Hello. I have one final hurdle to tackle to be able to say that I have successfully DB'd my marriage. Long story short, married 27 years, 2 kids. H had 3 affairs during marriage, with last one causing him to leave our home, move in with OW and create a "family" with her and her son. (she was a co-worker). I was blindsided, knew we were in some trouble but would have bet my life, H would never cheat. Fast forward to two years later and H is home, over his mid life confusion, had many counseling sessions regarding why he had the need to cheat, etc. We are in a good place, with one exception. Our sex life. It is few and far between. He has some difficulty completing the process, he cant finish sometimes, but that has gotten better when we do attempt to ML. The rejection and humliation are devestating. I have heard every excuse in the book from "you are not attractive to me" (which has been dealt with and I have gone back to gym and good eating habits) to " i am just too stressed and preoccupied with my school work" (I knew he needed to be away from co-worker, So I offered to let him quit his 25++ year job and go back to school for teaching credentials, he has been in school now for 2 ++ years and does not work) or "I am too tired". He said he would never reject me again, but If I try and touch him, he will move my hand away, turn away or make it completely obvious he is not interested. Only occasionally will he accept my advances and he rarely inititates. It is not enough for me. It is especially hard knowing he was very active with these other women. He has also told me recently (after 27 years he is now getting to this) that he finds kissing undesirable and he will not say ILY. I did not do all this work to settle for less than he is willing to give his flings. I have tried patience, clothing, inititating and many other things, he just isnt interested. Now he is giving hints to not expect anything from him in the ML dept. while he is going thru finals. Every month there is an excuse. When I finally get to the end of my rope or we discuss in counseling, he promises he is working on it. I need help. Does anyone have any suggestions for me. I dont want to quit now, but I cant live with all this doubt that I am being lied to and he just does not want me and is only home for the financial assistance and our sons (they were not kind to H when he was gone). Please help me. What are the reasons when a man rejects a woman almost constantly. Should I just back all the way off? I am afraid if I do this we may never have sex again.
When I look back over our marriage, the only times we had trouble (hindsight) was when he was involved with someone else. (the first OW was my former best friend, the other two were co-workers, who helped him believe he deserved better than me a better life than what we had) I just dont know what to think, is he lying again and just does not want me? There is no OW now (he is completley open to me re: phone records, e-mail, etc) and has improved all other areas of our relationship 110%, when I try and talk to him about this is it always, dont worry, it will get better. Maybe because I am 8 years older than his OW and heavier (but working on it and if fact, it is H who is now out of shape, when he was with OW, he was in the best shape of his life). What do you think? Any guys out there who can offer me some feedback?
Debra, at the risk of sounding like a broken record (you may not have read my other posts), and at the risk of getting banned from this forum, I have to say that the best book by far I've read on this subject is "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. Michele's book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" speaks from the same sort of philosophy, but PM goes into far more depth on the theory and dynamics of marriage. Read this book and you will understand plenty! I'm not saying it will fix your problems, but you will certainly gain a huge understanding of what is at work, and you may get several ideas for how to proceed. Your H sounds like a heel to me...(just mho)
Boy do I undertand your pain. My situation is different, I am not married. I am engaged. I am 32, we have no children. But the pain and rejection you are feeling I understand. My Fiancee was my lover 12 years ago and after we broke up he spent over a decade trying to woo me back from 3000 miles away. A year ago, he finally won me over again and now I feel he is not attracted to me. He never touches me. Our sex life before was electric, now it is practically non-existenet. I have not changed that much physically in 12 years and I am very confused about his rejection. He tells me ILY every day. He buys me gifts. He brags about me to his friends and family but when it comes to LM - I'm out in the cold. I have been talking to him about it ever since we got back together and have heard every excuse you can think. yesterday morning, he woke up with an erection and we were cuddling. When I tried to touch him he practically pushed me off of him. This led to tears and I told him I feel like everytime I touch him I'm raping him. He got angry and went downstairs. A couple of hours later he said he would fix things, that he loves me. Last night when we were in bed, he told me takle my clothes off and started rubbing me but when I tried to kiss him he turned his cheek and pretended to fall asleep. This prompted more tears and I explained in a very sincere and loving way how I feel - like I am a starving person living at 5 star restaurant and all I can do is smell and look but not eat. I asked him what he was willing to do and he said he would make it a priorty. This morning, he started touching me, teasing me and as soon as I started to respond, he jumped out of bed and began to do his crossword puzzle. I told him the SSM book last night and had printed the first chapter for him. When I came down this morning, it was put off to the side with my things. I asked him if he read it and he said "Oh that's for you". I feel insane and hurt and angry. Everyother part of our lives is pretty good. I feel like he is manipulating me and torturing me on purpose. I feel for you and didn't know that people could be in so much pain and lonliness in a love relationship until I became involved in this one. I know I am attractive but he has made me feel like I am damaged in some way.
Crissy, Why not set some clear boundaries with him?
That is, tell him that he is not allowed to touch you in a suggestive way unless he wants to continue things--that touching you and getting you aroused and then jumping out of bed must stop. Or suggest that he only touch non-erogenous zones so that you both are on the same page as far as what his intentions are. I know that you, being an HD female, will probably still become aroused but at least you will be clear on what he is doing.
Yes, sometimes I too think my H is not a very nice person and that I am being taken for a ride, but every now and then, the old H comes back and gives me hope that one day he will stay for good. Like I said before, he has made huge strides in improving our relationship in every other area, just not this one. Does anyone have any ideas as to why this could be happening? Sometimes I think it is the guilt other times that he is home and committed to this marriage but for because he thinks it is the right thing to do and not because he truly wants to be with me. He has guilt from the affairs and guilt because I am supporting him. How hard is it to have sex with your wife once or twice a week? We do go to counseling, but he continues to just respond when this topic is brought up with the "I am working on it" response. HUH? He just gets so wound up in whatever he is doing, such a school work or making surfboards or whatever that he cannot see that life is going on with out him. Yes he used to be depressed when he first came home, but I dont see that any more, just this lack of interest in me in a sexual way. Crissy: I really can feel empathy for you, this is a rough road we have both chosen to travel. Why cant they just be honest and tell us what is going on?????
Quote: What are the reasons when a man rejects a woman almost constantly
I'm sorry but I can't relate and can't tell you. But, there may be someone who can. Yeah. Him.
"I'm working on it." What does that mean? You're going nuts and that's the best he can do? Don't just let it slide. You want to know, in detail, what he is doing about it and/or what he's going to do about it. You've allowed him not to answer your question for too long. We can't answer it - only he can.
I'll bet he's being evasive for a reason. Likely hiding something or protecting you from something or both. It could hit you pretty hard should he actually answer it.
And, what good is a counselor who continually lets him get away with "I'm working on it"? If it's a surprise, leave the room and let him tell the therapist alone.
My W makes no bones about it. She just flat out says she's not interested, doesn't know if she'll ever be interested and really comes across as though she doesn't care. Just when you think a relationship has stabilized...
Have you considered hiring a hitman to kidnap him and chain him to a chair? Then you can apply the thumb screws and MAKE him talk (we have ways!) Go ahead and tell me you've never thought of that!
Go ahead and tell me you've never thought of that! 