Quote: Also, have considered give OW's H a copy of DR? It might be a good investment. It could lead him to understanding why he shouldn't be calling you about her whereabouts.
'til later, KAW
I like this idea! I had thought about giving J's h a copy while David was still home to see if he could work on his marriage and get her out of mine.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Wow, a long weekend full of R&R. You and NG are going to enjoy it, and we all know you deserve it!
It is strange that Ow's H called you to talk to NG and then you. Boy he really does need to read DR. We all have been in a similar sitch but we got the help we needed to learn this was not the right path to take. It was great for you to tell Ow's H that by him calling NG it (can or does) reopen the lines between them two. I bet he never thought of it that way before. Smart move on your part.
I, myself, am trying to figure out how to have Xh open up to me and share all of his feelings with me. I am at a standstill on this one. If you get some advise or a trick on this I would love to know.
I think you are doing great, keep up the good work, and dont let the bumps in the road discourage you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Hi Slowly, just been reading through and trying to catch up with you...you do such a magnificent job, I swear I don't ever feel I have suggestions to offer, but I get inspiration just from reading your thread.... Hope you have a great weekend. It sounds like a wonderful time to me!
Hi KAW and Pam - You know, I've thought of getting DR for this bozo several times now, but just don't want to establish a link with him. This is the guy who came round with 3 heavies and scratched our front door while we were away on a long weekend, NOT the kind of person I want to have any contact with.
NG did say that he thought of changing our phone numbers, but that all it meant was that this bozo would come round in person - I have to agree, better on the phone, even if he is blubbering most of the time
Hey Rottz - Its good to have your take on the sitch, sometimes I think I'm deluding myself that things are going well. To be honest, the continued 'contact' with OW is really bothering me, but I guess I'll leave it be for a while yet.
Journaling Wednesday. A 180 for me - did not think about the previous night's phone call, more importantly did not discuss it to death with NG I dropped him off at the project office, caught up with a couple of my colleagues who are here from Hong Kong, and generally had a good day.
NG was ready to be picked up early afternoon, and after tea, we went to sort out paperwork for the new house. NG actually organized it all, without me nagging - yeah for me, I CAN let go. Actually, life is more pleasantfor me when I do back off. NG did ask me why I was not doing more, I just said I was confident he had it all under control.
Over dinner, he had this teasing glint in his eye, and I KNEW he was dying to tell me what the phone call was all about. OK, I was weak, so I said I'll bite, what did you learn? OW sent him an email in the morning to say that she had muttered NG's name in her sleep on Monday night, and her H was going nuts all day Tuesday. She took off just to have time to herself.
This then led to a 3 hour monologue by NG about the porblems OW was/is having, and how he NG wishes OW and her H had someone else to confide in etc etc. Boy NG can talk. I just did my paper doll impression and listened with wide eyes. Seemed to me like he REALLY needed to talk, and I'd rather he talks to me than OW.
Got me lots of non-verbal attention in bed though, so I guess NG was feeling mightily validated. I had fun, so can't complain.
But, the reality is that contact continues. Hey ho. We are off tonight for 4 days, looking forward to seeing what NG has lined up. Just off for a spot of visiting. Slowly
Hi Halo - Getting the other half to open up seems to stump many of us. The only times I have breakthroughs seem to be when I start by validating something he has done.
Picking the right time, place and mood seems to have a lot to do with it. And listening without offering any opinions. By the end of 3 hours last night I was EXHAUSTED, but definitely better informed. Quite frustrated at some of NG's conclusions, but I think if I had uttered a single word of dissent, the flow would have stopped
Wow. You asked for my advice on how to handle this, but I'm having a lot of conflicting thoughts.
On one hand, I have some real compassion for the other husband. I understand the driving need for him to want to keep tabs on what is going on with his W. I'm one of the few on this board who advocates snooping. My motto was "trust, but verify" although I know that for some it becomes near obsession. I found that I needed to check every so often to make sure actions were matching words. It did, so I eventually got to the point where it doesn't occur to me to snoop but every once in awhile. I've heard of quite a few cases where the betrayed spouses kept in contact for awhile to compare notes.
On the other hand, his contacting your H, and his W contacting your H feels just, well icky. You're right, it does seem to be creating a self-perpetuating situation with continuing the contact.
On the THIRD hand (LOL!) having to deal with the continuing drama seems to be wearing on your H's patience. It sounds like he's getting quite sick of it. And there you are, being the attractive alternative--which is a good place for you to be!
This is what I'd do. The next time your H complains about this, ask him if he's ready to change the phone numbers and follow that up with NO face to face contact either. They don't need YOU, they need a MC! It needs to really be HIS decision and he should be ready to do it with conviction.
