My husband has been sleeping in the guest room for about 2 months now. Well, not every night...about 10 nights he has slept with me. He said he needed space and wasnt sure about us...well, we havent had a real R talk since then. I want to know how things are, and what he is feeling or what he needs, but am unsure if I should initiate anything right now or wait for him to? He's not the best communicator...before I got emails about how he was feeling. I just feel like I am in limbo...we have good days and bad days. But there is no intimacy or touching at all. Sometimes I just want to give him a big hug or just a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes when he looks down, I want to give him a big hug...but Im afraid. Things dont seem as bad as they did 2 months ago, but they still arent where I want them to be. Plus, I am so sad....I miss us and him. I kind of think sometimes he's depressed, but dont know what to do about it. I know money really stresses him out and he just got out of the hospital 3 weeks ago and we didnt have any insurance...and bills keep piling in. When we had the talk 2 months ago, he said that he wasnt happy, and then decided it was the marriage. But I just wonder if its just his life thats making him not happy. I mean we get along great, we have a good time together and he said it wasnt me. So how could it be the marriage? Sorry Im just rambling...I just have so much on my mind and it looks like this is the place to lay it all out...anyways, thanks for listening
Hi L2, You did the right thing by come here to air it out rather than go to H about all this. I'm afraid for the time being you're going to hafta put those questions on a back burner for now. The reason ... he asking himself those very question now too and quite frankly he just is sure he has the answer right now! So by asking, he becomes pressured to feel that he needs to come with those answers now and if he's forced to come up with answers right now they are going to come from his current negative emotions.
That's why its sooo important to focus your energies on yourself for now, stay upbeat, cheerful, make yourself happy, so you can be a positive influence on your H's life. You say there are good days and bad days. Yes we all have them, but Right now he's thinking the shift in your M & his life has been towards bad ones. Its important that they preceive that the good days outnumber those bad ones. So focus on making yourself a more positive person, but asking yourself at the start of each day, "What can I do to make today better than yesterday?"
L2, all your emotions, fears, feelings you have expressed here are the normal flood that comes at the onset of this process. Its only been two months and measured against the years that has lead up to this point, its a very short period of time, but take comfort that in those two months you have already seen progress towards a more positive shift. Its like hiking up a mountain. You both are taking a journey of self discovery that is not unlike seeking a Buddha priest sitting on the summit of a mountain that is within you. The trail at the bottom starts up the slope. As you're walking, you know you're going up, but that doesn't mean you are anywhere near the summit, but you do know your going up and if you continue going up eventually, you'll get there. Its just a matter of time, so it helps alot to develop patience. Around here, you're gonna to hear that all the time, but that is because there is no other way around it. If you want to get to the top, you're gonna have to take the time it takes to get there ... and here's the kicker! ... its not gonna happen at your pace, but at your H's. He's looking for answers, but doesn't know what direction to take, so he is gonna end up taking a meandering path around the mountain ... sometimes not knowing which way it up or down ... he's gonna appear lost. Unfortunately tho, he is gonna have to find his own way (especially with men as we all know they won't ever ask for directions). So there will be times where its gonna feel like your in limbo waiting on him, but all you can do is sit on a rock and wait. Find things to do for yourself to keep you enjoying your time as you wait. When he catches up, keep working on those good times together, until he starts lagging behind again and then you sit and wait again.
L2, you don't want to burden your H in feeling he has to keep up with you, so there will be plenty times where you will need to let go and let him lag behind. Give him his space. No pressure. No pursuit ... but that does mean you have to stop being his friend. Be supportive of his progress. Be supportive that he can do it at his own pace. Encourage him that you are OK in waiting, because you have faith that he will get there in his own way. So with that in mind, its alright to try to show your support with friendly hugs and encouraging kisses on the cheek. Hold his hand to let him know you're there for him when he wants it. A backrub to ease away the tensions of the day's hike up the mountain. Watch closely and monitor when these things help draw him closer. If they do, keep doing them. If not, then back off and respect his space.
There are no elevators, escalators, any other easy ways to reach the top. It has to be traveled by foot in your mind, with sweat, tears, heart and soul, but from what I read from your post, I feel you both will get there in time.
. So there will be times where its gonna feel like your in limbo waiting on him, but all you can do is sit on a rock and wait. Find things to do for yourself to keep you enjoying your time as you wait. When he catches up, keep working on those good times together, until he starts lagging behind again and then you sit and wait again.