I'm a regular poster from the Sex Starved Marriage forum and this was the first time I've read some of these other forums regarding affairs, piecing, etc..
Anyway, I'm trying to assess if the infidelity in your sitch was preceded by any desire discrepancies between the 2 of you and, if so, why do you think there was a difference in desire?
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Hi AD - My H had an EA for a long time, before it became a PA, for a brief time. Nope, we were at it a few times a week, and as far as I can tell, and H confirms this, there was nothing amiss in our R from an intimacy perspective. H started the EA because (I think) I was too wrapped up in my own problems, and did not offer him sufficient quality time.
I was very busy with evening classes and by the time I got home (my wife worked early) there wasn't really a good opportunity for ML. Combine that with a coworker she had that didn't care she was married.
So, my wife went from mid-drive to extremely HD as part of her affair and a severe MLC. Unaware of this change, I kept low to mid drive during this time. So, the gap widened.
I am more aware, though, of how the *communication* between LD & HD folks is probably more at fault than the ML itself. I think LD & HD spouses need to find a way to better communicate about their needs to narrow the gap. I'm an open frequent communicator but my wife really doesn't not communicate much about personal things. I really wish I knew his more just a few months ago and about the risk that can pose.
So, I think LD & HD spouses can work but takes some extra communication and flexibility to get there.
Anyway, I'm trying to assess if the infidelity in your sitch was preceded by any desire discrepancies between the 2 of you and, if so, why do you think there was a difference in desire?
major difference in our desire..I was always hd and h either very very ld or rather as he likes to call it "a fluctuating libido" meaning there could be nothing from him at all (not even willingness to be oraly pleased) for months and then wham three or four nights in a row.
I don't know what led to h's affair..perhaps he simply enjoyed the cheering and admiration from a simple little ignorant woman with no boundaries. H claims that his 2+ year relationship that led to seperation and his wanting a d then ows wanting a d from her h to be with mine was soley and emotional relationship. Who the hell knows and at this point who the hell cares..I'm still not getting what I need.
I'm a little pissy today. hey maybe that's why he had his a..couldn't deal with the reality of a relationship so took on a part time one with someone who already had a man filling the rest of her needs?
Quote: Anyway, I'm trying to assess if the infidelity in your sitch was preceded by any desire discrepancies between the 2 of you and, if so, why do you think there was a difference in desire?
My H started off with a EA before it led to a PA. I do belive that desire discrepancies help him cross over then line. When I started to feel like the freindship was getting more than friendship. I went into a little depression. I was motivated to work on R or keeping me going.
After time I belive he just let things happen and went with the flow. When I was feeling depressed about me I did not show an intrest in ML. I thought that I wasn't good engough (I need to lose wieght, or keep the house clean so I could relax)
Basicly, I let life get in the way of ML with my H. So H went form a EA to a PA. Or a least that is what ir seems like now.)
I was always and still am HD. EX had EA then PA. There was no decrease in availability or want on my part. There was just something else that Ex was searching for that he felt was lacking at home.
"Life is too short to waste time on insignificant people"
I have to start my reply by saying that HD and LD are as much a choice and decision as love and commitment. I have learned this the hard way.
Having children and an H who worked evenings I slipped into LD mode while H stayed HD. I then got into resentment for my loneliness with 8 years of this pattern.
When I found out about the affair, and before DB, I changed pace and H couldn't keep up. This has solidly reinforced for me the importance of sex and intimacy and the choices we make to create the moments.
Vanessa
Current Thread Me: 39, H: 35 Kids: S14/D13/D11 1995-04 Married 2003-08 Bomb 2003-09 Separated
Yes, I would also say that a difference in SD was a big part of the reason for my H's affair. I was concentrating on raising children, pregnant or nursing for 8 years and had no urges whatsoever-not even for touching. By the end of the day I'd had children crawling all over me, nursing, whatever, that the last thing I wanted was my H to come home and "grab" me. or ask "are you frisky". Sorry, I now know that turning him down was the same as a slap in the face. I know this because, now since his affair, things have turned around. Not that it was the affair that turned me on, but it sure got my attention. I've also gotten the baby weened, out of the bed, lost my mother, lost some weight, started exercizing, started ovulating again-I hadn't been, and I'm a whole new person that I am really starting to like. H on the other hand, is a little sceptical that the changes are permanent and I feel often that I'm here on a trial basis. How long can she keep up this pace, ya know. So, yes-it has had an effect. And you can turn things around. He is not blameless, cluless, maybe, but not blameless. There were things he could have done to make a difference. We have NEVER taken a honeymoon, or any trip alone since having children. He Never calls the babysitter to arrange a night out. He has been to many places now with OW that I can never go without thinking of how, if he would have done those things with me, maybe this would never have happened. I am not blameless either, but also clueless about a lot of things. Momma never told me....so, there you go.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Hey, my H only had an EA, and I have to ditto slowly's response. I was way too wrapped up in myself and what I thought was good for the family. Since it was "only" an EA (but in my mind, just as hurtful - I actually over heard H tell OW he "loved" her...) I don't know if this counts, but it certainly shows that his ego was bruised by my lack of attention.
As far as I know, H is only having an EA, though I have my doubts. SD for me is ALWAYS on H. I love my H and after nine years I still have him very attractive. For him though, he had a heart attack last Jan at the age of 31 which caused a horrible depression, no SD AT ALL for months and months. I EA came out of not being able to talk to ME not over not being able to have S with me. Now that his libio is coming around we have taken up S again and his SD is getting better but he is still having an EA.
