Quote: The Wicked Witch has left an indelible mark on him.
Maybe the real issue is not what the wicked witch did to him, but why he let her do it. If he can become more confident that he'll never let a woman do that to him again, then he won't have to worry about you doing it to him too.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I was going to try and find something for you, because I was curious to see if the other wives had similar stories to yours...but my I think D4 has swimmers ear so we are off to the doctors...
Let me know if you find anything; I'd like to know what they have to say!
Quote: The Wicked Witch has left an indelible mark on him.
Maybe the real issue is not what the wicked witch did to him, but why he let her do it. If he can become more confident that he'll never let a woman do that to him again, then he won't have to worry about you doing it to him too.
You could be absolutely right, MM. He was very young when he got married at 19 [not long after we were split up] and had a son at 20, while in the military. The Ex kept son in bed with her so hubby wouldn't come to her. And later she flat out kept the son away, period.
Hubby has told me that he did give in on most everything during the marriage and divorce, so the child would not be caught in the middle. Now, decades later, he has no relationship with his son and both he & the son hate the Ex/Mother. Lovely.
I do know that his first marriage colored all his subsequent romantic relationships, including the sex aspect of ours. The therapist said that as long as he allows the Ex to control his thoughts she's always there in the bedroom with us. He knows that and agrees.
I'd thought that what we once had and what was again ours would 'heal' him. Stupid to think that way, I know.
Quote: The therapist said that as long as he allows the Ex to control his thoughts she's always there in the bedroom with us. He knows that and agrees.
So the problem is that he is still emotionally-fused to the witch. It happens. My MIL is still very emotionally-fused to my FIL even though they've been divorced for 16 years and she's been in a relationship with a wonderful,caring guy for 10 years. If I had the nerve to approach her about it, I would suggest that she read Passionate Marriage to learn about emotional-fusion and how to get over it. Maybe you should insist that your H read the book. It sounds like he needs it more than you.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: So the problem is that he is still emotionally-fused to the witch. It happens. My MIL is still very emotionally-fused to my FIL even though they've been divorced for 16 years and she's been in a relationship with a wonderful,caring guy for 10 years. If I had the nerve to approach her about it, I would suggest that she read Passionate Marriage to learn about emotional-fusion and how to get over it. Maybe you should insist that your H read the book. It sounds like he needs it more than you.
I have the book and maybe *I* should re-read the part on emotional fusion. He's been divorced from her for about 20yrs and every romantic relationship up to now has ended in disaster. Our's won't end up that way because I knew him before that woman had gotten her witch's hooks into him. He really is a good man, but the Ex went above and beyond when it came to mind games.
When I met him again, he had no self-confidence, no self-esteem or self-worth. Now, he takes pride in what he does, takes better care of himself, laughs more and is more laid back.
Quote: I'm certain you are kidding when you say stuff like this.
I'm not kidding, but I didn't state what I meant clearly. If your spouse is telling you that there is a specific reason why they have LD and you see that they are doing nothing to remedy that problem then it is just the same as not showing up in bed. For instance, if your W tells you that he LD is due to poor body image and you believe her when she says this, but then she makes no effort to work on her appearance or see a counselor to feel better about herself, this is in some way the same as saying she is going to make an effort to initiate but not following through. On the other hand, if you were to tell your wife that in your opinion her LD was due to poor body image and insist that she do something about it that would be very counter-productive. Does this make sense or do you still think I'm wrong-minded?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
No,MM, you're not wrong-minded. You're right on the money. If his W acknowledges the problem, identifies a source of the problem, and still refuses to do anything about it, that's just plain not trying.
Quote: If his W acknowledges the problem, identifies a source of the problem, and still refuses to do anything about it, that's just plain not trying.
Unfortunately, this is the situation with H. He knows what the problem is, but he's more comfortable doing nothing about it.
I have gained weight over the past 2 yrs, some of it due to the meds I'm on, some of it just because I lost interest. But I know the weight isn't an issue because 2 yrs ago I was much thinner, looked really hot (if I do say so myself) and it didn't make one bit of difference after the first couple of weeks. However, unlike H, I am working on my problem ( attaining a healthy goal weight.)
Sometimes I have to wonder if actually working on his problem represents too much work and that it's easier just to not think about it. (i.e. "If I don't think about it, it will go away.")
He knows what the problem is, but he's more comfortable doing nothing about it.