I just read your last post and WOW, those were wonderful words. I think Im definately going to have to save that one!! It so true..if I could just walk away for one day and come back and start over and not have all these bad memories it would be absolutely wonderful!!
Hi Betsey - It sure took me a long time to figure out that I was trying to fix the wrong problem Yes, I do hope 40 will bring on better times.
I continue to be amazed at how liberating writing/posting the emotional process can be - it was like making a commitment to myself - far more compelling than the usual musings. Some residual bitterness is to be expected I suppose, after all, I did get hit while minding my own business. But just now, for example, we drove past one of the hotels that was site of NG's and OW's afternoon liaisons, and the usual rolling pain was quite absent. What a relief!
I have about an hour to check up on friends here, then back to the salt mine. Slowly.
Hi Randy - I am very conscious that my situation had a BIG positive, NG had no intention of leaving me. It really was all the other stuff, like the deception, evasions and broken promises that I needed to come to terms with. And even then, letting go a set of feelings that have been around for 20+ years is difficult.
Just looked up my cainer cast for this week, kinda appropriate, I think
Have you ever tried running up an escalator that is rolling relentlessly downwards? Or wading through deep, squelching mud in a pair of loose boots? Some forces are just too great to resist. For a while we can hold out against them but eventually, they get the better of us. Life for you lately has been a constant struggle. You must have felt, at times, rather like a participant in one of those crazy comedy outdoor games where contestants have to run up a slippery slide, whilst being pulled on by a bunjee cord tied to their backs. This week, Venus changes direction. And your path to progress gets a whole lot easier.
Why did he take up with OW? He says because he saw something in her softness that was appealing. But that he always intended it to be a narrow relationship. That he made it clear from the negining that he and I will always be together
What made him decide to be with me? After a while, OW's indecisions, chatter, lack of focus, (all the things he had previously labelled as 'softness') got to him. BUT, he is still in contact with her to make sure the ending does not 'damage' her.
To be honest, the first question is now not relevant to me. I'm convinced it is something he will have to look at when he is ready, and that may take a few years
The one about what he likes in me, well, the boy is in for some surprises, because I am changing me. Let's see if he still likes the evolving model
Hi Maya - It took me a long time to be able to articulate the confusing paradox of starting a new relationship with somene who mostly is an old partner I am absolutely certain there will be adjustments to the approach I've charted out for myself, and no doubt I'll come crying here again and again. But for now, I feel like my life is in my hands, which I think is ultimately what all of us are striving for.
I'm thinking the first question you posed isn't relevant to me either, and in fact, is such a painful question to ask and find the answer to, maybe its better that we try not to ask that question at all. I used to ask the question why, but ya know, it was always the same answer, because there was something missing and needed to fill that void, whatever the void maybe.
The second question, well, I am glad at least you have some sort of answer to that. Although things are going slowly, and there's still contact, it sounds as if things are headed in the right direction for you.
btw, I don't know if you ended up downloading yahoo IM, but if ever want to chat, my screen name is triplej884.
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
You have the benefit of going into it this time with eyes wide open. I already have a list of requests for my W, that will let me know she is into making our R work(if she decides to stay). They are things that I want to help her with and see if she is committed to: counseling, time set aside for each other every week, etc...
I know this is presumptive, but I'm in a much better place now, and I'm not inviting misery back into my life. First off, after reading the library of books that were recommended, I'm now informed enough to be an incredible husband and friend. However, my W is still going through an early MLC with turning 30, and although there are some very positive signs, she still puts my importance in her life behind her family and friends. I know deep down this is a result of shutting down as a WAW, but I'm not sure that I ever ranked high on the list.
That being said, I really, really like your take on starting over, and thinking about it as a brand new relationship. If you can stick with that approach I think you'll do fine. I know that that's sort of how I've been dealing with things, and it prevents alot of what happened in the past from ruining the present.
The day I forgave my W for the A, was one of the best days of my life. Since then (8 weeks), I've never thown it in her face, gotten angry about or even thought about it much.
Forgiveness is right up there with love; both are incredible gifts that we don't tend to give out often enough.
Hi Triple J - A kindred spirit - yes, the why seems to gnaw at us, and yet it is probably the one they least want to answer
Well, I finally downloaded yahoo messenger, I managed to get the same id - dbingslowly - just sent you a request to add to address book, so we're all set. Now, if only we can fix the time difference problem
Hi Yaz - It is terrific to have your perspective on this. I've decided to move on to a new relationship, and I think at some level, I'm really avoiding the whole forgiveness thing, it just seems too hard right now. The enormity of the betrayal still pierces when I think about it. Best not to think about it at all.
I suspect at some time I'll have to take it out of the box, but hopefully by then other more positive memories would be there to prop us up. At least, thet's the rationale.
Yes, I do hope 40 will bring on better times. 
