Hi all, I appreciate your input and support so much. I really feel like I would have alread lost this war if it werent for all of you here. I'm still working on keeping the crazymaker in her corner....this funeral thing is really bugging me, but I'm working hard to let it go and not say a word.....I keep asking myself if it will get me closer to my goal....answer is no, it will probably set me back aways because H will interpret it as "hawkeyeing" and get irritated....I ask myself what will happen, and come up with the answer that we will both get upset and the good, close feelings we've managed to develop on vacation will be chipped away at rather than a deposit being made to his "love bank". so, the thing to do it keep my mouth shut and let it go.....
Last night H was so tired after a 12 hour day his first day back at work, I would have liked some "nookie" but it didnt seem like the time to go after it, so I didnt, but darn I wanted to!
H did sit at the table and talk with me for an hour and 1/2 after he got home, seemed to enjoy it and really want to just "shot the breeze"....of course I enjoyed it....but I have to look at this as a positive. a year ago we would have never done this.
This morning H is talking again about looking for new jobs out of state, "somewhere with mountains".....he waffles so on the job stuff, but I believe he was being truthful when he said a month ago that he sees a job change as a way to put the distance he needs between him and OW....
Now that we are back to work, we are so busy, I'm very aware of how hard it is to find time to spend with each other and what a detrimental effect for us not finding that time has. H even commented this morning about "we're working and never able to see each other". Darn I miss getting to have that unstructured time with him.
Yesterday I reread the MLC chapter of DR.....I'm convinced that's a huge part of what's going on w/H, and it really reinforced to me how important it is that I stay backed off and just let him "go" right now. this is still so hard for me to do.
I keep reminding myself that I get much more postive results from focusing my energy and powers on making things great at home and between us than I do from "stewing" and obssessing about OW/them.........he really does seem to respond well to those efforts, and responds very negatively to anything relating to "OW"....but I think she somehow picks up signals about his "contentment" at home, and that seems to drive her wild and precipitate her going pretty ballistic, so, hmmmmmm, maybe getting all the "good stuff" in there I can is a very effective weapon in this war....a sharp double-edged sword.
I'm pasting an entry on Shay's thread here for my reference. This sure helps answer some of the big questions in the back of my mind..... Hi Wonder,
Greetings from the Other Side. *smile* What your particular brand of WA is thinking I can’t tell you, but for the sake of argument, let’s try to imagine a typical WA (also known as Walkawayus vulgaris) Not an almost-WA, but someone who actually left their family for an OP and is currently living with him or her. To simplify pronounification, let’s assume the WA is a man. Our WA has a wife and 2.2 children. He left his family, say, three months ago, and the reality of real life with real OP is already starting to creep in (as opposed to fanasy life with fantasy OP). He is starting to miss his wife and his 2.2 children.
So far, so obvious. His LBW, being a smart cookie, has meanwhile found this site and is DBing. Our WA notices all the positive changes she has made, and that adds to this misery. Now, he is faced with two choices. He could go back to his family (obviously) or stay with OP. Now, the rusty wheels of the WA mind begin to turn. He’s already badly hurt his wife, and he knows it. She may choose to forgive him, but she may never really do it. Or even worse, she might become a WA herself at some point (and after all, who could blame her). So in his eyes, he’s already thoroughly discredited himself in front of her.
As for OP, he’s been telling her for months what a terrible, stale, sterile marriage he was in. How his wife didn’t understand him, how they were together only for the children. He was quite eloquent, because he believed it himself at the time. Now, how to convey to OP that the terrible marriage might not have been so terrible after all, that he is torn up inside, and that he’s even considering going back? A big blow to his self-esteem and pride, and like it or not, those two things play a big factor in most men’s decisions. Not to mention that OP is probably in love with him, and he'd have to hurt her feelings, too. As far as he’s concerned, in order to go back, he’d have to make a fool out of himself in front of not only one, but two women, accept that he's made a lot of mistakes and caused a lot of pain. So he stumbles on, refuses to make a decision, alternates between burst of anger, tenderness and despair, and subconsciously hopes that someone, please, make the decision for him.
Could it be like this?
Pen plus for my H, add in all the guilt he feels for what he's done to poor OW, and I think that's it in a nutshell....
Which brings me back to one of my original goals/assertions, I am not going to be the one to make or own his decision OR to do anything that would help him decide to go her way.....(yes, I see a contradiction there, but that's ok!)
deb, ahhhh so much stuff in your sitch i cant even focus on what i want to say (one of my many faults according to evil anti-M H )...anyway, my H was one of the "good ones" too. As in he thought this A would never happen to him, his dad did it and he is determined to be unlike his dad. so....I read that if you say it will never happen to me , you are the most succeptable. Which makes it even harder for your H to face his decisions of late and the repercussions. My H blamed me for 10 years of unhappiness, said all kinds of alien evil alien things like I didnt like him and didnt want to be with him didnt like his presents didnt want to see him in his triathelon races I mean everything under the sun~! crazy stuff and i would defend myself but really he was blaming me because he couldnt live with himself. I let it hurt me and convinced myself it was my fault (some of it was of course) but certainly not all that stuff. Steer away from the 10 bad years and why conversation- it reinforces his unhealthy A and life choices. H now says he was wrong and I think even in his state he listened to what I said if it was about him. Not me. I even sent him an email about ruining OW 's M and family and he kept it, now says I was right and feels really bad about it. Your H cant live w/o you- make sure he sees that in your attitude - be happy and dont get sucked into his misery. if you can. I read a good book, cheesy title, "I will never leave you" talks about As. Good stuff and helps you understand. Anyway, love reading about your journey...lol Shay
someone helped me with " you are a goddess" , and dont forget it!!
Hi Shay....and Thanks! 10 bad years! that seems to be their magic #, doesnt it? OK, now I'm incorporating into my brain cells that I am not only a prize to be pursued and won, but a goddess! can you feel my head swelling from where you are? LOL! Oh well, I love it!
OK, Alien Speak gibberish coming over the airwaves. I just got an email from H wanting me to look on the net for job openings in Montana, Wyoming, or Idaho.....OK........I can give it a shot and I've always thought those would be cool places to live.....BUT....this from the guy who's spent 2 months and sent out 1 resume and is currently pouting because he hasnt heard back from them? (can't follow up on my suggestion to call them.....!) Interpretation in my native tongue: OW is giving him crap again, big time.......ok, whatever...........I guess the more she dishes out the better......come on girl, pile it on higher and deeper and faster!!!!!!!! Lord the guy is a mess.
When I think about it much, or in my saner moments, the thought does enter my head that he's damn lucky I'm concentrating on ways to be nice and romantic towards him instead of putting my energy into packing up his stuff and pitching his hiney out the door.
Oh, I gotta laugh and tell you about a "180" predictable ole Deb did....just before vacation, I bought a highlighting kit for my hair.....H picked it up and said "what's this" .....I said "I'm going to streak my hair"....he got this horrified and shocked look on his face and kind of squeaked out "streak your hair???!!!???? Why????? I was walking away from him, up the stairs, and just looked down and smiled and said "oh, I don't know, midlife crisis I guess" and kept walking, but I enjoyed his shock!
I didn't get it done before we left so I did it while we were on vacation. I left the highlighter on too long because H and S and I were playing cards and I forgot it....so it's kind of a golden red color with blonde high lights. VERY different than anything....S said "Mom it's Pink!" when it was first done (it's not)....It was kind of a shocking change even to me....I asked H if he thought I should color it back, and he said "well no body here knows what it's supposed to look like, so it's ok" (how's that for a stick in the mud response?) I asked him once since we got home if he thought I should change it, and he just looks at me in a funny way.....D thinks is looks good, and I decided I kinda like it, so I'm gonna leave it for now. but the look on H's face a time or two....priceless! hee hee hee hee hee!!!!
on a more serious note, I am working on the letter I've not been able to write....just kind of putting my thoughts down because I cant seem to say them. I will post it here before I ever give it to H....may not give it to him any way.....
Slowly 
)...anyway, my H was one of the "good ones" too. As in he thought this A would never happen to him, his dad did it and he is determined to be unlike his dad. so....I read that if you say it will never happen to me , you are the most succeptable. Which makes it even harder for your H to face his decisions of late and the repercussions. My H blamed me for 10 years of unhappiness, said all kinds of alien evil alien things like I didnt like him and didnt want to be with him didnt like his presents didnt want to see him in his triathelon races I mean everything under the sun~! crazy stuff and i would defend myself but really he was blaming me because he couldnt live with himself. I let it hurt me and convinced myself it was my fault (some of it was of course) but certainly not all that stuff. Steer away from the 10 bad years and why conversation- it reinforces his unhealthy A and life choices. H now says he was wrong and I think even in his state he listened to what I said if it was about him. Not me. I even sent him an email about ruining OW 's M and family and he kept it, now says I was right and feels really bad about it.