Hello Piecing Friends, This is my new thread to reflect that after six weeks of visiting, my W has announced her intent to return back to our home. She has returned to Florida to pick-up the cats and her items. She originally was in town for a visit, but something happened to change her mind.
Here are some basics of my situation: Married 10 years, separated 7 months, piecing 1 month. W 44 me 44. 0 children, 2 cats.
She has become interested in starting various home improvement projects--decorating the bathroom, painting the master bedroom, and others. She always was the leader in such projects, and welcome her retaking that role.
Our conversations have been mostly cordial and light, with some tentative entry into aspects of the separation, such as the financial agreement. I'm not going to push too hard for her to sign the agreement at this time. I think it would be adverse to creating a fertile ground for the relationship to recover.
I think it's important for her to continue with a respite from working for now. I can manage the household expenses with my salary. I want her to work because she wants to, to the extent she is able to, and to choose something that is enjoyable.
The sex issue will need to be addressed at some point. I think we should try initially to resolve it on our own, versus going to a therapist. It will be important to have realistic expectations about the quality of sex, as we try to develop compatability.
The Florida issue shouldn't be too difficult to negotiate. The problem is her difficulty in tolerating the temperature during the Ohio winter months. I would propose that she move to Florida for 4-8 weeks during the winter. She was living in Florida rather inexpensively, by sharing a house, renting a bedroom, and sharing expenses. It doesn't make sense to uproot our lives, sell a house we enjoy and is a good investment, move away from our families, for a problem that occurs 25% of the year. She needs to compromise also.
It's possible she can change her mind, once she's in Florida, and stay again. We'll see. I'm expecting for now the opportunity to try again at working-thru our problems.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL - This is great news. Sounds like you have thought through your approach on issues that are likely to come up. How do you feel about her move back? Slowly
Slowly and Piecing Friends, I find myself increasingly welcoming the opportunity to reconcile. I'm beginning to think the separation may be just what the relationship needed.
If there was an EA early in the separation, it has likely ended long ago. I'm more concerned about health issues, and how to manage family curiosity about the issue. I would want to know that she has no STD's prior to our resuming sexual relations. I don't think there's an easy way to express my concern regarding this, but feel it's fair for me to set limits.
I will have to be realistic that some of my family's relationships with her will be strained for a period-of-time. It will be important that I show support for the marriage during this time, and avoid discussing details with family members to satisfy their curiosity regarding matters such as--finances, EA, marital problems.
I continue to be reluctant about inviting my W to the bi-annual family reunion in June. They would be civil to her, but I fear it would be strained. She feels excluded, that I'm advocating for her not to go, but her judgment seems off about my parent's reaction to the separation. I'm offering a long-weekend alternative we can do, prior to my going to the family reunion.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, My W left a message today confirming that she is still planning on returning home. She will spend a family vacation on the east coast, starting next weekend. The following week, she will return to Florida to fly the two cats home. She will drive home.
In her message, she also stated how much she missed her friends, me, and doing fun things together. Her only complaint is that the weather is colder in Ohio, otherwise she likes living here.
We talked about taking a long weekend trip to NC sometime in June, as an alternative to her attending my family's reunion in SC. After the long weekend, I would join my family in SC, and she would fly back to Ohio. I still think it's too soon to put her in a house with my family for a week, on a resort. She always went in past years out of obligation, so now she has an alibi to not attend. I think it's the right decision.
I'm increasingly "warming-up" to the idea of a reconciliation. We had a very good recent six week visit. It was during the visit that she saw the positives that she was missing in her life, and stated that she does not want to pursue a D.
It's going to be an interesting summer!
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm having second thoughts about my W attending the family reunion in June. I was originally thinking it would not be a good idea for her to be around my family for almost a week. I thought it might be too awkward for everyone.
I need to be careful not to decide for her out of my own discomfort. My family has been good about boundaries and treats this as my private issue. Our marital problems would not be a topic of group discussion during the trip. I will see what my W thinks. The conflict avoider in me would prefer that she decide not to go, but the right decision is one in which the relationship is enriched.
Another issue is my concern for how much she drained her retirement assets and savings during the seven month separation. I don't have a dollar figure, but it's likely 10-20K. I'm going to have to work to keep quiet about this issue. It's not a priority at this time. She likely feels justified spending the money. Maybe I need a different perspective on this issue.
People often ask me why I don't seem angry. The money issue seems to be the one that prompts anger. I've been able to contain it so far. I'll need to figure-out how to eventually let this issue go.
It's going to be an interesting summer!
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Rottzilla and Piecing Friends, Thanks for the validation. I'm feeling connected and centered after meeting with my church discussion group. An acquaintance and I discussed taking walks around the park where he lives. It's important that I make new connections, whether my M works out or not. This is an area I neglected in the years prior to the separation. I overly relied on career, formal volunteer roles, and my M to meet my needs. This separation has been a catalyst to work on my personal life.
A member of the group asked me how I was doing with the separation. I was perplexed when he asked me what my needs were regarding the M. I think some of my needs were met during the M. What was missing was having a spouse who is happy with her life. I'm willing to give her the freedom to create a life for herself that might make her happy--part-time work, winter vacations in Florida, etc.. I'm also willing to D and let her move to Florida, to start a life for herself. I'm increasingly certain that I don't want to move to Florida--this is where we would part ways.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL - Your sense of peace comes through the posts so clearly, it is so nice to see this.
Quote: It's important that I make new connections, whether my M works out or not. This is an area I neglected in the years prior to the separation. I overly relied on career, formal volunteer roles, and my M to meet my needs. This separation has been a catalyst to work on my personal life.
This seems to be a common thread amongst us here - the fact that we have in the past neglected ourselves. Good for you. There is so much joy in sharing time with good friends.
Listener, I just found your thread and need to read your other links but I figured I'd just ask here. What did you do during your sep? How did you act and maitain contact with your w? I too am sep with h being gone just over 5 months but I have to see him all the time due to the fact that we have d(11). But still, now that he has his freedom in his bachelor pad, I have no idea how to lure him home. He loves his space and alone time and right now would not give that up to come back to me due to the fact that he thinks he no longer loves me. How can he find out if he loves me if he spends more time alone than with me? We haven't been intimate since Easter Sunday and that day was wonderful and affectionate but the next day he told me not to tell anyone he had spent the night. He said it "could be taken a lot of different ways" whatever that means. I think he didn't want me to tell his mom and get her hopes up and he didn't want anyone to think he had used me. There is no ow.
