Well I am struggling with the diffrence between me and my H's HD vs LD. After reading on here the other night and realizing that I am allowing him to call all the shots out of fear that if I don't respond it will turn what little LMing he wants away. He tells me he doesn't like it because I always want to know earlier in the evening if he is in the mood.. He also says I put a lot of pressure on him. I also tried talking to him something I talked about in another thread.. Talking about would he rather I masturbate so that he would not be so pressured. He said I can't give you permission. I told him I wasn't asking for permission but wanted to know if he thought that would help take some of the pressure if I approached that way. I never got a clear answer. Any back to my question. I am trying really really hard not to ask at all about ML and bite my lip. Also I am trying not to appear as if I want to ML at all. The reason is to take the pressure of him and also because I hate the idea of him calling all the shots and I am at his mercy.. I belive it should be a two way street. I am having trouble because I am staying on the computer and doing various other things to try and help me carry this out. I don't want him to feel like I don't love him and don't want to spend time with him but need some distance in order to keep it together and not end up saying anything.. I don't know how to do this.. Does anyone have any ideas..
Smiles, you've just articulated another of my fears. If I show desire, I'm putting pressure on her, but if I pull back and don't show any desire, then she figures I'm OK with the sitch. But either way, I don't get any...
Hi Smiles, I can relate to your feelings as right now my H feels pressure from me in my attempts to make the marriage more intimate. I never realized that when you are the partner with higher desire how it hurts your sense of attractiveness/esteem. I am sure the HDM on the board will disagree with me here, but I feel the rejection is worse for a woman. The 2 books that have helped me the most are SSM and PM( Passionate Marriage, by Schnarch). SSM talks about taking the pressure off by doing the opposite of what you have been doing, and working on yourself in other areas as you wait it out. PM is about strengthening and asserting yourself as an individual in the marriage, and points out that these impasses( or gridlocks as he calls them) are an inevitable part of marriage, and that you need to "hold onto yourself" and stand up for what you want in order to make the marriage grow. By being your own person and not succumbing to the pull of the relationship, the marriage can move forward.
Keep posting...as I have said before, there are some very intelligent people here who can work with you through your interactions, and it's great to not feel so alone in this. Journey
Smiles: I hear you. If you mention it, it's pressure. If you touch your spouse suggestively, it's pressure. If you sigh when you're rejected for the nth time, it's pressure. And, if you just smile and glide through your life, pretending that everything is okay, then they think everything is okay and that you must not want to ML since you're not complaining about it. Oh, and then you mention after months of this pretending that you have really been missing ML, and then it's, "I know you've been thinking about sex...even though you've been acting all fine with it, you're still thinking about it. That's pressure!"
The way I see it, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. So go ahead and pressure him. Tell him you want sex at least x times a week or month. Oh, and add, if he doesn't want to share himself with you that often, no problem, but he'll have to live with the consequences of his decision not to share. Leave it at that.
Of course, I've been on this board for months now and have never gotten up the nerve to tell this to my W, but it's easier to tell other people to do this than to do it myself.
Oh, and by the way, you don't need your husband's permission to masturbate. Do what YOU want.
You sound like you are in a state of confusion and anxiety. Trying to juggle your needs with what you percieve are his feelings. This is a sign of "emotional fusion" and not a good thing. Simply take a deep breath, relax, realize that he is a completely separate person. Then simply say what you want and emphasize that he has a choice to respond and that you will be evaluating your choices (yes, you have choices) based upon his.
It takes very little effort, just lots of guts. Good luck.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Take it from someone who has tried exactly what you are trying it will not work. It will just allow the other person to go and do what they want. If they are never confronted with what they are doing they will never change. I would suggest you tell you H exactly what you want. Don't complain about what your not getting but tell him in a very exact way what you need. If you need to ML 3 times a week tell him that. Then have consequences for it if it does not happen.
I myself have tried the no pressure approach and went months without it. By the time I finally said hey I was so angry and resentful that it caused more problems than it was worth.
I think I understand this "emotional fusion" thing. Let me give it a stab:
It's when your partner's emotions are as important to you as your own. Or, at least, second guessing your partner's emotions are controlling a significant portion of your life. It's where your partner's opinion is the final judgement of your soul's worth and you're scared to death s/he'll find you wanting.
It's worse than slavery. Great songs are written about it - the one by Melissa Ethridge comes to mine: Baby's got my heart Baby's got my mind And tonight the sweet devil Sweet devil's got my soul.
"But being so attuned to your partner is supposed to be a GOOD thing."
Welcome to hell. The only one who can get you out is you.
Tom - who, to a large extent, is roasting right along with you...
It seems like I'm doing a lot of agreeing here, but I agree again. You've pretty much summed up another issue that bothers me.
I thought that being attuned and responsive to your partner was supposed to be a good thing. But trying to do that has gotten me nowhere. Just the same, that attitude is so ingrained in me that it just seems wrong when people here tell me to stand up for my needs. I'm not saying that they're wrong (they're probably not) - just that I'm so conditioned that it SOUNDS wrong. Might be a good place to try a 180.
It's not that I am not attuned and responsive to my partner any longer...it's that I am ALSO attuned to and responsive to MYSELF.
Does this clear it up? I am no longer willing to make his reality the definitive reality of my life. There are two people in this marriage and we will be running from that perspective from here on out.
Thanks everyone for sharing and the advice. I know I am at my witts end and don't know what to do.. I appreiate everyones help on here.. Actually I couldn't wait to get on here and see what the replies were.. Last night after I got off here I went to bed and H wasn't asleep yet. He rose up and gave me a kiss.. I asked where that came from. He didn't answer and so I said I am not complaining that was nice. Then a few minutes later I asked him if he wanted to cuddle.. He said "Do you want to?" I said never mind I can tell you don't want to. He said it's just that I am comfortable. Geeze can't even get him to cuddle. I said "Sorry" he said why I said "For Asking. And left it at that. And prayed and went to sleep. It hurt though. I told you guys I wasn't going to act like I was in the mood at all and I didn't but when it seemed like it was a bother to even cuddle I felt very hurt and rejected again... Yes I do think that having a LD partner is hard on your self-esteem. Actually I have never felt this isecure sexually in my entire life as I do now. I think why it is harder with women is because society teaches us that all men want to ML so why doesn't the M in our life want to? We start thinking what is wrong with me why is it diffrent with my H. People tend to accept that women have a LowerD than do men. So it feels like a hard blow when our H doesn't have a HD. I am so tired of being at his mercy I can't stand it and am having a hard time not letting it get the best of me. I am having another problem too.. There's this guy at work and he pays a lot of attention to me and let's me know he finds me attractive. When his flirting started really picking up I backed off to let him know I was uncomfortable with it. Then there are other days where it is nice to know that someone finds me attractive. I am not one to cheat on my husband it goes against my belief system.. I guess what I am saying is that I am afraid I don't trust myself and one of these days I make take that attraction to another level I know I don't want to but damb I just want to be desired.. This is tough.. What gets me is a lot of people find me attractive.. Even my oldest son didn't mind taking me to the pool with him. He doesn't get embarassed by me (he's 12) and I commented about it and he said that his friends think I am hot and some of their dad's too.. So why doesn't my H want me?? Gosh I feel so confused and hurt.. I almost feel rejected on a daily basis.. This stuff is hard.. Thanks everyone for listening... ;-)
