Feeling a little down today. No particular reason, just not feeling full of beans. I often resort to reading on osho.com to rebalance myself, and the following struck a chord.
Death is, in fact, a process of renewal. And death also happens each moment, as life happens, because the renewal is needed each moment. The moment you breathe in and the moment you breathe out, both happen. Breathing in, life happens; breathing out, death happens. That’s why when a child is born the first thing he does is breathe in, then life starts. And when an old man is dying, the last thing he does is breathe out, then life departs. Breathing out is death, breathing in is life – and both are like two wheels of a bullock cart. You live by breathing in as much as you live by breathing out. The breathing out is part of breathing in. You cannot breathe in if you stop breathing out. You cannot live if you stop dying. The man who has understood what his life is allows death to happen; he welcomes it. He dies each moment and each moment he is resurrected.
Slowly, I have those days from time to time... I don't really like them, but they always pass. What can you do as a treat to yourself to pamper them away? Schedule a facial, massage, read an uplifting book?
I hope you don't stay here long.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
you asked on the "Friends" thread if your husband felt guilt (at a bet, yes, and a lot of it) and whether you should aquaint him of the fact that you, yourself, have let go of the old relationship and are looking to build a completely new one.
To that, I can only offer a qualified "yes". If that's not just a decision of your intellect that could change tomorrow (because internally you're still on the rollercoaster), but genuinely how you feel and have consistently felt for a while now, then do it. Like I said, just make sure it is genuine, because he'll pick up on it if it isn't. Animal instinct, especially of the guilty party. *smile*
On the other hand, realize that by doing so, you might lose your chance to really address those issues with him in the future, if you haven't already (sorry that I didn't have time to read your whole thread). If it were my H, and I'd told him I wanted to start completely fresh, then anything from the past would have to remain strictly in the past from now on to the end of time, or he'd think I hadn't been honest, and there'd be hell to pay.
Hi Pen - Boy, you are so right about that emotional roller coaster. I am absolutely going to give this 'intellectually derived' decision a couple of weeks before I seriously consider the big step of sharing it with NG.
At the moment, I am still alternating between optimism that we will be OK, and therefore the approach of a new begining is absolutely the right one; and oh-man-can-I-ever-trust-this-lyin'-rat despair. Thankfully the latter is far less frequent, I guess I just need to continue to process stuff
I'm so happy to have you and the rest to pull me up before I go too far down these blind alleys, though. Thanks for visiting, and your perspective is absolutely welcome. Slowly.
Sometimes I overthink, overanalyze and beat myself up about things. I do agree that by starting new, you might be losing that chance to talk about what happened, but so what. Where does that get us. I liken this experience to getting back the control of our lives that we all felt when we heard those words. Putting the past in the past really helped me alot, but it is a daily commitment. It has gotten easier, but when new situations occur, ie S doesn't call, S isn't home, it can be difficult to separate the new Sit from the old one.
What really helped me the other day when I was down, was taking a step back and counting my blessings for the many, many great things in my life.
Hi BnB - It is good to see you stop by, I know just how fraught things are at your end I'm still in a bit of a dip, and may not be the most cheerful visitor, but I will try to stop by.
I hope your mood picks up today. It is no fun when it is down. Mine is finally better so I am sending you some, watch for it to get there soon!!!!!!!!!
Have a wonderful weekend.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: Hey Maya - You know, we read the words, we write them, and still they are not real, are they?
Well Slowly, now you did it! Your post above has pulled me out of lurkdom, for your words had finally made it real for me!! ... and I've lost count of how many times I had passed on the concept to various others here too. Thank you for the remarkable clarity you have "penned" to this topic and this post is truly worth benchmarking!!!
Quote: Nevertheless, this is not the man I knew, not the man I chose to share my life, my joys and my sorrows with. I have spent the past 9 months trying to bring back that man, and so has NG. But he is no more. I need to mourn losing him, properly, and move on. My childhood sweetheart has grown up, into someone who in some ways is unrecognisable, and I need to accept this.
... and this is what really hit home for me. I have come to accept a long time ago that what my M had become pre-bomb is dead and to start anew ... But right up to this moment, I was still hoping in the new R I would begin to see more of the CAW I knew twenty years ago. I've been trying to win back who she once was! Your post opened my eyes ... that's just not gonna happen and hence is the source of much of my recent frustrations and disappointments. That CAW is no more! ... and there is no hope of her coming back!! I have to accept that and move on...
Quote: If the man is gone, then so is the relationship. He and I may have 20 years' worth of memories to reminisce about, but our feelings about ourselves, about each other, are different, almost beyond recognition. If the people are different, then surely their feelings cannot be the same? The relationship needs to be built. I say built not re-built, because the old is gone.
This certainly shows me a new direction. To better know who the new CAW is and to accept CAW for who she is now! ... in order to build a better R. Boy sometimes I can be dense! There was even evidence last week that CAW is coming across this discovery too. I'm still end up suprising her by not fitting into what she perceives of me. She is still expecting the "old" KAW to reinstate himself.
Now to accept who she is now! ... Wow ... that's gonna be hard. She is so different. It's even a bit scary, for to be honest, the "new" CAW is much less appealing to me than the one I was so hoping to win back.
... but enough space here on me. I guess I'll now need to create a new thread to cover this some more ...
Slowly, you've continue to make remarkable progress towards drawing each other closer and in growing on a personal level. I applaud how quick a study you have become thru out all of this and are proving how "slowly" is the quickest way to win the "race".
OK ... now to catch up on the rest of the thread, but I had to interject after reading this particular post to say, Thank You ...
Hi KAW - Oh, its so good to have you visit I know a return to these boards does not necessarily mean good news in terms of your sitch, and I'm sorry about that. But for me personally, the moral support of known friends is so comforting.
I have some more updates on things I have been trying to process, and having just dropped NG off at the airport, I'm looking forward to a few days of unfettered introspection
Betsey 
Your post above has pulled me out of lurkdom, for your words had finally made it real for me!! ... and I've lost count of how many times I had passed on the concept to various others here too. 
There was even evidence last week that CAW is coming across this discovery too. I'm still end up suprising her by not fitting into what she perceives of me. She is still expecting the "old" KAW to reinstate himself.
Slowly