Well, seems that JJ locked my thread too. It is just as well as the old one Burned out on trying does not reflect my present attitude.
It seems that when I started the last thread I had really given up all hope. However, I remained plesant and friendly but did not show signs of any hope for our future when we were together and I made plans to find someone else and move on.
Seems that C is rethinking her position and is pursuing me a little. She is still not ready to say she wants back but she seems really eager to be with me. She seems to really be confused by her feelings tho. she knows that she is pushing me away then pulling me in then pushing away again and she says that that is confusing her too.
I am encouraged by the general direction of it all tho and feel that there is hope if you'll just smile. My new thread is lifted out of a song I heard on the way to Destin last weekend called Smile (by Nat King Cole)
C and I got together tonight after work to look at my new home and get some hot wings, then to my apartment til 10:30. I had a really great time ended up with lots of good hugging and kissing. She said that it has been a long time since she had done that. Said she really missed me. said she really wanted to stay but felt that she needed to go home for now. I told her that when we first met that I did not pressure her to do anything she did not feel ready to do and said that I would not pressure her now and that I felt that she was worth waiting for. She DID SAY ILY and then after saying that she said "I am not just saying that, I mean it"
She told me that her SIS and BIL were doing much better and even had gone away for the weekend together and she seemed reallly supprised that I was very happy for them and even more supprised when I told her that I had been praying for them to do better.
She also commented on the fact that I had been working out and she could feel that I had toned up alot in my back, arms, chest and generally all over. She even suggested that we might even start working out again together a few mornings a week.
One other thing - C went to see her CPA this morning and after that she dropped by my D's office to say HI. Seems that she is wanting to maintain (or re-establish) contact with my side of the family. She could have easily have just not gone by D's.
I am encouraged but I will remember - SLOOOOWLY, let her move on her own schedule. Keep praying - both to give thanks, and to ask His continued help. Keep boosting her ego and just plain caring.
When my husband first started babystepping his way back to me, I sensed that confusion too.
But I felt like it was to my advantage! His wanting to spend time with me...and having to ask for it did more for my situation than my asking him!! It forced him to realize that he wanted to spend time with me!
Did I remind you that I have anyways been telling you this is going to happen~ "I TOLD YOU SO"
Yes do take it slowly, so you don't send her running. I do believe when my H was trying to reconnect, that I should of kept back. No wonder he ran back in the tunnel! So take it slowly, whatever you have been doing is working!
I for one, am NOT surprised she is making her way back to you! WOO HOO!
I apologize for not getting back to all of you sooner on how reconnection occurs. I am going to provide you w/the last informational tool that is my toolbox and once you have this description, you will have all of the tools necessary to either stand for your marriages or move on w/o your spouses. I obtained all of this information from various depression books, websites, along w/talking to others that have walked through the hot embers of h@ll and managed to save their marriages by trial and error.
True reconnection will not begin to take place until the near the end of withdrawal--going into acceptance. The spouse in crisis will begin to disassociate himself/herself w/the replay antics, i.e., new friends, drinking, etc. They will begin to dress and act like the people you once knew. They will begin to smile a bit and look you in the eyes as well. This will not occur all at once--it's very gradual. He/she will begin to gradually take an interest in their surroundings. They will start to make real contact w/co-workers, old friends (prior to mlc) and begin to take up the hobbies that they once loved. The contact w/their respective parents and family will be noticeable first. Contact w/them will become more frequent and slowly they will begin to take more interest in their children. Their interest in the pets will begin again. As they start to move deeper into the reconnection, they will then begin to take notice of their former homes and you, the spouse will be the last. I have never understood it, but we are the first in the disconnection an the last for reconnection. The mlcer may find excuses to come to your home or meet w/you to discuss trivial issues. Generally they come around to see where your head and heart are at regarding them. They may even sit down w/you and toss out feelers about some of the things that they have done just to test your reactions. They may even ask you if you have someone new your life. Whatever they ask you, please be honest w/them, but in a very calm way. This is the most frustrating step in the crisis. This is where many of us will and have screwed up. At this step, you are the one that will either make the marriage or toss it aside. This is the time where your mlcer will be testing you to the max to see if you are going to accept him/her for who they are and for what they've done. Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e, in making a decision as to returing home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins. There will be many times when something breaks or doesn't go right, and they will feel guilty and suggest that they move back out. If you love this person and want them back by your side, do not encourage them to leave again. You will need to reassure them, just as you would a hurt child. I know, it's insane, but this is what you must do.
The board has one very smart and wise lady who is going through the reconnection process w/her xh and she is Never Give Up (NGU). I can't say enough about how she has handled her situation. She has done a wonderful job and she is an inspiration to all of us. I suggest you pull up her name and check out some of her postings. She has the patience of a saint. There are two other wonderful women who went through some tough times and did all of the right things and brought their spouses back home and they are DebM and JeanS. All three ladies deserve the very best.
There have also been questions about the connecting of your spouses during the anger, replay, depression and early withdrawal stages. Please understand that during the stages that I just mentioned, your spouses are going to do touch and gos w/you because they are afraid and very much insecure in letting go of their "old" way of life, i.e., security blanket. M Go Blue or BethM described it as a child in a room that comes running back to ensure that their mother is close by. This is what your spouse is doing. It's not reconnection. In fact, you spouse may even be so confused as to wanting to return home and try again. If he/she does this , and they have not completed the entire crisis, I can almost guarantee that they will run again somewhere within a 2 year time frame. They will not come out of the confusion and irrational behavior until they have gone entirely through all six stages of mlc that were described by Hearts Blessing. When they leave the second time, the heartache is twice as hard to bear because you thought everything was okay and the crisis was over. Please do not drop your guard if they return home while still experiencing the crisis. No matter what, you must continue on w/your lives.
As you, the spouse, continue on w/your life, you will begin to notice the difference between touch and gos and the actual reconnection phase. Just remember, the touch and gos are still replay in progress and he will be still dressing, spending money, not having much contact w/the family, home, etc. When the true reconnection begins, interest in all things will begin, eye contact will be more frequent and they will begin to smile a bit. I hope that BethM will drop by and share w/all of you what she posted over on Vinlad's thread about her knowledge of reconnection. Her explanation was quite good.
You have the best mentor of all in your court and that is M Go Blue. Listen to what he tells you, for he gives excellent advice. There were two things that he instilled in my stubborn brain long ago and they are let it go and drop the rope. I hope that at some point in your journey you will be able to let it go and drop the rope. Once you have determined that you don't have control over anyone but yourself, you'll come to realize that the positives are all there for you. There is one thing that I ask of all of you. While you are on this journey, please do not forget your children. They are hurting and confused as well. Even though you think you are doing a good job of hiding your feelings, they can sense the stress you are under. They are caught in the middle and do not know what to do to make the situation better. My wish is that someone will create a forum for the children to come to if they wish to talk. We adults can take care of ourselves, but the children can't. They are the most important people in all of this mess and they need our help in ovecoming this trauma so that they can get on w/their lives and not be stunted as they grow emotionally, physically and mentally.
I wish all of you the very best and hope that some day soon all of you will find the happiness that you so richly deserve.
Deb - thanks - I printed that out but so far have only had time to read the first paragraph. but that paragraph discribes C to a T. will read the rest as soon as I can -
Incidently, I have already gotten a short IM from C this morning. I remain very plesant and let her initiate.
a little more from last night - one of the things she also said was "thank-you for not hating me"
Also she stated that she had put on a few more pounds and that she felt that she had to force herself to get up early and go to the gym. (she knows that getting up early and going to the gym was my schedule) I told her that I needed to get back into that schedule as well and that even tho I still am going at night with the trainer I have slipped up on going in the mornings. She said that maybe we would be working out together again then.
there was a lot of other positives but it all happened kinda quickly and I was not taking notes - as I remember more I will post them.
Dear OGDA, I just caught up on your last few entries. It seems I have caught you at a time where there are some new hopeful signs. What is working at this time OGDA that seems to be encouraging C to pursue you?
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
