I don't think that you should have to be a "Stepford Wife" for your h to be happy with your situation. From what I understand, he wanted a stay at home wife and now he's bitching about that? You can't ask for one thing and expect another, but that is what you are dealing with again.
I think that the advice about getting at least a part time job might be a good thing to do. It will give you some independence, some financial freedom and a change for you to have some interactions with adults.
I know that you have really struggled throughout this whole situation, with more tenacity of most. Take a breather and see what you want before making any big decisions.
LL, Do you think it is possible that you two just had the expectation of the other that the fight from MD was going to carry through onto your homecoming day?
That is, you were holding out (it sounds like to me) for an apology from H, he was expecting you to still be mad at him for being a turd, etc. So in light of this, is it any surprise that there was more affection for your mother than for you? Maybe the best thing to do is to agree to disagree. For you to say to him: I thought you were taking the kiss too far; and for him to reply: I thought it was the right thing to do. And then DROP IT. Then you can have a fresh start with him. It's too bad that a stupid little fight like this had to ruin your homecoming and I realize that it wasn't you driving that train, it was him.
I think our H's are particularly sensitive to having screwed up in any way. And, speaking for my own, if he THINKS that I will be acting a certain way, then he will treat me that way until I deliver it. Sometimes I take the bait, sometimes I don't.
So what can you do at this point to get the fresh start going? I don't believe for one second that he didn't miss you or that he meant even one word of what he said to you. He was trying to get under your skin.
I don't read or post much these days, but the title of your thread caught my eye. I was soooo tired in my marriage right b4 the bomb... I remember feeling so many of the very same things you did. One of the last fights I had with H wasn't really even a fight... He asked if I was angry, I said no, I'm just so f'ing tired....
I don't know if this will be at all helpful, but, what the hey
Can you stop doing some of the things that make you tired? Can you change things so that there are more aspects of your marriage like YOU want them to be? Sure, this is dangerous. But, maintaining the status quo to keep your M together doesn't seem to be working for either of you... Forget trying to figure out H's list of demands, his needs, focus on what works for YOU???
You are tired of pretending everything is OK. -- Quit pretending, be direct about your frustration and feelings of emptiness, your sadness.
You are tired of trying to figure out how to make H feel respected. -- Quit trying. If he says you don't respect him, be direct. Tell him you do. Tell him how you show it. Ask him what would let him feel it more.
You are tired of not being treated as "his wife" --Make clear what you want, if you don't get it, quit acting like his wife. Your actions, being wifely...., put you in the position of being disappointed when you don't get what you want from him... How many quarters you gonna keep putting in the broken soda machine? Sure, you can call a repairman, but you don't keep dropping coins in the slot before he shows up....
You are tired of H expecting you to do all the changing. --That is his problem. You change all and only what you want to make you happy.
You are tired of H not changing. --Set boundaries around behavior he won't change.
You are tired of trying to figure out what brings about positive changes in H. -- Stop. His contribution to your M is his responsibility, you don't have to keep trying to engineer it. Live in the present.
You are tired of feeling like you are living in HIS house with HIS kids living on HIS money (while you are making such an unrecognized contribution). -- Stop. How? Insist on a separate bank account which is your money, get the house put in both your names, move out for awhile and get a job, let him deal with child care 50% of the time
You "do not believe all that a h need do is provide monitarily and a womans job is to cook and clean and make life comfortable for him." -- OK, so why keep going along with the deal? He can pay someone to cook and clean... You need time and space to get your own life, have fullfilling relationships (platonic is fine...), pursue your life in ways that make you happy.
You seem tired of the role he wants you to play, happy dumb little drone, etc... --Don't play it, even a little bit. Treat yourself with respect, demand respect from H.
You said: "honestly if he were to leave tommorow I'd probably breathe a sigh of relief. I'd ache for my children but not for myself...I've tried for so damn long that I'm dying inside." -- {{{{{{LL}}}}}}, this isn't good for your children, or you, or your M even. Don't leave the source of your relief in his hands.
If you do things or change things because you are trying to get him to be a certain way, or feel a certain way, or change somehow... if you do or change things with resentement... my experience is they "don't count." They can't have their desired effect, and in fact often backfire. Try living an authentic life in your M, be true to yourself alone, and see what happens... Things may shift toward the good or the bad in your M, but they will shift. Make your life work for you, let the M fall where it may.
Are you close to being a WAW? My two cents... yes and no.
No. A WAW leaves without ever making clear her unhappiness, her needs, her wishes. She swallows it all, suffocates, and quietly plans to leave. It seems to me you don't come anywhere close to meeting this criteria. Maybe your H doesn't hear you (how???), but you have made sincere efforts to communicate this stuff to him.
Yes. A WAW leaves bitter and resentful about all the stuff she did that made her unhappy and sucked the life out of her. Here, it seems to me you might be doing a little of this. If so, I think your motives are good... it seems the best way to meet his needs, to keep the M together... but, it doesn't meet your needs, the bitterness and resentfulness guarantee it won't meet his needs, and it won't keep the M together, at least a healthy M. So, I guess my point is why not at least TRY something different that won't sap your core. Try living like you want to live. In many areas, there are ways you can live that are better for you that don't depend on his actions. He may not like them, but that is his problem. I know that emotional and physical intimacy are different here. One thing to do might be to get yourself more time for close friendships and family, hold hands with a girlfriend, get a massage, go dancing... Find other ways to partially address these needs for awhile. YOU decide how long.
At that point, if you have lived your life how YOU want to live it in your M insofar as you can, if you have seen what changes this brings, if you have been direct about what it will take for you to be happy in your M, and it doesn't happen, then I don't think leaving would make you a WAW.
Quit trying to make him happy in your M, make yourself happy in your life. I know you do things for yourself. But your efforts now have to be about you totally, you need to be your priority. How would you want one of your children to live in similar circumstances? Be a model of that for them, and you will be doing your best for everyone.
Oh LL, I am so sorry for how you are feeling. You seem to be hitting a wall and banging your head against it. I know the time is near that you will either find the strength to tear it down or climb over it, rather than helping maintain it. The important thing is not to avoid it by simply turning around and walking away from it. (ugghhhh, bad writing here, but whatever, lol)
OK OK, blah blah blah. This must be so scary, hard, sad, and frustrating for you. Pardon my tone if it is abrupt or appears critical. I intend neither, but my level tactfullness bottoms out on the wrong end of the bell curve. I believe you are a strong, beautiful, smart, compassionate, passionate woman. You will find your way. Summer is coming, the sun will shine.
I'm always amazed by how many people round here stick by me! Thank you all!
What I hate?
after such tifs with the h (this one got to the point of shoving) ending with no resolution..one of us sleeping seemingly soundly in the spare bedroon (h) while the other sobs writting a letter in the kitchen (moi') without ever uttering another word about it something happens.
Now I'm not saying that all of a sudden things are just honky dory...but h has initiated physical intimacy two nights in a row (yes the very two nights following the episode in wich he called me a bitch, pshyco, and claimed to have been happy to see me go away). Of course h initiating physical intimacy IS one of the things I would like more of and I accept without hesitation or complaint but it seems much like a bandaid to me.
There are issues to be resolved and they are certainly not going to be resolved in bed and the sad thing is once I do allow the sex to make me feel better about our r (at least he's working harder at filling that ll of mine) he suddenly stops.
I dunno.
so anyway...do I still want to run? nah. would I like to take a little walk? ya am I still tired? well who the heck wouldn't be living this life.
You are not crazy. A bit depraved now and then from being deprived, but not crazy. I think alot of us understand what you are going through and hope that all of your hard work will help him see things that he needs to see.
Men, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. But sometimes we just plain don't want to have to deal with them.
Glad to see you back around these parts, but not for these reasons. I'm so sorry things are this crappy now.
I have no advice. Wish I did. Like you, I was the "good" wife in a lot of ways. Did all the laundry, did well over half of the cooking, provided most of the child care... and to boot, I brought home a substantial portion of the income, and sex was never much of a problem with my H until he got into this wild MLC/addiciton problem of his. And then I got a kick in the a$$.
So, I don't know if you should give him that letter or not. But... sometimes we need to get real with our spouses and give it to them straight. I hope things start looking up for you. Take care of yourself.
Leaving the letter for h seems to have been a good idea though I do hate the fact that things change without any words or discussions. It's just another phase in the cycle is what keeps screaming in the back of my head..he knows you are truly pissed of and tired and though doesn't want to admit it is doing some little things to assure you stay around.
Does it all fall into the "too little too late" category? at this point who knows...I'm not a real fence sitter and woulnd't easily be swept away by some other man but I do feel the need to have some important discussions about us now and then and they only seem to come in the form of fights that make matters worse no matter how I approach the "argument"
Hi LL - I've been lurking on your thread for a while, just don't know what to say. I respect your strength in hanging in thus far, and just add you to my prayers. At the end of the day, the most important things is to be happy, right? Sending you a big hug. Slowly
been lurking on your thread for a while, but never posted.
I can't really understand why your staying in the relationship if your so miserable all the time. Why don't you just dump him, move on, and be happy with your life. He's not giving you what you want, and probably never will. Seems like your a high maintanence woman, who is stuck with a man that doesn't have much to give. Both of you are miserable, from what you always have to say, so what's the point?
The kids will get over it. Probably better than them seeing you being so unhappy all of the time. He'll never satisfy you, no matter what he does it won't be enough. Get a dog. Their much easier to take care of.
