Ohhh KK you're so nice, I'm so happy you stopped by.
I know my sitch is kind of hard to watch/read about isn't it? Imagine how I feel, I'm one of the characters and I know my role well!!
I feel so darn good today, my PMA is back up. I think I was suffering from PMS-mania the last few days.
I slept well last night, stayed up late. I felt like a kid who's parents were out of town and I could stay up as late as I wanted to!
H returned my call on his way to work this morning. Asked me what I wanted...said I wanted to know if you were coming home last night.
H told me about his day, like it's normal or like everyone's days are like his. He was rained out, done at noon. Had to go get estimates for his truck, it was damaged at his job on Monday. H said didn't I tell you about it? I said no. H then stopped at his bar..noonish and drank till sixish (asked me if it was there on my drive home from work--I go right by there, I said no I went the other way figured it would be backed up due to construction) and went to OW's. I asked him "why?" and he said "I've been going back and forth for the last year and half except it was more last year" well duhhh he was living with OW! Until one of you gets sick of it. I said aren't you getting sick of it and H said "yes!" Obviously he hasn't had enough. Said he was drinking Tuesday night, too.!
I said I was standing for this marriage. H said what marriage went into the usual. Then asked if I needed him to change a lightbult or something, thinks I only want him around to do things for me. I said I don't need you to change a light bulb, I can do that myself, I can hire someone if I have to, I don't need you to change lightbulbs.
Talked a little more then he said he had to go. Calls back a few minutes later wants me to get some information from his paystubs, his rate is wrong. So I gave him the info.
I take S to sitter. I'm on my way to work. H calls again, wants to talk to S. I said well he's at N's, you can call him there. Asked him if he was working, it's raining! I said to him, well I'm on my way tto work, I hope you have a good day, smile and be happy."
Am I nuts or what this guy doesn't know what he has does he? or what he COULD have. Okay I popped my own balloon, have to get work.
My niece's graduation is tonight. H is picking up S. After graduation there's a dinner at a local restaurant. H asked me "when I was going to be home, too!!" WHAT THE! He is just something else. Of course, I just act like everything is normal, but I'm thinking I should maybe be a little later, stop and have a drink somewhere by myself. Just to be able to say I did it...who knows.
I don't think there's anything I can say anymore that's going to get through to him, make a difference. I'll just have to wait on the curb. Definitely marguarita tonight! Cathy
Cathy - I think there was something in the air yesterday - I was down too (really without reason) and I noticed several others on the board say that they had bad days.
Keep smiling through the bad days and look forward to the better ones.
The third time he called me this morning, he sounded pretty down.
Wish I could help him, but H is a teenager(in an adult body) right now and is going to have to learn the hardway. I can be kind, I can be supportive, but there's nothing I can do to stop what's happening or going to happen. I have to let him go down.
The other night I was hoping his bottoming out isn't going revolve around something that might happen to our S. I know, I know dreadful thinking, but it did come to mind. Ya know he's been drinking all day, at OW's..something happens to our S and I can't get ahold of him.
You are reminding me of myself. You are fluctuating as much as he is. I know, I do the same exact thing and the Lord started showing me my own cycle. You do the same thing, you are thinking all kinds of things, but do not really know what is going on in his mind. You are also assuming alot of things and going over old conversations and satan is having a field day with you.
There is nothing and I mean nothing that you can do about what he is doing. About the only way that you are going to stop this completely from happening is for you to walk away from him totally and completely. I know that isn't what you want to do because if it was, you would have done that by now. You have had plenty of good reason too.
What is so frustrating for you as well as for me, is that you have no clue as to what he is thinking or what he is going through and you won't until he chooses to talk about everything. Even then you may not know everything. Put your confidence and trust in the Lord. Not into what your husband is doing or not doing. It doesn't matter what your husband is doing or not doing because you know what the Lord has told you.
If the Lord is with you, then it doesn't matter because you are going to be alright. I just came to the realization about this stuff in this last week. The Lord took me to another sight about marriage restoration, showing me different scriptures about things and it is all becoming very real to me now. In a way I didn't understand before.
I was getting really upset about things and then I started reading some information from this sight and the thing that caught my eye was: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR YOU TO DO RIGHT NOW IS TO "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." Psalms 46:10 (read Psalms 46 the whole thing). Then he started to show me how I always counted on and trusted people for my happiness, security, love and all that.
I realized the pressure that I was putting on my husband for the first time without even trying to. I was counting on my husband to make the right move in order to make me feel better and more secure about our situation. How can my husband do that when he is not even secure within himself? The Lord showed me that my trust, faith, love all needs to be in him. He gave me this picture of him always walking right by my side wherever I go. So now when Satan tries to come at me, I close my eyes and I picture the Lord right by my side walking and talking with me.
Then I get this peace. Yes, I don't like my situation and at times I don't like the way it makes me feel, but for the first time I realize that I am not alone. I'm beginning to learn that the most important relationship I have is with the Lord and the rest will follow.
Cathy, you will have up days and down days and you know what, it is okay to have those. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever, but don't let Satan take your mind and put all those thoughts in your head and allow you to doubt yourself or the Lord. Because he will do that in every way that he can come up with in order to get you to give up on the Lord.
If you look at it, you go back and forth as much as he does because of his modes. I did the same thing. I did the exact same thing because my emotions were and are tied into his. That is what the Lord was showing me, that I had to be more consistant. I had to stop allowing his emotions to decide my emotions.
I had to stop expecting him to react or think of me and getting angry because he didn't. He showed me that unconditional love doesn't have to do with what the other person is thinking of me or no thinking of me, but loving him in spite of it. I had to let go of the control that I was trying to hang onto. I hope that I'm explaining this properly. By letting go of the control, I mean letting go of what I think he should be doing, thinking or reacting to what I am doing, saying, etc.
I'm beginning to understand so much more then what I did before and I know that there is still so much more to learn about all of this. I now realize that this has to be a part of who I am and not just for working on my marriage. That my trust has to be completely in the Lord for everything. To stop looking at what is going on around me and keep seeing the Lord.
Trusting in what he has told me and believing him for it. Working on myself to change me into the wife, mother, and person that he wants me to be. To be willing to be obedient even when I don't understand, because I will understand in time.
Cathy, you are not alone. Hang in there, because in time this to will pass.
I hope today is a happy day for you. Reading your thread made me want to reach into the computer and give you a big hug!
Your H is in such denial that he has a drinking problem - his "I can quit any time I want" is classic. The problem is that anyone can quit - it is the STAYING QUIT that is the hard part. That is where the physical addiction has to run it's course and then the work on the pyschological addiction begins. It is the same with smokers - the nicotine is gone in 7-10 days, but changing the habit of smoking in their mind is the most challenging part.
Your H goes to the OW when he is drunk so he can avoid facing you at his lowest and weakest form. He is embarrassed by his behavior and doesn't want to subject you or S to it.
Did he behave this way when SS was younger too? I just wonder if SS took his dad out and told him, listen, I went through this and don't want to see my little brother go through it too. Please get help and get it before it is too late.
Am I off the mark here? I haven't dealt with a drinking problem - and just feel for you as I read your posts.
Well, I hope you are able to enjoy and kick-back at your niece's graduation tonight and tomorrow. Were you able to get the scrapbook done? Tell me about it - do you simpy crop and mount the photos on colored paper? Do you journal on your pages? Do you do fancy lettering yourself or use pre-cut letters? Or are you into the more advanced stuff using metals, fabrics, etc?
I have a closet full of the supplies and no time to tackle it! And I have three kids to do scrapbooks for. Luckily my MIL suggested that she watch the kids on a regular time so I can go do something for myself. She suggested a book club, but I said I'd rather go to work on my scrapbooks. Yeah!
Well, it is raining here - again ( or should I say still?) But tomorrow promises to be sunny - yeah again!
Hope you have a great weekend. Hang in there!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Good morning my strong friend. I hope you have a better day today.
I don't have much to add to the wonderful words that Laurie posted to you. She is so right about:
Quote: He showed me that unconditional love doesn't have to do with what the other person is thinking of me or no thinking of me, but loving him in spite of it. I had to let go of the control that I was trying to hang onto. I hope that I'm explaining this properly. By letting go of the control, I mean letting go of what I think he should be doing, thinking or reacting to what I am doing, saying, etc.
This is (for me) incredibly hard. It's not so much that I expect H to act a certain way, it's that I'm sad that he doesn't and won't. BUT...Laurie's right. This is what we need to do.
Hang in there Cathy. Take care of yourself and the little guy. Be good to you.
Laurie is right, there is nothing you can do. I think I finally realized that when my H told me he was back living with OW.
Let the Lord fight for you. I know it is hard. And I don't know how you let go when H is still in the house, still being so ugly. Ask the Lord to tell you how.
Accept it for what it is. Keep living your life. Find some way to stop letting your H control you. You'll have to figure it out.
For me it was just ending it. I don't even know what that means... but right now I am no longer protecting H, or enabling/facilitating his R with his kids or letting him dictate when he talked to us. It became clear to me that he was controlling me, still. And it was all very negative.
Think... what is one thing that can/will happen for Cathy in the future that does NOT involve H? Even a fantasy? Think on that.
Or... think of GOOD things about being D from H... I've been doing this lately. It kind of makes me feel good. Oh, and watch You've Got Mail... that's a good pick me up.
Do like you did last night... save yourself. When H does not come home, give yourself permission to have a pajama party with Cathy. I am sure you enjoyed your time a lone in the past when things were good with H... give yourself permission to do that again. Stop doing anything just so you can tell H... who cares?
Walk away in your mind. Love him unconditionally by letting him walk this journey without your pressure...
Hang in there, girlfriend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm so happy you stopped by. 
or what he COULD have. Okay I popped my own balloon, have to get work.
I know, I know dreadful thinking, but it did come to mind. Ya know he's been drinking all day, at OW's..something happens to our S and I can't get ahold of him.