Happy Birthday to you (SHOOBY DOO) Happy Birthday to you (SHOOBY DOO) Happy Birthday Dear Cathy (SHOOBY DOOBY DOO) Happy Birthday to you!
That is the version that my kids sing so I thought you would appreciate it too!
Your insights into your H are amazing. The walls are starting to crumble. Your patience and support make him feel guilty at times, but also very loved. He is struggling with his feeling that he doesn't deserve you - but wants you all the same.
Each of us has our own journey through this process and can only hope to learn from each other - so we can adapt things to our own sitch. You have taught me and others a great deal.
May this year be filled with blessings for you and yours! Hope your day was as happy as you made it sound - even with the twists and turns!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Good Morning to all my Dbing friends and thank you all for the birthday wishes. It was a great birthday, even though my H didn't get me a card or a gift! Although, I was a bit sad to be honest.
Had a great day on Saturday. Took son to dozer days, a local company has an open house where you can bring your kids to ride on construction equipment.
H was supposed to be done with work at 2:30, I called him when we got to Dozer days, he was at the local bowling alley drinking, was done with work at noon. When I got to the bowling alley H and few other guys were there and H was well on his way.
Stayed there for a bit, then took off for the festival we were going to next. H gets so obnoxious when he's been drinking, he wasn't all that bad, but gets mad about the littlest things. He's nice as can be with his friends and then with me, he's awful.
While at the festival we ran into a guy H used to work with who is dating a friend of OW's, who also hangs out at H's bar. I haven't seen in her in awhile, but she looked great. She broke up with a freind of H's (who also is regular at H's bar) becuase he didn't want to get married and sat in the bar all the time. This other guy is pretty much a drunk too, but he has money. It's so sad these guys are so nice when they are sober, are such hard workers but yet feel the need for alcohol.
Took S on some rides and then let him play at the playground for a bit. H says to me I see someone I know, he works with OW. I could the see the guy looking at H, looking at me, with a kind of puzzled/hesitant look on his face. I then had to go by S and saw the guy heading over to talk with H. I stayed with our S, thinking is this my life now, my H had this other life with OW, involving her people and now there's crossover and why am I the one who's uncomfortable. I told S we had to go and started heading over toward H. I could see this other guys little girl by him and he was starting to walk away, he said bye to my H and gave me an awkward wave, with his eyes down and we all parted ways.
Once H's alcohol buzz started fading he was much nicer, his emotions are a lot closer to the surface. We were talking about an incident that happened earlier with my niece and a co-worker of H's and I could hear the hurt in H's voice. I told my H that my nieces have a harder time with this, they see everything more black and white and for the most part are more judgmental. In my opinion it's becuase they have experienced life yet.
He also mentioned a friend of his from the old days,who he's know for a long time who wouldn't talk to him, was mad at H. I asked H why and he wouldn't say..in thinking about it later I can probably guess.
H was in his Sunday mood yesterday, didn't know what to do with himself. Was going to get up early and go fishing, fidgeted around the house for awhile, asked me what I was doing, did I want to go fishing. I said I would, but I really don't want to be out there all day and have a few things I needed to do yesterday. Then H decided he needed suntan lotion, we went to get that and had lunch while we were out.
So S and I hung out yesterday. I finished planting my flowers, did some laundry, took S to the park, relaxed mainly.
H got home early evening. I asked him if he wanted something to eat and he made some smart remark like "you mean around here?" basically a dig. I had made dinner for S and I and kept H's warm in the oven which I pulled out for H. Didn't say a word. Was outside came back in and S was wiping up the floor. I said did he spill something and H said "no he's cleaning up the spots on the floor that you mom can't seem to do." I looked at H and said you sure are critical (H has never cleaned the floor). H then added "and I can't either becuase I have bad knees." I'm thinking maybe I should have son start cleaning my floors, he might like doing it and since him and H are the ones that make the messes why not.
So today, my thoughts and feelings are all over the board. At one point on Saturday I was sitting by H as he was talking to his friend thinking I do not want this for my life, H drinking all the time, his drinking buddies...it's a world I wish I wasn't a part of, maybe because it's H and OW's world.
I was also thinking about everything's that's happened in the last year. The madness of it all. That H is back home and why did we have to go through everything if we are back together? Now, there's this additional baggage to deal with, the baggage of H's affair and H/OW's world.
I remember telling H shortly after he moved in with OW, that if he was confused, didn't know what he wanted to just take some time, go away, but not to get involved with someone else and mess their life up.
I am struggling with things today, I feel unbalanced, and I can't quite put a finger on what it is I'm feeling today. Well, to be honest I'm feeling a little crabby. Maybe it's the weekend and just letting it all sink it, I don't know.
Cathy, Here's my take on your mood... I know that when I have "a day" that I am worried about... like my birthday, for instance, or the last one, anniversary of H moving out, I tend to get "up" for the day. Gear up for it, plan, etc. Try to make sure I do for me, etc. And sure enough, the day goes fine, or great. But, usually the next day, I feel down... teary, misty, whatever. I think it must be an adrenaline let down or something. I get through the tough days fine... but don't plan something for the next day. For whatever reason, I seem to have a post-big-day slump.
You are so strong. Hang in there.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Maybe you're right Holdingon. It might have been Saturday with H, also. That I'm coming back into his world again, that we ran into people I haven't seen in almost a year and half. That they know H was with OW, yet they seemed nice enough to me.
I think I was feeling guilty because I was responsible for OW's pain and my H leaving OW. That his friends, coworkers, OW's coworkers, that they thought I was the bad person. His coworkers in the bar were checking me out, I can't describe the look in their eyes.."she's not that bad"..."why'd he leave her," disbelief I don't know what.
Then today I'm thinking WHAT THE? I'm the wife people, H left me for OW, H was an A with OW, he's married to ME! I didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't be the bad person. No matter what H said or did "I was not the bad person!" Or maybe they're more curious becuase I DID take him back! Want to see who this woman is, whose H was having an A and she took him back. Maybe that doesn't happen very often in H's other world, I don't know. Now I'm feeling pretty darn good about myself.
I guess it's just something I'll have to get used to and this weekend was the first time that I've had to deal with it, be a part of it. That I'm sure OW would hear about it, and that she would hurt...but have to remind myself that H IS my husband and is not available nor ever was. H was always going to come back, he just couldn't get up the nerve to do it.
Being with H so much also doesn't give me my time to pray, read the bible, reflect which I also didn't do a lot of. Saturday night I was beat. H was beat, too. I thought he might be interested and he said I'm too tired tonight, wouldn't matter if you were a VC model, I'm tired.
This coming from my male stud, whose always "ready" and can do it "three times a night" I guess he's a big talker after all. H WAS tired and admitted it to me for the first time ever!!
Maybe you need to think this when you run into people who knew about ow. Maybe they are just nervous that they may say something that would upset you. It's so hard to try to figure out. Could be most people are not thinking anything except , Gee, I don't want to say the wrong thing and possibly blow this reconciliation for them. Just a thought.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
A good thought at that. I believe you are absolutely right. Why do we all just want to think the negative way? I do that all the time and you put a nice twist on it. We always assume people are thinking the worse and most likely are not.
It's the voice of experience talking. I've experienced that uncomfortableness. True friends of yours will be delighted, but guarded. They don't want you hurt again. At some point a friend will ask what is going on. I think this is the type of situation where everyone is uncomfortable at first. And it really does come down to "what if I say the wrong thing?" " I want them to be happy, I don't want to be responsible for causing a disagreement."
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I was thinking negative and then turned around to positive and not making it about "me." It probably is awkward and will be for awhile. And the fact that H is still in contact, as far as I know, with OW, could also make it even more uncomfortable. IF they know, and then see me and H together and wonder if I know that they know that OW is still pursuing H... ya know?
At this point I really can't focus on the "other" people, they will think what they want, say what they want. It's the just the "latest" something else will come along to replace it at some point. And, I highly doubt OW was thinking about me when H moved in with her and/or cared.
Last night S had his firt t-ball game. He was just so darn adorable out there, in fact all the little one's were. H and I really enjoyed watching. H was D'd from first wife when SS20 was 3, so H missed a lot of his growing up years.
Maybe someone call help me with this situation. I have to work tomorrow night at a dept event. I asked H Sunday if he would be able to pick up S. First response "no" so I said can you pick him up for SIL's as I will probably get back late (in case he wanted to do something after work, which is what I was assuming) and he once again said "no" and then "you don't have to work at that" "tell your boss you can't work." I didn't say a word.
This is what H says when I have to work late or extra hours for an event. A few of them are events that I manage so I HAVE to be there, it's what I do. I'm not sure why his first response is always "no" and "tell them you can't work" If I call him today to ask him again, before I ask my SIL, he will more than likely say he'll pick S up. Do I need to ask differently, a different approach?
It has something to do with H's insecurity, of not feeling important to me, that there are other men who will be talking to me, that I might meet somebody else??
My niece is graduating this Friday and I plan on attending the graduation and dinner afterwards. As well, as a party the next day at my SIL/Brothers's house. H asked if I was going Friday night and I said yes and H said "is it okay if I don't go" I replied "that's fine" H then asked if it was okay if he didn't attend on Saturday "I said that's fine" and then he kind of made a smart remark. I said "it's not that I don't want you to go, but I'm not going to make you either" Should I have insisted that he go? I want to bring the subject up again, just so that he knows that I really would like him to be there, but it's his decision. I know he's having a hard time with family things. It could be awkward as SIL's family will be there and H doesn't really like SIL's mom all that much. This is my favorite niece, and I don't want to miss these functions.
H and I haven't been out on a date in quite awhile. Maybe I could ask him to do something Saturday night, just he and I? Only stay at niece's party on Saturday for a short time?
I know there's nothing I can do, but if he's free Friday night..might be Miller time and who knows what will happen from there.
Try telling him that you have to go to this event, but would rather be with him and then ask him if he can pick up son. Instead of just coming out and asking him to pick up son. Let him know that you would rather spend time with him but because of obligations you have to be somewhere else.
Can he go to these events with you? Also try stating something like that when he asks you about him not going. Tell him that you would really like him to go with you, but if he would rather not, that you understand. Then he knows that you want him there, but you are not making the decision for him.
Reminds me last summer when I was seeing a therapist, I shared this with her, about H's attitude when I had to work and and she said the same thing you did.
It's all in the approach I guess and it makes perfect sense.
to be honest.
and he said I'm too tired tonight, wouldn't matter if you were a VC model, I'm tired. 
