Uh...Okay, get this! After telling me it was over and leaving last night W came back home at 9:30 this morning. She was supposed to be at work. She looked about as crappy as a person could look, she had obviously been crying and had slept very little. I asked her if she was home to get her stuff, she said no, she was home for good. I was on the phone with her mom, and and just started to tell her about the previous night and let MIL go. I started to walk over to her to help her get her stuff inside and she fell into my arms, sobbing, saying she loved me. I was quite blown away since W had basically told me less than 12 hours before that she didn't love me and never would. I took her in, sat her down, and talked with her. She said that she had called OM and told him it was over. She didn't want to talk to him, see him, or have him park his car near where she parked. I was blown away. I told her I was here for her and she kissed and hugged and held me. I got more affection today than I have had in 4 weeks. She cried nearly non-stop for 3 hours. I decided I had to get her out of the house to try to calm her down. We had promissed S that we would go to Shrek 2 (Great family film btw, adults loved it too). We stopped at McDonalds and she didn't come in, she sat out in the car and cried. Son and I ran into a friend at McDonalds, who sort of knew the situation, and I asked her to watch S. I went out and she told me the story. She had called OM to tell him that she was leaving me. She wanted him to leave his wife for her. He had told her before that he would do it in a second, but the SOB backed out on her. He told her he could tell she still loved me and that she needed to work on her marriage. He had told her that he would punch out early, stop calling, and avoid her completely. She said she was so pissed at him. I was a little angry because I seem to be the back-up plan. I still am not sure how to react to this. So far I have been very supportive and have talked about my personal fears of this situation, such as she is just trying to use play me for a fool. I don't think she is. She has said several times that she is trying for real this time, because she does love me and wants to make it work. She is going to put in her two week notice tomorrow, and we are probably going to move back to the farm with her family to try to make it work. This is so wierd. I even said "I told you so" and she didn't get that mad. I have held her while she cries to near sleep, of course she is exhausted from lack of sleep. How freeking wierd this is! What do I do? Do I keep DB? Or console her and get her out of her heartache? This is so unexpected and odd! What a reversal I was planning on divorce papers being drafted up and a custody hearing, and now she is back in my life. Where do I go from here?
CSR
I love her, but how do I help her get over this? She says she wants to make us work now. Odd how it took him shooting her down to move in that direction. HELP!!!
I know your pride took a big hit on this one, but how you handle things now could make all the difference in the world. I think if you can be there for her and help her through this, she is likely to see what she almost gave up.
Know it's not fair, but I think this has to be about her for a while. I think consoling her and listening to her is DBing.
I would suggest getting the book "After the Affair" for you, but I wouldn't bring up your feelings of betrayal right now. Later, I think it would be very appropriate, but not now.
Consider yourself an extremely lucky guy. I'm in a similar situation where the affair boy turned out to have lied to my walk-away wife and their affair ended. However, my wife had to go through such destruction of her feelings about me to deal with her guilt she has not come back. She had to explain to everyone why she was leaving such a happy relationship so he had to lie in some very awful ways and did not take a single photo or memory item from our entire almost two decades together (?!?!?!) So, she doesn't feel she can come back. She's brainwashed herself and is in deep MLC.
So thank your lucky stars she came back so quickly. Trust me, I know the hurt and other issues are very difficult. However, they are NOTHING compared to having your wife back at home and the affair ended so quickly.
You can survive, heal the hurt, and since you have your wife (which I would give _anything_ to have this chance) you really are in a once-in-a-lifetime positive situation.
See your situation as very very positive. Yes, there are some things to work through. But, read the book she recommended, talk to a good professional right away (Divorce Busters or Marriage Builders) and trust me it is money well spent. You want to do things right just now and some of the right things are non-intuitive.
Please do these things, spend the money and be very careful to do things right. Let her heal first, then have you heal too over time.
And thank the powers that be that you got a second chance. For those of us that may not get one, it is the most precious thing in life. A second chance for me would be better than the birth of my child and I would want nothing more.
I don't mean to be dramatic but you are very very lucky. Be very very careful in doing the right things now and working the steps above. Best wishes.
Well more on W and OM sitch. Sunday, after wife had come home on saturday and told me OM was out, I got a call from MIL saying W was coming home with plans of leaving. OM had tracked her down at work and told her he was sorry and wanted it to work. He was going to tell his W and family he was leaving that night. I was furious and told MIL that I would not let her in the house. W got home I met her outside and had all the doors locked behind me. She said she was leaving, she didn't love me, and it was over because they were going to be together. W and I had talked twice during the day and she had said that she would be home and that it was still over. I was blown away, what a change of heart in less than 4 hours. I finally let her in and then took her cell and called him. He was telling his wife and kids when I called, then W called on other phone. We passed the phone around and argued and cried and I even talked to his W. I told her how long I had known and how I wish I would have come to her. After several hours of talking and crying and arguing, W and OM decided it was going to be too hard to make it work. W was very angry with him, but said that she was so pissed at him for backing out twice that she had no desire to even talk to him again. They did end up talking though because OM had left while OMW and I talked about sitch. I told her about DB and we went had very good conversation. By the end of the evening I had found out that my wife had lied about sleeping with OM. I had given her two days to take a break from family life last Wed and Thur and she had slept with him on the last night. Then when she came home and was miserable on Fri and I kicked her out W called OM told him to break it to his family and his family was crushed. He backed out on W and that is why she came back on Sat instead of going to Work. W almost instantly turned to me that evening. We made plans to move and are probably going to be out of here in 14 days. She put in her two week notice. I told my boss I was going. We reserved a U-Haul and contacted her family and told them we were coming back. W has seen that OM has his vices. He has been terrible to his W, blaming her for him losing his "lover". She has been hurt by that too. The way he talks about her, I can hear it through the phone when I talk to his wife, is appauling. He is being a big baby and my wife told her to call and talk to me whenever he needed too. OM has told his W that he is going to cut off her cell phone if he doesn't stop talking to me. I am basically telling her to be patient if she wants it to work. I really want her to hang in there for at least two weeks so W and I can get out of here. I think W is becoming angry because trust is down on OMW side and I keep trying to reassure that my W is not going to go back to him. I am very worried because they both will be at work together tomorrow and I think that he will try to contact her. W has promissed that it won't make a difference. I believe her, but of course I am still a little worried. He persuaded her twice to leave me and I am praying that the third time isn't a charm. What advice do I give W? I could probably meet her at W and make sure that OM doesn't try to sweep her off her feet. I may tell her to call me the second she gets off work and then she can tell him she is talking to me and has to go. I am a little scared, but fortunatly we have counseling today too. W was far more withdrawn this morning after last nights talk with OMW. I am trying to be supportive and tell her that I have faith in her (I always have, but I can't make the reality and pain go away. What do I do! Please let me know asap!
Creed2642, The hardest thing to do is walk away from an OM. I hope for your sake you can make the next two weeks and start over, it will be hard but you can make it. I can't tell you what will happen in the next two weeks, but it won't be easy OM is going to hold on. I've been in this situation for the last four months, everytime OW leaves my H he comes back to me. Unfortunatly I think the last time was the last for me, I can't take the heartache any longer. I hope you can hang in...my only advice be patient and understanding. Take Care, stacieB
We may be on our way to the promissed land. Well, we are moving back to her parents farm. Today went pretty well I guess. She didn't talk to OM at all. Of course, OM W and I have been in very close contact trying to keep them apart. I guess OM has shown signs of finding out how to improve his relationship habits. Wife has been a little edgy today. I did talk to her a little about rumors of sex between her and other man. It hurts so bad to think that they did it, but if they hadn't they would have snuck around until I left her and then two marriages would have been broken up. If all this works out it could be a Double Divorce Busting. The hardest thing now is waiting for her to get over OM. I imagine, my work has just begun. What a battle it has been. Although I am still waiting for these two weeks to get over so we can GET OUT OF HERE!!! I can't believe that through all the pain OM put her through that she hasn't realized how good a guy I am for staying around and not giving up. God why can't these selfish people see the pain that they put us through! I know, I did some wrong, but God knows I am a moral and good person. Pray for me and I will keep praying for you all. Of course ANY advice will be welcome.
Quote: Wife has been a little edgy today. I did talk to her a little about rumors of sex between her and other man. It hurts so bad to think that they did it, but if they hadn't they would have snuck around until I left her and then two marriages would have been broken up. If all this works out it could be a Double Divorce Busting.
Right now might not be a good time or palce to ask your W all the questions that you need answered. If she is edgy thake that as a sign for no R talks about yalls marriage or the affair. Focus on your M. Don't try to save the Om marriage. Him and his wife have to do that.
Quote: The hardest thing now is waiting for her to get over OM. I imagine, my work has just begun. What a battle it has been.
And the battle has just begun. I keep thinking of it a one hugh bada** rollercoaster. You have to hold on tight and not get bumbed off. But the ride has just started and it will be a long one.
Keep up with the PMA. Once the two weeks is up. That's when the hard work starts.
kitkat, nurse me through this one. W is worried about friends that will miss her. She changed her two week notice into a leave of absence. Now she has the option to come back in up to 90 days. She still agrees to go and stay with parents, and even seems somewhat positive about us. But she cannot seem to accept that OM is not going to leave his family. I told her that S and I want her to be with us. I don't know if this is the right thing to say. We have packed a S room and a lot of the closets. Still a positive moving vibe in the air. I know I have to stop on the R talks. Although she seems to need some sort of positive reinforcement that I am not going to leave her after what she has done.
The only thing I can think to say is. Starting right now. Db your A** off. Show W that you can change but change for you. Show W haw much better life is without OM. And that just because friends will miss her life is better without the complacitons of OM.
Do all this with out saying words. It seems when you try to tell someone these things the blame game starts. Rembemer it is the little baby steps that have the biggeest impact. Think of a pond and a pepple's rings that start small and get bigger.
Kat, Everyday wife seems to get a little better, but unfortunatly I faced major setbacks yesterday. I had still been talking with OM's W and she had been passing me information about my W and OM. She had told me that on Saturday the two hand kissed and hugged in the parking lot at work and that my W had called OM on the way home from work to ask if he was going to follow her on the highway until she had to turn off so they could talk. All this happened the day after I had left work early to check and see if the two were still rendevouzing after work. I found both cars parked together, OM had punched out of work early and was going home, showed he was trying to avoid my W. I stopped him and talked to him. He told me to take her home and be good to her. I told him I had always been good to her so I guess I would have to be great in order to keep her interest. We shook hands and left. I went in and told his W about the early departure and all of the other stuff, she said it was a good move on my part (I of course know better). She also said that he had told her that he wanted to ML with her that night. OM was very upset about the fact that I had driven all the way down to OM's W place to try and make her feel a little better because she was so depressed over the affair. We just went to the park and talked and I told her afterwards, that it was possible to get out and leave the pain behind. I just tried to show her what she could do to try and get her mind off of the affair. She had been doing very well. I said it looked like she was in the clear. The information that she gave me the next day devastated me. It seemed like my W was chasing him around. I have also had the added stress of her period coming late, I have never wanted her period to come so badly in my life!
Right now the hardest thing is knowing that this scumbag thought so much of my wife to not only back out on her twice, but to ML to his W only because he thought I had gone down to sleep with his W. I'm not that type of a guy. I also think it is hard waiting for W to bring intimacy back to our R. I know W is going through a tough time. I guess the more patient I am with her, wait for the move, and keep supporting her through this the better it is for me.
She has gotten a tone of foot rubs and has even sat on my lap a couple of times. I just keep on listening to Hoobastank's "The Reason" and Nickleback's "Someday" (para your request). She is still here, she is trying to make it work, and she wants to start our lives over again back near her parents. I think she needs support from them, but what kind of advice is good from them? THey are going to talk a lot about how great of a guy I am. Do you think that will be okay? They have stayed in constant contact with me through this, and she has done the opposite of what they have told her to do, aside from this move. Regaurdless, getting her away from here will help. Although over the last few days she has really reassured me that she is done with him.
Yesterday we had a rough time because of what OM's W had told me, and she said that it was all lies. I told her I had a hard time believing her, then she said that she and her friend at work had talked and they both felt that OM was doing this to try and get me to leave (If that was his plan it almost worked because I had a bag packed for my S and I and I was going to go and confront her on it while my S stayed with a friend). W and friend felt that OMwas spreading rumours through his W to try and get me to leave my W. W was near tears. W said it was over and she just wanted to work on our R. Of course this is what convinced me of her pain and sincerity. SHe said she was sorry for what she put me through. She wished she could take it back but couldn't. I didn't cry, but I feel like it typing this up. I finally have my wish for a second chance and I keep on pouring cold water over her efforts to try and get her feelings back for me.
So now I just have to sit back and make it easier for her. We went to dinner last night at the Casino she works in and I was very uncomfortable. It was hell. The food was very good and afterwards we went bowling. She reached out a couple of times and it was a good time. Boy do I have a long road ahead of me. After these next 8 days we will be away from the casino, and most of the nightmares that have come from that. 10 days from now we will be back where our love was very strong, and the stimulus of the best part of our relationship will be center stage. I keep praying that this will be good enough to get her back into my corner. I know I still have a long way to go before I will be in the clear, but for now she is still here, still sleeps in the same bed with me, and sometimes...she even smiles . That sure makes me feel good.
. That sure makes me feel good.