My H called from the road last night. He could only talk briefly. Apparently, he's really feeling the effects of my "differentiation" because he was freaking out saying that he's afraid I'm going to call him one day and tell him our relationship is over.
I told him I hadn't really given him any ultimatum like that and reminded him that he was the one who was throwing his clothes into a suitcase two weeks ago.
He said that he believed in irony and felt that even though he acted that way it was entirely possible that I would be the one who would leave him "squashed like a bug".
I had great difficulty holding on to myself during this convo and I couldn't figure out how a differentiated person was supposed to act when the other spouse is the one who is upset and seeking validation. I did reassure him that I wasn't going anywhere and that I loved him, but I'm not sure that was exactly the right response. Luckily, H had to get back to work and the convo ended on a reasonably good note.
Today is our anniversary and I know he is going to call and I don't know how to handle myself. HELP!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I couldn't figure out how a differentiated person was supposed to act when the other spouse is the one who is upset and seeking validation.
I think it would mean remaining calm, and not seeking distance (i.e. not trying to go somewhere, hang up, end the convo...). I don't think providing validation is a good idea, as it will feed the fusion (just mho). I think it would be important to maintain one's "shape", remain calm, hold onto oneself, and otherwise just hold up your end of the conversation. Yes, it will leave the other feeling intensely insecure, it will throw them into their crucible. That is the desired outcome...
(please note, I am speaking here from theory only, as I understand it, not from personal experience...)
Quote: Yes, it will leave the other feeling intensely insecure, it will throw them into their crucible.
Tim, I'm sure you are right, but I don't know if I'm capable of doing it. For me it would be like leaving a baby crying in it's crib, something I was never able to do. I can deal with anger,but not with pain. I guess I'm also afraid that he will not be able to handle being upset like this and will start thinking about leaving me to avoid the pain of me maybe leaving him. How emo-fusey is that!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
i guess you have to walk a fine line... leaving him too secure would make him take you for granted and tend to encourage him to treat you like his doormat.
On the other hand, if you are too cold, aloof, removed, then he might think it is hopeless and you don't really love him.
Perhaps the path to take would be one of, "I love you, but that could change at any time, so watch it"
Being cold or aloof is not the point. The point is to avoid becoming infected with his anxiety. Two anxious people are not going to be an improvement over one anxious person. If YOU are calm, it should help calm the situation down. Obviously this will be VERY difficult to do over the phone - it's much easier in person (I think). However, bottom line is we can only do that which we are capable of at the time. Whatever that is, it is what it is. What you need to do is communicate your intentions CLEARLY, so he knows where you stand. If you're NOT going anywhere at the moment, it's good for him to know that. Each of you are in your OWN boat, you're not in the SAME boat. The possibility exists that you may sail in different directions, but different directions don't have to be AWAY from each other. Show him you're a friendly vessel, not a fully-armed man-o'-war. That's about the best I've got at the moment...
Be calm, collected, and have a discussion when he gets home, not on the phone. Wish each other a happy anniversary and when he gets home, welcome him back.
Also, sometimes leaving a baby crying in it's crib is the RIGHT thing to do. Not easy, but sometimes it's needed. Personal experience talking, I'm the father of 3...
Thanks all. You confirmed my feeling that I really shouldn't try to deal with this on the phone. If H brings up his discomfort again, I'll just try to keep it light and say something like "You can't get rid of me that easy.". If there is going to be a crucible type event it will be better if not easier to handle it in person.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm thinking you should just be honest and gentle. Treat him with love, kindness and forgiveness - while remaining differentiated, healthy and strong.
You still love this man. You're not here to prove a point.
As far as getting into your R over the phone, your "you can't get rid of me that easily" is a great comeback. If he presses you could tell him that for you it's too important an issue to talk about over the phone.
It sounds like you're doing just fine. I doubt I've told you anything you haven't already thought of.
Mojo, He is crap-flinging. Not in a malicious way, but nonetheless he is flingin' all his crap your way and hoping that you will make it all better.
If it were me, I'd put it right back where it belongs--on him. With things like, "What has happened to get you thinking this way?" and open up the dialogue. Cause if the recent events have him thinking that there is a possibility that you might leave if there is no change, well, then GOOD! That is what you want. To have some leverage with which to work. Reassuring him that you aren't going anywhere sortof puts him in the position of power again, don't you think? I think you can validate what he is saying but at the same time, let him know that your feelings haven't changed.
Something like: "I never intended to upset you or make you worry about whether I will be here when you return home. I simply can't live with things the way they are and was hoping that you would work with me on this." That puts the onus back on HIM.
Just my thoughts but I'm in a bad frickin mood today and want to get up on my roof and scream "Down with LD men!!!"
Hugs, Honey
P.S. I could never let a baby cry in its crib either.
