I just experienced the critical crucible weekend in my relationship that everyone who is on the PM bandwagon is currently working toward. I can't overstate the importance of what I've learned and how my relationship has grown in the last 48 hours. I'm going to do my best to relate the experience as best as I can, so bear with me if this is an exceptionally long post.
The weekend started out with a very Twilight Zone like experience. Friday night my mother-in-law (who I get along with very well) and I spent the night at a hotel with a pool with my daughter and 5 of her friends to celebrate her 13th birthday. The girls had one room and I shared the other with my mother-in-law. She is a prudish person and I was quite surprised when out of the blue she brought up the subject of her sex life with my husband's father, her ex-husband. Basically she indicated that he was a selfish, unaffectionate lover and she feels sorry for his new wife because she can't believe that he's changed very much over the years. My mother-in-law is still completely emotionally fused to this man though both of them have been in two long term relationships since their breakup 16 years ago. I just felt so sorry for her listening to her express her pain that will never end until she manages to differentiate and put that relationship behind her. Needless to say, I didn't say word one about the problems H and I are currently having.
The second major event of the weekend was also quite fantastic but in a very,very good way. Saturday afternoon, my H called from his car to say he was on his way home. We chatted for a bit and then he told me that earlier that day while he was still traveling with a co-worker, he had started thinking about one of my fantasies I had shared with him last weekend. He couldn't quite get into my plot and dialogue but the visual images it generated for him were "hot" enough that he found himself with a raging hard-on and absolutely no relief in sight while trapped on the road. I obviously was delighted beyond all words both that he had this experience and that he chose to share it with me and I was looking forward to some action that evening.
When H got home he had to shower and we all had dinner and did typical evening things with the kids. At 8:00 the kids went upstairs for a minute to move the dvd player from one tv to another. H started making out with me aggressively in the family room, then took me through our bedroom into our bath and "did" me up on the bathroom sink. It was literally fantastic in that I felt I was living out one of my favorite type fantasies. Afterward, he said "I couldn't wait until the kids went to bed and besides I was thinking if we did it now, I might be ready to go again in a few hours". This was too much, I was stunned. Nothing further happened that evening but only because we both were incredibly sleepy before the kids cleared out.
So, Sunday morning I'm still floating on cloud 9 but when H wakes up I sense a shift in the "vibe". I knew that his LD persona was gaining ascendency once again. I ignored my intuition and tried to remain hopeful. After lunch we both decided to take a nap before taking D13 to see "Mean Girls". I truly intended to just try to enjoy a nice afternoon nap with H, but as you might guess, erotic thoughts soon intruded. Working on the theory that since things had been so fantastic the previous night and he had indicated interest in more of the same, I attempted to initiate. The response I got was a gruff "Can't I get some sleep?".
I was not happy with this response, but my unhappiness was of a different quality than before my work towards differentiation. I didn't feel sexually repulsive and I didn't feel bad about wanting more sex. I was frustrated and a little angry and a lot confused. (Humorous note here: The fact that I was not in fact sexually repulsive was proven when I shortly thereafter went out to my front yard to garden and self-soothe. I live on a busy street and received sexual validation of the lowest sort in the form of two honks and one howl from the passing HD motorists. )
I eventually decided that the reason I was angry was because my H had violated the agreement we had reached regarding my need for him to be more courteous when rejecting me and also not leaving me dangling by teling me when I might expect a next encounter.
After I realized the root of my anger, I calmed down and decided I needed to confront my H about my take on the matter. I told him how I was feeling and he went ballistic. He started throwing clothes into his suitcase, yelling at me. Saying "I can't take this anymore. You're not giving me any space." and " I can't deal with this kind of confrontation every weekend. Didn't last night mean anything to you." etc.. Somehow, I remained calm. I was thinking "okay, this is a bad scene but you can't back down. The demands you've been making are not unreasonable and you are not going to be happy in this relationship if this issue is not resolved. If he leaves you, you will go through some pain but it won't be as terrible as moving forward in this relationship without growing." I didn't cry or backdown. I just calmly said to him " Are you sure my demands are so overwhelming that this is the only response you can make?" and a couple other things along similar lines.
Finally, he stopped packing and yelling. He calmed down and said " I guess I'm not really going anywhere." Big sigh of relief for me. We talked a lot and I did end up crying ,but I realized that it was okay because I was crying because I was frustrated that it wasn't just that I didn't have the words to let me let him know where exactly I was coming from. I knew I had hit the wall of "existential loneliness" and crying was an appropriate response to that realization.
The critical moment in our conversation came when H said " I just can't handle things being so complicated, if this is what you mean by achieving a higher level of intimacy, then I don't want it. I'm not equipped to deal with this level of confrontation on a regular basis"
I told him that I didn't want that either but felt that we still were on shaky ground dealing with this issue and it was no good just sweeping it under the rug.
He said " Why do there have to be all these rules governing our sex life? Why can't it bemore simple. Csn't you tell I've been making an effort.Why can't you trust me?"
And that was the key. I realized that my H knew what I wanted and he had agreed to try to please me. I simply had to trust him to do what he could in order to accomplish that. I asked myself " Can I trust him?" and then I realized the more essential question was "Will I trust him?" Did I have the faith and the will to put my trust in him to not disappoint me. I realized that if I could do that, then all the minor issues would be moot- So what if he rejects me on Saturday. I can have faith that he will meet my needs in due time.
I told him "Yes, you're right I need to trust you, I do trust you." and now I do.
We continued our intimate conversation and made love.
I really no longer feel the need to post on this board except that I feel I have the responsibility to share my success with others. Please for your own sakes read the books. Do the work. Take the risks. It will be one of the most worthwhile undertakings of your life.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yea, MoJo! Hooray for you! But please don't leave us. I know all (or most) of us really appreciate your insight. We really want to know what happens long term.
Also, you're supposed to post something on "Success Stories."
Quote: I told him how I was feeling and he went ballistic. He started throwing clothes into his suitcase, yelling at me. Saying "I can't take this anymore. You're not giving me any space." and " I can't deal with this kind of confrontation every weekend. Didn't last night mean anything to you." etc..
That is, of course, the CLASSIC response of a spouse to a bid for greater differentiation. Bravo! You handled yourself like a pro!
Quote: I really no longer feel the need to post on this board except that I feel I have the responsibility to share my success with others.
Hmmm.... "And they lived happily ever after???" Don't believe it for a moment! You'll still have your challenges, and backsliding is a real possibility. Don't be too disappointed if "happily ever after" doesn't immediately follow, lol! Just keep working at it, and post here when you need to...
Quote: "And they lived happily ever after???" Don't believe it for a moment! You'll still have your challenges, and backsliding is a real possibility.
Of course you are right, Tim. What I meant was that while lately I've been kind of compulsive in my need to post here, I no longer feel that way.
I've been thinking some more about useful advice for others. One thing I now believe to be true is this; you only need to take baby steps in this process if YOU don't feel differentiated enough to handle yourself through more than that. Everyone has to go through the "crucible" sooner or later. It's not productive to take baby steps just because you are worried about your spouse's reaction to bolder moves.
The other thing that strikes me is how true the last chapter on spirituality in PM seems now. I'm not a very religious person and I didn't really "get it" until now. It seems to me the idea of what it means to be "faithful" to your marriage has been degraded in our society. Not cheating and not leaving are not enough. You have to choose to bridge the gap of "knowing" that will always exist between two people no matter how close. You have to bridge that gap with your faith.
I think perhaps this is a good analogy for why some marriages can survive "crucible" events and others can't. If you and your partner are both strong and differentiated, you are like the supports on either side of the gap to be bridged. If you are both willing to do some work to construct some planking, you can get very close to meeting in the middle. But, the reality of our existence is you can't really bridge the gap completely, you have to take a leap of faith.
I was able to put my faith in my husband because though he has disappointed me, he has never betrayed my trust. I believe that he is at heart a "good" person and that is why I love him. If you don't believe that about your spouse, then it's as though you believe the support on the other side of the river is rotten and weak, you will never really be able to commit yourself to building the bridge if you feel that way.END OF SERMON.
P.S. I did the eyes open orgasm thing too. Guess what? My H always keeps his open!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
No, only that a deep emotional connection will tend to lead towards the spiritual. He discovered this quite by accident, and against his own scientific expectations...
Quote: No, only that a deep emotional connection will tend to lead towards the spiritual. He discovered this quite by accident, and against his own scientific expectations...
So a deep emotional connection will lead to, or become a more spiritual one? I'm not clear on what you are saying.
If you are only emotionally-connected to your spouse, then your relationship is only built on how good you make each other feel. If you are spiritually connected to your spouse, then your relationship is built on what is "good" within each of you.
This is the recent revelation of a woman who has not been inside a church except to attend weddings and funerals since the day she was confirmed and her mother let her quit.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
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