease that claims your life, your happiness, your self respect and your child's sense of security little by little, day after day.
Your H's antics have NOT changed one iota, in fact, it sounds as if he's become more brazen, more narcissistic and more psychotic as the months have passed.
Give yourself the gift of hope and love, NOT for the rest of his life, but for the REST of yours.
It’s terribly hard to make the decision to make a REAL change and IMHO, the only real change left for you to make, is to show him the door, because the sad truth is, you can’t love an unlovable man, no matter how badly you want to remain Mrs. ******, It’s not worth it to you, and it’s damn sure not healthy for your son.
It's true, I'm NOT a Christian, but we have the same God none the less, and I don't think your faith demands that you be a martyr, or help mate to an emotionally abusive adulterer any more than my faith does.
Hugs to you Cathy and I swear I PRAY that you will find the strength to make a NEW and richer, happier life for yourself and you precious son.
T2
KAW, thank you for input..I appreciate a fresh perspective, being so close to it every day makes it hard.
T2:
Quote: Your H's antics have NOT changed one iota, in fact, it sounds as if he's become more brazen, more narcissistic and more psychotic as the months have passed.
I think you hit it right on the head. H is getting worse and that's been the nagging, can't quite put them into words feelings that I have been having for the last few days.
He's getting better and worse at the same time
Quote: no matter how badly you want to remain Mrs. ******,
Yeah only because it's shorter then my maiden name.
I don't know why I'm putting myself through this I really don't, but something inside me says it's not time to give up yet and until that feeling changes then I will continue on this path.
I do feel a new strength, each time I go down I seem to come back stronger, time will tell.
I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend and will just take this one day at a day from now on.
I understand where KAW was coming from, but only you can determine when enough is enough.
Had I listened to the well-intentioned advise of others, I would have moved on without my H and lost out on the opportunity for this R I have with him now.
Maybe your H is approaching his rock bottom. Because you are so close to the situation, you are bound to get some bumps and bruises along the way. However, it is still his journey. He needs to hit the bottom before he can start his ascension toward the top again.
You amaze me with you patience and resolve. You put a lot of side comments in your posts. Do you every verbalize these thoughts to him?
I mean, can it be said without sounding sarcastic or blaming? - just a statement of fact? At times it seems like you do - like saying I am sorry you feel that way - when he said he couldn't live with you any more.
The question I would put to him should he say that again is "I really think it is you that you can't live with any more. I love unconditionally and I want to see you happy and healthy. I will be here to help you do that when you are ready."
Would that work? Just a thought.
I think turning things back to him, letting him take responsibility for his actions might help him wake up and smell the coffee. YOu are in no way to blame for his behavior.
You are right to live a life for yourself. You can support his choosen lifestyle, but you don't have to join him in living it. Loving detachment at its finest huh?
Hang in there. Your resolve is something to be admired.
BTW, my skating rink always has a welcome sign on it!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I must admit even when I read some posts that don't make me feel particularly good, make me question MY sanity I tend to to start a pity party even then...like okay then I'll just do "insert here" if that's what everyone wants and then be miserable becuase it wasn't really what I wanted to do. I let other people's mood affect my moods even in my 3D life.
T2, bless your heart, I know from the beginning you've want to kick H's *ss, but I've never been that way--secretly but would NEVER follow through.
My sarcastic/blaming nature is more than gone with my H. Oh it was a big part of the breakdown of our R. That and my constant nagging/bitching! So when he accuses me of it now, well I know darn well he doesn't know what he's talking about, I'm more amazed than anything else I guess. That is still stuck in the past.
Maybe it IS time for me to start being more honest with H.
I have one vent, when H does stay at OW's she gives him food. Last night he took a granola bar out of his lunch box and it was laying on the counter. I unwrapped it and threw in the field next door for the mice and rabbits to eat!
That I'm making lunch for him and that OW is doing the same makes me cringe some days. This was a complaint of H's and I'm sure H told OW about it and thus the reason OW's sure to give him food. Yuck! Makes ME not want to.
Quote: At times it seems like you do - like saying I am sorry you feel that way - when he said he couldn't live with you any more.
The question I would put to him should he say that again is "I really think it is you that you can't live with any more. I love unconditionally and I want to see you happy and healthy. I will be here to help you do that when you are ready."
Would that work? Just a thought.
I think turning things back to him, letting him take responsibility for his actions might help him wake up and smell the coffee. YOu are in no way to blame for his behavior.
Quote: You can't control his reactions, but you don't deserve the backlash! Validate his feeling, but I think you need to let it be known you are not the bad guy here! There's no need to point out who it is. Deep down we all know who it is, including the culprit! Just don't allow the blame to be shifted onto your shoulders. "Gee, I feel terrible that you ended up feeling this way. I wish it didn't turn out the way that it did, but I had no control over that!" He has to stop using you as his scapegoat or he will never see you in a different light.
Quote: On that note, since you can't mindread when your H want you to reach out for him, maybe each time he stresses out, can you get into the habit of asking him, "Do you want my help?"
That in itself is a form of reaching out and may work for your H.
Glad to hear H threat to move out was yet another empty one ...
Pulled these hear as I feel these posts are going to be very important moving forward. I really DO need to find a new way to act when H pulls his junk!
Quote: Cathy, your H is the King of the pity party ... keep that in mind the next time he starts spewing and its time for you to come up with a way to tell yourself and him that you don't wish to be invited to them anymore.
H is the King of the Pity Party...this is a new perspective for me..here I thought I was the Queen of the Pity Party..and since these parties are something you have alone H can't come to mine nor I to his....hmmm this is an ahhh haaaa moment. When we're both having our own separate party, maybe like KAW says, pointing this out to H and then suggesting something fun would be a 180 and a way to put some humor into the moement.
I was thinking last night that I cannot give up yet on H as I haven't tried everything, I really haven't. I still can't stand up to him, turn the tables on HIM when he pulls his junk. Theres is more work to be done.
I need to reach, I need to push myself to be the person I know that I can be and THEN, maybe when I feel I have tried everything, when I have become the person that I know I can be, maybe then will be the time to give the ultimatimum, but till then I'm on this path.
I initiated ml with H last night, it's been two weeks made it about him, that I wanted him and he hugged me in a way that he hasn't in a long time.
Gotta get ready for work. Big day today a golf outing, I'm not golfing photolady for the day and running the outing!!!
Quote: I was thinking last night that I cannot give up yet on H as I haven't tried everything, I really haven't. I still can't stand up to him, turn the tables on HIM when he pulls his junk. Theres is more work to be done.
You are the only that can decide this for yourself. I also think that you are strong enough to wait it out OR to decide that you've had enough.
I feel exactly like what you are feeling right now. That we are not ready yet to call it quit despite the fact that we are very, very tired of this situation. I also just wish that we have a magic wand and can rectify the situation once and for all.
Most of the feelings that you are feeling now I can relate exactly. The thought of OW, how H may be treating OW, how H wants to seek Ow's approval and just leave us the LBS to rot. It is so unfair.
I've been staying up late nights and torture my brain trying to come up as to how best to deal with this situation, but maybe it is just best to leave it as it is for the moment and do nothing. Unless we are ready to call it quit, there's nothing much we can do about their behaviour and contact with OW. Its very difficult but you are strong, Cathy, you'll go through this..
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Quote: That we are not ready yet to call it quit despite the fact that we are very, very tired of this situation. I also just wish that we have a magic wand and can rectify the situation once and for all.
BnB! I totally agree! I've been separated for 17 months! If you find that magic wand, can I borrow it!?
I wish that I could forget ALL the happy memories. I loved the "good ole days". Love the memories, but right now those memories hurt!
Cathy,
HUGS! I also have not tried everything. So come on over to my curb or pull up a chair! I have been here over a year, so if I have to, I guess I can be here another!
(((Cathy)))
Just don't allow the blame to be shifted onto your shoulders. "Gee, I feel terrible that you ended up feeling this way. I wish it didn't turn out the way that it did, but I had no control over that!"
... just thowing some ideas out there that might help get you unstuck ... that feeling I do know quite a bit about 
and then be miserable becuase it wasn't really what I wanted to do. I let other people's mood affect my moods even in my 3D life. 
made it about him, that I wanted him and he hugged me in a way that he hasn't in a long time. 