I'm starting this thread for HDWs like Honeypot and myself who are at the stage of the process where they're starting to get some of the frequency and types of sex they want but things are still not ideal or possibly in danger of slipping again.
Please post suggestions and questions here that will help either possibly get our LDHs going or maybe bring them back for more a little sooner than usual.Don't be afraid to be creative . Techniques, ideas for arousal, ways to expand sexual consciousness (like keeping eyes open or verbalizing) etc.
I would be especially interested in seductive moves that could be accomplished without having to worry about my adolescent children being around.
Ideas and feedback from HDHs would be appreciated also, but feel free to avoid this thread if it seems too provocative.
I'll start things off:
Tip #1: If you can get him in a private spot with his eyes open, starting to masturbate in front of your spouse will certainly get a reaction. Unfortunately it might be annoyance.
Question #1: I suggested the following to my H and didn't get a very favorable response. Can someone tell me why?
Suggestion:
Sit on the edge of the bed with your feet up on the dresser (all furniture is padded). I'll straddle you daddy-long-legs style and lay back along your legs. Manually stimulate me until I'm about to orgasm. When you sense I'm about to orgasm, drop your legs off the dresser so that my head and upper body swing down through the air as I come.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Um. Hmm... Sorry... I'm having REAL trouble even visualizing that... what's in it for HIM??
I'm sure that must have been his reaction too... sorry Mojo, but, why would you suggest that when you're wanting more sex with him? I can see how him stimulating you could be intimate, but overall it simply seems like a stunt to compete with any porn he likes - IMHO. Or was this just shock value for the sex starved folk here?
Quote: I would be especially interested in seductive moves that could be accomplished without having to worry about my adolescent children being around.
I'm confused because the two "tips" offered aren't things that could be done with kids around. I seem to recall you mentioning that you had Lou Paget's book, How to Be a Great Lover. While many readers of that book probably go directly to the sections on different techniques, there's a lot of good information in the other chapters (I'd start at the beginning and read through to the end) on seducing men and on things that turn them on (for example, eating an ice cream cone unselfconsciously, NOT exaggerating it to be a sexual move).
My personal observation (based on what my husband and other men have told me) is that many men are actually turned off by overt sexual moves outside the bedroom especially if they're doing something else at the time and aren't feeling sexually starved. It almost feels like nagging in some cases (remember Mr. and Mrs. Roper on the old TV show, Three's Company). Some men also prefer to feel like they're doing the pursuing most of the time. Also, the men I've known prefer not to feel as though they're merely instruments to scratch an itch or to take care of a physical need. They want to know that your desire is for them, not just a body part, and that they're the ones, and the only ones, who can really turn you on and get you purring. I've also learned that many men can get turned on by porn with its anonymous women but that isn't necessarily an indication of what they want their wives and girlfriends to do.
I also agree with Tim and Aquarian about "tip #2". What's in it for him (it also seems as though this could be quite uncomfortable for his legs)?
My experience with my husband, who's not LD, and former lovers, is that different things turn on different men. My husband, for example, is more attuned to touch and smell so I wear the perfume he likes best on me and keep my skin very soft along with wearing silk. I also know his secondary erogenous zones, such as his feet and the back of his neck, which I can rub and caress even in front of the kids.
In her books and tapes, Michele talks about thinking back to what worked and to keep doing that, and also to stop doing things that don't work. That's terrific advice. I believe that often we get into a mindset where we think that another person SHOULD react a certain way based on how we feel, or what we've read, or how somebody else responded.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Quote: many men are actually turned off by overt sexual moves outside the bedroom
I guess the reason I'm looking for more blatant moves is that my H has indicated that he really needs me to "bring it on" in order to get him aroused. He does not cuddle or like to be touched non-sexually and prefers visual stimulation, though sometimes I can say something that will get him going.
Quote: Some men also prefer to feel like they're doing the pursuing most of the time
When I've proceeded as though this were true, I've waited weeks and weeks for anything to happen.
Quote: They want to know that your desire is for them, not just a body part, and that they're the ones, and the only ones, who can really turn you on and get you purring
I think I've made it very clear to my H that he is a great lover and the star of all my erotic fantasies. I think taking this point too far might be just a tad dishonest. Though I am monogamously "in lust" with my H right now, does that mean I don't think any other man could ever turn me on? I prefer to be in a more "differentiated" mind set in which we both know we have other options but we "choose" to be with each other.
Actually I don't see myself being happy indefinitely in this phase we seem to be in now. Just not being rejected when I'm blatantly seductive is not good enough as far as I'm concerned. I "want to be wanted" and I know that I'm worth it. I just hope my H realizes that before it's too late because unlike some others who post on this site, I have no deep moral qualms about divorcing. I love my H and that's what's driving me to do absolutely everything I can to keep this relationship together, but if I get to the point where it's clear that my H is unwilling to grow in the relationship, I'm done.
P.S.
Stanley Roeper is clearly hopelessly LD (he doesn't even want other people having sex in his building) and Mrs.Roeper would probably be better off with Grandpa Walton or Fred Sanford.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo, let me take a stab at giving a better response to your question. I'm afraid all I gave you was an initial reaction, probably not too different from your H - not terribly helpful.
What this looks like to me is something you would very much want, but what it seems like it would amount to is a huge favor your H can do for YOU. I'm still having trouble seeing it, but it seems like it would have very little erotic payback for HIM. So this would be the type of thing that Michele refers to as "real giving" - he doesn't have to understand it, or even enjoy it, but it would be something he could do for you that you would really enjoy. Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't sound to me like he's at the stage yet where he would even be really capable of "real giving" - he's more likely to see it as a "demand" on him, and he's not likely to "be in the mood" for something like that at this point. In addition, it sounds like a fairly complicated thing logistically, so he may even be afraid of it in terms of being able to "do it right". It also requires him to know when you're about to come. I assume you would be very vocal about that and not make him "read you" - which could be pretty difficult. I know I can never "tell" when W is at or near that point.
So I guess I'm thinking that this is something best saved for sometime down the road, when the frequency is higher, and there is more intimacy between the two of you. This kind of thing COULD be pretty intimate and erotic, IF you have a good strong emotional connection... it would come under the heading of him "doing" you. If the EC is really strong, you could probably also "do" HIM at the same time. I think that's where you're headed with this, but I think it'll take a bit more time to get there. You also might consider working up to it - maybe starting with the first part where you "assume the position" and he stimulates you to O, and then you make "mad passionate love" to him normally. Then, as he gains a bit of confidence with the early portion of the "move", you show him how you'd want it to end...
Just a couple of thoughts. Again, I apologize for my earlier (non-) response...
Actually your first response was very helpful because it made me think my H was probably somewhat confused by my request.
As to the question of what's in it for him, I know he likes novel sorts of visual images so I thought he might enjoy seeing me hanging upside down naked. Also once he's actually aroused into sex mode, he likes "doing" me and knows from experience that if he did something like that for me, I would certainly follow up by giving him head.
It might just be too complicated. Probably what I should aim for to get that sensation is maybe doing it in a swing sometime.
Really my H would probably be "game" for just about anything I suggested once I've managed to get him in bed.I just don't understand why it's so hard to get him there when we usually have such a good time. I also don't understand why some of the things I do or suggest don't help him remember how much fun we can have. I sincerely doubt that I am deluding myself about how much he enjoys the actual experience once he's into it. He flushes, moans, takes the Lord's name in vain etc. and afterwards he'll say things like "Whew, that was fantastic!" He's not that good of an actor and not courteous enough to fake it anyways.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Think about the position they are in, as men. Not only do they SUSPECT they are inadequate lovers, they are absolutely correct in this suspicion and have been told this by their wives. That can't feel good regardless of whether it is the truth or not. To know that you are not even beginning to satisfy your mate has to be a serious bummer. I think the more they focus on this aspect (no matter how much I give, it is never enough for her) the more disinterested and unmotivated they become.
So if we were married to hd guys, the masturbate in front of them trick would send them through the roof because there is no way that they would be intimidated by that or have any other reaction than, Damn she is hot. Our guys on the other hand, would immediately be besieged with thoughts of "She wouldn't even want to do that if I were taking care of her" or "How often does she do that b/c I'm not satisfying her?" etc.
They don't think like HD men because we don't TREAT them like hd men! I would never fawn all over H and tell him that he just wears me out, etc, because it isn't true. I am very complimentary to him but I don't fib.
So I think that there are areas that, rather than turning him on, instead cause him to think about how he is not performing.
In addition, I think that while your H is saying that he wants more overt action, his idea of overt and seductive might be totally different than yours. To him, seduction might be talking to him, whispering in his ear, crawling across the bed towards him...as opposed to the more scary (to him) versions where you are asking for pretty technical sex moves or masturbating in front of him as a form of seduction.
Don't get me wrong..there is room in a marriage for BOTH of your preferences and you will have to negotiate that for yourselves, but I was simply answering the "why would he do that?" question.
Oh, and one more thing..I have no idea if your H is like this but mine reacts much better to me saying what I want in a 'fantasy' type setting. That is, I would tell him that I wanted to masturbate in front of him and then describe in gory detail what I would do to myself. This would get him going much faster and effectively than actually DOING it in front of him. I suppose because it allows him to perpetuate the idea that he is satisfying me...if it is just a fantasy, then it is not an ACTION that screams to him that I have a need to do this. It is just something I wanted to play around with and get him revved up with.
Finally, a way that our H's are different. I can get mine in bed quite easily but there is VERY little variation and he is not up for games or trying new things. He is a prude and will balk at anything even remotely wild.
I just realized what I wrote in this last post. "I can get mine in bed quite easily..."
That is not entirely true! He is WILLING for sex quite often but it is not, I repeat NOT, anything that I do or don't do. So me saying that I can get him there was absolutely false. I realized what I had written after posting it.
. Techniques, ideas for arousal, ways to expand sexual consciousness (like keeping eyes open or verbalizing) etc.
I can see how him stimulating you could be intimate, but overall it simply seems like a stunt to compete with any porn he likes - IMHO. Or was this just shock value for the sex starved folk here? 