I was terrified, broke, no job, with two very small children and had to leave an highly abusive situation or I would be another sorry statistic for women killed by their SO's.
You can leave but it will be very tough to do. Please find a women's shelter in your area and ask for help and advice. They were a Godsend to me when I really needed help. I think of you frequently as I uderstand what you are dealing with. Please get out for your sake and for the kids. They do not need to be around this man, especially if he is abusing porn as he is. He may begin to abuse the kids as an extension of the porn and that will be horrible to deal with. Please get out.
Is it just that you are scared to leave, or do you have other reasons for wanting to stay? You say that you love your SO. Are there ways that he shows love to you?
Is it only in the sexual arena that he is not willing to be open to you? What does the rest of your life together look like?
Quote: I think some members here have made a pretty clear case that you are in a very abusive situation.
The word "abusive" can mean at least four completely different things...
"Abuse" can refer to sexual abuse, or to wife battering. These are dangerous situations where the person being abused should try to get out of the situation quickly.
"Abuse" can refer to insulting or coarse words. This is a problem - to me, it really is abusive - but not dangerous in the same sense. My wife was abusive in this way for many, many years, belittling and insulting me regularly, and it has been wonderful to see her change completely on this front.
These are the ways that my dictionary talks about abusing people. When it comes to abusing things, it just mean "improper or wrongful use," as in "abusive use of public funds." This is more the kind of abuse that Aloma has experienced - she has been used in a wrongful way, not in the sense of forced sex, but in the sense of just being plain rude. But sometimes people do change and learn not to be so darn rude.
Jon, she has posted about her sitch. Her SO is a drug and porn addict. He has also been physically intimidating to her, when she was once trying to leave the house with her young one, he came out and wouldn't let her leave. He shuts himself up with his computer porn and completely ignores her. He is beyond rude and selfish, he also messes with her mind. That he would presume to speak for "all men" offends me to the limit.
Quote: Also, what should I really believe about how he feels about me? His actions or his words?
Alorna, honey... please do yourself and your little one a favour and get away from this creep. The best advice I can give to you in regards to your quote above, is this: Believe how he feels about you by how he makes you feel about yourself. You do not deserve to be treated this way and your son does not need him to be his example. PLEASE be strong and true to yourself. It's easier said than done, but from what you've posted on this board, he needs a huge wake up call and you are not obligated in any way (to your son) to continue living with such pain and degradation. Leave and *if* he cleans up his act and proves himself worthy, then you'll have a choice to make... otherwise, live your life and show your son that women are not doormats to be pissed on.
Quote: I think I'm to the point that I'm scared to leave...I don't know how I got here, but I have. I love my SO, but I know this is not good situation.
What are you scared of? Financial hardship? Your safety? A custody battle? You need to look at why you love someone who treats you this way... and you need to look at why you're accepting it and fearing life without it. PLEASE sweetheart... call a women's shelter just to talk to someone and see what your options are. You are not as alone as you may feel and there are resources out there to help you get away from him, safely and with dignity.
You can do it! Be firm and know that you deserve better.
Alorna: I've been following your sitch for awhile and I agree with the others that it's time to fish or cut bait. If you don't really care what he does to you, at least get your child out of there.
I had a friend whose live-in girlfriend called my friend's son a "loser." He was telling me about this and I said to him, "you know, but not kicking her out, you're basically telling your son that you agree with her, that he's a loser." That was a deciding moment for him.
So, alorna, what are you telling your kid by staying with this worthless, thoughtless, abusive, a$$hole? 1) that your child doesn't deserve a better father figure. 2) that your child's mom doesn't deserve a better partner. 3) that abusive situations like this are par for the course so don't expect anything else out of life.
And so it goes, from generation to generation.
Stop being so selfish and do something in the best interests of your child for a change.
Hairdog - harsh, but 20 percent less harsh than Dr. Laura.
I hate to pile on, but that's total bullchit. Sure, as a guy, PHYSIOLOGICALLY my body has its "refractory" period, just like anyone else, and I'm not as horny (nor NEARLY as kinky) as I was moments before my "O."
But as a loving husband, I have always felt it my obligation to try to help my wife "get there" if I "get there" first.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
Sounds like you know all this already, and it DEFINITELY sounds like this goes way beyond the bed.
Pray for strength, and do the right thing by you and your child.
i haven't been able to get online lately. my SO has not let me on the computer for a few days. i'm on now because he's at work... i'm doing ok. i'd like to be better than that though. i appreciate all the replies. it helps me to better determine how this relationship is going to be. thank you.
He is further cutting you off from other people, Alorna. Have you checked into a women's shelter, yet? It's much better to have some knowledge right now so you can think rather than waiting for a crisis.
Be very careful, and I am thinking of you. Thanks for checking in. I keep hoping for better news each time I see you post, but I only see things getting worse.
