To recap Married 27 years 2 sons both adults now H moved out in June 2001, text messaged me he wanted out and no longer wanted to be married. no contact other than mail to a false address for over 9 months. Would contact sons rarely. I did all the wrong things of course, found michelle's books and went my own way. Was served D papers by H on Christmas Eve, 2001 with no advance notice it was coming, got my own lawyer and fought back as H didnt want to share his retirement, pay joint debt or child support. In Feb. 2002, I bought my own home and was scheduled to move. Lawyer sent H letter teling him to move his things from old home or be charged a fee. H moved his things and left me a letter tucked away in my hope chest telling me he had been unfaithful during our marriage. I called him and asked him to explain and grudingly he did so. 1st OW was my best friend and his relationship with her lasted over a year. 2nd OW was a co-worker and they had sex twice and she got mean so he ended it. She recently showed up on my doorstep asking for my H, to reestablish their friendship, by the time I was done with her she ran away literally. 3rd was not confessed until a week later. Started off as just a 2nd co-worker, short term, but then he admitted he had been living with her and her son around the corner from the house we were leaving for the last 9 months and they were a family. I was physically sick. He begged forgiviness and wanted to come home. OW was threatening him and telling him she was going to call the kids and I and let us know what had been going on. He only admitted it so she didnt get to us first. He waffled the first few months saying he felt like he was in prison and he missed her. I repeatedly told him he was free to leave as he was now living in my new home and I didnt want him there if he was going to make us all miserable. He never left, knew the boys would cut him off and made sure I knew that is why he was home. OW also felt the need to make sure I knew this. After several mohths of dealing with him going to work everyday and seeing her, we decided it would be best if he quit (25 year job) and go back to school with my full support, including full financial support. After several more months his spirts started to lift and we moved on. In january of this year we had it out. I was tired of living in a marriage with no sex, no kisses and no ILY's. Said he was too tired for sex, hated kissing and always had (surprise to me) and would never tell anyone again that he loved them. HUH? Once again I heard you love me more than I love you, therefore I dont really love you speech. I told him to leave. He would not, said I would have to have him removed by sheriff in front of sons. Said I misunderstood what he was trying to say. Said he always felt that he could only feel anything for anyone at about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Didnt think it was enough for me. It was easier being with women who didnt want anything from him. I valiadated and told him I understood what he was saying and that is was ok. I wasnt looking for more than he could give and as long as I knew I was getting it all, I was ok. He made promises that our sex life would improve that I could have it whenever I wanted, that he would work on the ILY's and kisses and we would make our M work and that he wanted that more than anything. Felt like a huge weight had been lifted from him. We are now 6 months later. He keeps saying he is working on it. No sex, nothing but a cuddle when we go to sleep. I am tired. I shoulder all the burden of our family (both boys still in college) and would honestly be okay if I was getting what I needed from H. I am not. I am scared that it is all a lie. I am scared to think that he came home because he knew he would lose his sons. He cant say ILY or kiss me or ML because he just feels nothing for me. I am scared he is only physically attracted to slutty trampy women (that describes all 3 women pretty much) and without the physical attraction, he just cant do it. I am not slutty or trampy. I am a 44, slightly overweight but working on it everyday woman. Does anyone see that his disinterest in me romantically could be anything else. We both go to counseling and he did go alone for a long time but would be livid if I brought this topic up. He says I am always looking for drama. This isnt drama, it is the same issue that he promises will change and never does. Sorry this is so long.
I didnt want him there if he was going to make us all miserable. He never left, knew the boys would cut him off and made sure I knew that is why he was home. I was tired of living in a marriage with no sex, no kisses and no ILY's. Said he was too tired for sex, hated kissing and always had (surprise to me) and would never tell anyone again that he loved them. HUH? Once again I heard you love me more than I love you, therefore I dont really love you speech. I told him to leave. He would not, said I would have to have him removed by sheriff in front of sons. Said I misunderstood what he was trying to say. Said he always felt that he could only feel anything for anyone at about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Didnt think it was enough for me. It was easier being with women who didnt want anything from him. I valiadated and told him I understood what he was saying and that is was ok. I wasnt looking for more than he could give and as long as I knew I was getting it all, I was ok. He made promises that our sex life would improve that I could have it whenever I wanted, that he would work on the ILY's and kisses and we would make our M work and that he wanted that more than anything. Felt like a huge weight had been lifted from him.
Hi Debra...I cut the quote down to the stuff that really resonated with me. My h has the same issues...
at least yours is home. My advice is to get the book "Passionate Marriages" by David Schnarch and call his offices to find a skilled couples therapist in your area. Your H and you are in a power struggle. Schnarch really describes this well.
I do not think it is unsolvable. I do think that there are real intimacy issues going on. Not sexual, necessarily.
Wish my h were not so afraid to address the issues. I'd love to do this wirk together with him. Maybe you will have better luck than I.
Hi Debra, just caught your thread here...I've appreciated your input so much on mine, so wanted to be sure to jump in. I find it interesting that we've both got similar issues in pretty long-term marriages. There has to be MLC stuff involved here with these guys! I'm facing some of the same stuff w/regards to ml w/H right now, and find myself becoming quite frustrated. It is a complete role reversal from how things were for years, so I can't help but wonder if maybe it's more of the "testing" behavior in my sitch. and a power issue as Maya mentioned here. I don't know what to suggest to you, in my case I'm trying to back way off of sexual stuff w/H.....I'm absolutely astounded that after years of complaining our sex life was non-exsistent, now it's "too much" and "insulting" to him???????go figure....although I think I'm going to let it ride for a while.
Have you read Sex-starved Marriage? I havent gotten all the way thru it, can't remember if you said on my thread you'd read it or not, but it has helped me to let go of many of my biases and preconceptions.
Honestly, at least your H came home (regardless of why he says he did) and left a long-term job to get away from OW. That is huge! Remember that they are in such an addle-brained state right now, that actions are what we need to pay attention to, not particularly what they say.
I am trying to be patient, but we are have been doing this for so long now I am tired. I want someone who wants me it is that simple. I didnt go through all of this to settle for less than what these OW got from my H or less than I need. I have read sex starved marriage. I will look into the passionate marriage book this weekend. the power struggle sounds interesting but I am just afraid it is a lack of physical attraction to me as why settle when you can have women 10 years younger who have better bodies? Just in a down phase right now and the last month I have gotten zero attention because H has been studying for finals and doing projects for the end of the semester. I am proud of all he has accomplised in school, he made it to his senior year in college in just a little over two years. I am just afraid that once he starts working he will give me the speech that he tried, but it is not working. He is not too into reading these books with me and in fact asked that I get rid of them all as every time he saw them he felt guilty. I put them all away for just me when I need them. We have counseling next thursday maybe something will come up there. Just trying to figure out how to get thru the days now without this huge depression. Dont know if I should bring it up again with H when he is done this week with school or just let it go. I am afraid if I let it go, we will never have an intimate relationship again. today is a poor poor me day. thanks for being here for me.
I know it is so hard.....we've given so much to these guys for so many years, it's really hurtful to have to deal with. I never in my wildest, most unhappy momoments would have thought I'd celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary and our precious D's wedding struggling to deal w'my h's affair. I would have never believed that wonderful guy would cheat on me. I get pretty broken hearted all over again when I focus on that much. You have been at it a long, long time. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be. I feel so tired from it all sometimes and it's only been what, about 6 months. Everyone is entitled to poor me days, and especially us db'ers who are struggling so hard with this stuff.
I'm wondering how open your h is to doing something, anything, "fun" together? If you suggest something low key would he go for that? I remember reading about the importance of "healing time" in DR, of doing something, anything, pleasant together to take the focus off of R problems for a while. Is there some little thing you could do together? My H initiated "movie nights" on weekends --and it's something we've come to really enjoy and look foward to. Now he invites me to walk with him about 1x/week, and to go to church together....very small things but they have been helpful in at least getting us started in some common threads of pleasantness. Are there little things you could invite your H to do that might get him moving more in your direction?
If nothing else, how about giving yourself a break? a mental health day? It really sounds like you do have the world on your shoulders right now. Can you if nothing else put your feet up with a glass of ice tea and a good book or some music you like for an hour? Crawl in bed and pull the blankets over your head and nap for an hour? go to a park and swing and watch little kids play for a while? I find sometimes the most helpful thing for me is to just veg out from it all for a little bit.
Also, frankly, I'm on antidepressants and I don't think I would be doing nearly as well as I am (which some days is not well at all) if it wasnt for them.....
Hang in.....I'm thinking of you!!!!and sending prayers your way!
Debra, did you guys have a good sex life prior to the bomb? Do you ML @ all? Can you hold hands and enjoy nice moments together? Can you/he initiate a back rub. These things may help to get things started atleat physical touch.
PS I am definetely not a pro. My h is not even home yet!
Hi Deb and nitaf, thanks for responding. We do alot of fun things together. We have date night every thursday, do the beach, the movies, walk, I help him study, talk about just about everything, go out to dinner alone and with couple friends. I am telling you guys everything is just about perfect with the exception of intimacy. I try backrubs and wearing lingerie and he knows what my message is, he just will pull my hands away, hold them and off to sleep he goes. Why could he have sex with these tramps but refuses me regularly? Our sex life was never more than just ok. A few months ago we answered the questions in the book "the story of us" and when asked if you prefer to be the teacher or the student when it comes to sex, we both said student. My H had never had sex with anyone but me prior to our marriage, now of course he has lots to compare me to. Why would a man withhold sex unless he just doesnt feel anything. His OW told me he told her I was fat and just didnt do it for him. That haunts me everyday. I dont know what to do. Also the few times that we have had sex, (the last time was over a month ago) he has trouble finishing, cant quite get there. He says it is because he is out of shape and has trouble catching his breath. Why is he working so hard? I cant get over the thoughts that his body is betraying his true emotions. This just sucks after all of this work.
Debra, you are in a tough situation. I would be suspicious also, but that is my nature. I don't like to feel taken advantage of.
It seems you have a good grasp of what to do. All I can offer is... 1. look for babysteps, they have saved me my sanity more than once. 2. set goals, they really are great to have to be able to monitor what you are doing. 3. Work on yourself. At least you know that you will be happier, and if it doesn't work, you can be the one to hold your head high and say that you did it.
Good luck. And get to the gym or out walking or whatever you want to do. Exercise will help you lose weight, raise your PMA, and give you more energy to keep going. (Listen to me. I know what I am talking about, even if I don't always follow my own advice...)
It is weird because my H use to say that I held sex back from him. When he left I made a pass @ him and he said you are so phony. Your are just doing that to apease me. Well about a month later I was doing everthing i wouldn't do inthe M because of my own isecurities such as dancing for him, dressing up,1 time he came over I had a bubble bath running for him and on the mirror in lipstick I wrote You Tarzan, me JAne let's swing 2nite. He was thrilled.I bought blindfolds, maid dresses etc... Since we are separated sex is wonderful. I had to stop it because it wasn't leading to reconciliation. Still wonder sometimes if I should keep it up. It has been a month.
Ps try the Tarzan -Jane thing. It is really cute. Nitaf
Rotzilla: I do go the gym, twice a day in fact, it helps me feel so much better and I am watching what i eat but the progess is slow due to my age (44) and thyroid disease. Most days I am able to just concentrate on me and making myself a happier person but lately....... This is so not fair, I kept my promises ( the gym and the financial support, the forgivness and improving my moods) and he has not kept his. Nitaf: My H is very conservative. Tarzan and Jane or any role playing or porno would turn him off. He likes spontaneous and natural as he says.
I know what I am talking about, even if I don't always follow my own advice...)