My wife has oscilated between LD and ND for about 15 years and I have experienced everything from rage to seathing anger under the surface to feeling betrayed to hopelessness to just numbness. Right now I am feeling hopelessness mixed with anger. We have talked D off and on over the past year, are seeing a counselor, but I have lost hope this situation will ever be corrected.
I am the HD in our relationship, and have discovered that if I make no invitations to ML, it don't happen. When I do, the attitude I usually get is mercy S instead of W wanting to be there. This is purely toxic to our relationship and to my love for her. It has added significant fuel to my struggle to love and not hate her.
About 8 years ago I went outside of the relationship to find intimacy and had mixed results. (2 sepearte occasions, only one encounter each). Both of the individuals were VERY happy to be there with me, but I felt at the time I had done something HORRIBLE! (I couldn't sleep afterward as I contemplated I just adulterated), but found myself almost blown away with the contrast of what I found: these women WANT to be with me whereas my W wants to NOT be with me, both before and after this event which she knows about.
In the midst of this struggle with my W, I have attempted to simply shut off my own libido, give my W what she wants, and simply stop all sexual activity. The last time I attempted this I went for 2.5 weeks (not long) but felt as though someone in my family had died. My relationship with my W became completely sister/brother in nature, and I felt more alone and totally empty than I have ever felt in my life. What I couldn't understand was if I am making the sacrifice my W wants, why do I feel this horrible feeling? Obviously, this is not a workable solution for me.
I come from a family that never talked about ML ever, and W did the same. We both live in a fairly strict religious community and have most of our lives, and ML is not something celebrated. In fact, I have felt that culturally, ML is actually seen as something that is not necessary, but if "you must, you should at least keep it inside of a marriage." I reject ALL of this now as a hunk of hud! but it don't make me feel any better since the marriage is still SS and has been for over 14 years.
Out of desperation, I followed a link on Sex Starved Marriage and found this posting site. I've read the first chapter of Michele's book posted here and immediately ordered it. I was BLOWN AWAY with how every single thing in that first chapter jumped off the page and HIT ME BETWEEN THE EYES! Then I found this area and have spend two days reading. I have to say, I am still having trouble getting my jaw off the ground since it dropped two days ago. Two things have just shocked me: 1st, there are actually people here who talk about wanting sex many times a week, and they seem so intelligent and articulate, even sensitive with how they are addressing this topic. In fact, they are actually addressing this topic (something with which I am VERY unfamiliar); 2nd, there are women posting here who actually enjoy and want frequency/quality intimate relationships with their spouses in marriage. This is a foreign idea to me and has been through my upbringing, marriage, and whole life.
Here is my request:
I do not have a good relationship or connection with my spouse. I don't think she loves me, and if she does, it is only a sanitized don't get your hands dirty with something like sex type of relationship. There is a whole aspect of connection with her that is missing, and I am feeling myself sliding into a place where I can not longer contain my anger. I had an encounter years ago that hurt like hell because of the moral issues I struggle with, but there was intimacy that was NOT mercy sex. I am hungry for a relationship with someone who reciprocates and is willing to be loved and love me and both mine and her terms. This site seems dedicated to marriage and not divorce in hopes of finding a better marriage. I could use some encouragement about trying to hold this together because as I see it now, I only have three options: 1. Go into sister/brother for the duration and just feel the pain 2. Have an affair and live completely outside of my morals 3. Divorce, despite what it would do to my sons, and try to find happiness/love somewhere where the well ain't dry.
Welcome to the club. Our stories are so similar that it's scary. The only difference is that my OW was before my M. Same discovery of TSSM, and same response to it. Obviously, since my sitch is the same as yours, I don't have any answers for you. I can commiserate though. Hang in there buddy, there's bound to be some acceptable solution for us somewhere.
Nice to have you here(Sorry) Currently in a sister/brother emotionally detached relationship, within a 23 year SSM, I share your pain.
I was pleased to find the antidepressant; Celexa, taken for seasonal affective disorder has dampened my libido, to the point where I have decided to remain celibate. I have given up on ever having a intimate, sex life with my wife, opting to give up all the anger and frustration that goes along with this lack of intimacy and sex, for a more tolerable celibate relationship. I've taken some heat for this, with others that post here, but it is working with me. You too, will find your "happy medium".
Thank you so much for the reply. I am SO grateful to have found this site. I will be posting more in the future. I have a question for both of you gentlemen which I hope you can be honest with me about. Have you used masturbation to deal with this SSM, or have you abandoned that as well? Can a person have a celebate relationship, masturbate, and still have a civil relationship with the W? Do you just take steps like antidepressants to nix the libido? That, at this point, sounds like a workable possibility.
I think you know the answer to this.In a SSM, MB is one of the tools that helps keep a spouse faithful. After you get over the guilty feeling, it is a way to cope. "Rosey palms" never says "NO", is too tired, mad, upset at you, etc.etc.etc. Too bad spouses don't care about this need. Thinking she has me well trained (to go without), she might be surprised to find herself all alone someday. What a shame, because it wouldn't be too difficult to work out a compromise solution.
Yes, the combination of MB + celibacy "works," if you want to call it that. While I'm not truly happy, I am nevertheless MUCH less frustrated on a day-to-day basis than I used to be when I was actually thinking/hoping that ML might happen on any given day. It has made my life easier to simply rule it out, love my wife for the otherwise wonderful mother and woman that she is, and spend my time and attention on my own interests and on being a good friend to her and father to my kids.
For this, I too have been called "defeatist." But while I know it's not THE answer, it is AN answer, and it helps me get thru the day.
This is exceptionally hard for me. I can't even put it into words. It is not hard for my H at all. In fact, one of the recent discussions we've had included a part where I disclosed to him just HOW hard it was for me to refrain. He was surprised, as it doesn't cross his mind.
100% of my sexual energies are directed at him. This is SO beneficial to us at times..it really strengthens the bond I feel for him. Other times, though, it can make me one bitter woman!
Quote: I am nevertheless MUCH less frustrated on a day-to-day basis than I used to be when I was actually thinking/hoping that ML might happen on any given day. It has made my life easier to simply rule it out, love my wife for the otherwise wonderful mother and woman that she is, and spend my time and attention on my own interests and on being a good friend to her and father to my kids.
This is where I am now, also, doing exactly the same things and not expecting to ML at all. Like CelibateDad, the med I'm on, Lexapro[ a form of Celexa], has completely killed my libido, so it makes it easier to not care so much. I, too, am focussing on hobbies and in being a good mom to my sons and companion to my husband.
Some may think it's a cop-out, but I do love my hubby so I look at it as a coping mechanism, not a cop-out.
Wildebube, I just read the HUGH! thread you posted on the forum and all of the responses sent to you. I am blown away again. You are MUCH!!!!!!!!!! MORE patient than am I, but perhaps I can learn as well. My situation is not nearly as difficult as is yours, but with the way I feel from my own personal situation, if the tide was turned, I would have divorced W MANY years ago. I would find myself with a religious struggle that would actually probably push me in the D direction. I believe that MB is wrong as well, but I also believe it is wronge for a W to refuse and withhold. (Actually, I believe spouse refusing is MORE destructive in the long run than adultry is.) Since I personally believe that families should and can exist after death (don't anyone freek out over this, it is a personal beliefe I hold to and cherish), then it is necessary that there be a certain amount of harmony and effection in this life. If I am going to spend the next 30 years in a dark place because my W withholds, well, I don't have much of a marriage anyway.
We have gone to a sex therapist who I think is quite good. She is very gentle with my W but continues to pin her down over and over again and is trying to get her thinking through some of the strange elusive blocks. This therapist asked us the question, "What is the difference between a close friendship and a marriage?" We ho hawed around this for a while, and she finally answered for us--SEX. Sex is the difference. There is nothing in a marriage that you can not have outside of it except sex (provided you take the strict moral view of marriage and abstinance outside of it which I do). So, to be frank with reality, if my wife doesn't want sex, then she is sending a clear message to me that she doesn't want marriage either since that is the key factor.
I struggle with this and it is what causes anger and pain. Do you want to be married to me W? Well, then you have a responsibility to be IN the marriage.
I am getting kindof preachy here, but I am challenging all of my moral upbringing beliefs. I am not happy in the relationship the way it is and something has to change. I already know I can't change her, so its got to be me.
It is a reflection of how low I feel to even consider starting up an adulterous relationship, but I am considering it. I think that a combination of MB and an antidepressant to kill libido might be a solution to take the edge off of the hurt and anger I am feeling. The sad thing is if I find myself MB, it ain't my wife I'm having sex with in my mind. When I think of her, there is so much sorrow and resentment, it kills whatever erection I could have had.
