Hello, all - welcome to my new board home, and congrats on finding your way here! I am going to start sharing my struggles again, because I feel the need for accountability in my dbing efforsts (since I have made the decision to actively DB again, and to retire from the fine art of Husband Busting!)
Here's the update - some really big OW disclosures (it's been about a month since those), we start counseling tomorrow at 9am, and the biggest news, H and I are expecting a new little one sometime in February. He is wholeheartedly supportive of me having this baby, and really wants it, regardless of what our status is.
I don't know what my long-term goal is, except to find a peaceful way to relate to my H, whether we D or don't D. To that end, I am in IC (individual counseling) working hard on my anger issues. I am learning that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting the offense, becoming trusting again, or forgetting about it - initially it just means giving up anger, and it heals.
I don't trust my H right now, and he doesn't deserve my pardon - yet. I am willing to give him a place in my life - what place I don't yet know.
My goals right now? 1) Take care of me - eating enough each day and working on trying to find a good program of exercise to keep me energetic. 2) Get plenty of rest. Bedtime is 11pm at the latest, now. 3) Do small, enjoyable things as often as I can - it's what makes for a happy life, even though circumstances seem to be unhappy. 4) Leave my H alone between visits, and be pleasant and upbeat during them. I am really working on not attacking him - I have a lot of angry feelings to work through and learn how t deal with, and I am slowly processing those. It will take time.
Drop me a line, all - I missed you guys! Hugs, Myrrh 3)
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Well, I don't know the status of the little one - it's really early, and last night I noticed some spotting, so we'll see. I let H know last night, and he offered to come over, but I said I would be okay - and I was. I wrote in my journal and worked on my self-esteem exercises.
I really want this little one, but I have had some problems in the past with miscarriages, so we'll see. It hurts to think about not getting to hold this little person someday, but I am trying to be accepting.
H and I were supposed to have a counseling appointment this morning, but after we found the place he told me "can we reschedule and just go home and talk?" I was kind of upset about that at first (crappy, stressful morning anyway), but I agreed. The session is now on Thursday at 9am. We actually just went home, talked for a very little bit, cuddled for a while, and dozed off. I got up and went to work. It was nice to cuddle.
I sent him a message to let him know that I wasn't sure what to do medically except keep my appt next week, unless I have serious pain, more bleeding, or etc, and we messaged for a little bit - he said he slept for a long time, so he was behind at work. I said "why don't we reschedule this week's visits to Wed evening and Thurs?" (BIG 180 for me, as usually I would jump his case about not being there on a scheduled day). He said "well, our counseling appt is on Thurs, so maybe that would work better."
Now, when I have made offers like this in the past, I have gotten all pissy when he took them, but I honestly am just trying to be flexible this time. Plus I am very tired tonight, so I need a quiet evening anyway - it still takes a certain amount of energy to hang out with H.
He and I had a good weekend - he called us Sunday at noon (crazy - he usually isn't up until way after that). He hung out with S(almost)2 and played PS2, cars, and lots of other dad stuff. We ordered in Chinese for dinner, and I had rented movies - Matrix Revolutions, Cold Creek Manor, and The Anarchist Cookbook (the first two were good, the last was WAY too long). We ended up staying up really late watching movies, and he slept with me until he went back to the shop at about 10:30am. It was a really quiet, happy visit.
I am going to try and rest tonight as much as possible. I know there is nothing I can do to stop something going wrong at this point (I mean the pregnancy here), but I could really use the rest.
As far as the rest of the Myrrh-lo story goes, I am still working on counseling for my anger and self-esteem issues, and the number of episodes I have is really decreasing as well as the intensity in some cases. The more I care about and love myself, the less angry I feel usually. Working on my self-esteem also helps me feel less dependent on H.
He talked about us taking his sports car (yes, the one that caused so many problems - btw, he paid it off by selling his partner's old Riviera for him - I was proud) to Arkansas to visit his parents in the next month or so - he does want me to come.
I am going to do my best to make my life quiet and peaceful and full of love. That's my goal for this coming year. The Year of Peace - I can give that to myself, I think.
Love to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Thanks, you two - I spent my evening relaxing - the bleeding has completely stopped, so I really don't know what is going on right now. I hope things are okay. I am at a point in my life where I would really like to have another little one - things are stabilizing (for me, at least) and I am getting into the rhythm of being a mom and keeping house and all that.
Life is pretty quiet for me right now, and I think I am starting to understand that peace in my life is a gift I can give myself. It doesn't necessarily have to be based on what is happening in my life, or who is there or not there, close or not close.
If I don't go looking for trouble, I really think less of it will find me. That's what I hope, anyway. Good night, all. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
