betsey, you are indeed an inspiration - my thoughts are with you today - i didn't think you would hear back so soon on the letter - but i am glad you did
please don't be anxious about the outcome ... i am carrying that burden for you
Betsey, just wanted to pop in to say I thought your letter to Mr. Wonderful was beautiful and thanks for sharing it with us. The written assignment part was so very good.
I do hope you get a well thought out response SOON, and well I'll admit I'm a sap for happy endings... Hugs, -H2H
I wanted to comment on this OP thing a bit more because I think maybe my post wasn't clear as to the meaning.
Quote: But, isn't blaming the OP simply a way of justifying the actions of your spouse?
I think it can be, if you're not giving the spouse the proper responsibility for their share, sure. I don't think an A is any less 50%-50% than any other R/interaction.
Quote: Sure, you see first hand that the spouse is sorry or wants to reconcile or whatever...No one really knows what the OP is thinking in most cases.
I'd make the case that we don't know what either of them is thinking. We only have their actions and words to go on. Also that each sitch has differences in that regard. I'm sure some OPs feel badly. Others say they feel badly while continuing the same behavior. Same with spouses.
But many times, they chose to be involved in another person's M... it is 100% each person's decision whether to get into that kind of R.
I have been faced with similar decisions and could not imagine justifying hurting someone in that way. But some people can and sometimes maybe it's because they're hurting themselves.
All I was saying is that when it's so off the table for you individually, it's often very hard to process the idea that for other people it's not (that is if they are the ones doing it and not being "done to").
you know, i was just gonna let this go, but i said, no, i have to come back here and say something
betsey told me i was on a roll today, so here goes
as most people know here I WAS A WALK AWAY WIFE - with my first husband - yup, i upped and walked away from my first marriage - hook line and sinker - had an affair and everything (he was single tho)
was i hurting? damn straight i was hurting - in fact i was classic - you read all the things that michelle says causes walk aways, i was it all
i look back at that period of my life and i cannot believe i was even that person. i cannot believe i was so selfish with my own feelings that i didn't stop to consider the thoughts of my husband. i cannot believe that i would have committed ADULTERY and messed the life of the human being i promised to love, honor and obey 11 years earlier
until you are EVER in that situation - you cannot possibly know how it feels to be the walkaway - you cannot possibly begin to understand the remourse, the regret, the unforgiveable attitude you have with yourself - and the reasons you feel you were justified in doing what you did
cause remember, those feelings are REAL - you don't just wake up one day and say, hey, i think i am gonna make such and such person miserable today by having an affair and then walking out on them
so you (and i) have to LET GO of the anger, let go of the resentment and let go of the bitterness - with the op and the mate - because until you walk a mile in their shoes, you have no right to say whether you would do or not do the same thing given the same circumstances in your life
i am NOT pointing fingers at anyone here - i am passionate about this yes, because i have been on both sides of this fence, so i know what both sides feel like
and let me tell you - the guilt is worse...
sorry, i just had to add my two cents ... actually, no, i am not sorry, i felt it was needed - i am sorry tho that i didn't handle it more delicately
I have weighted this in my mind.I let it roll around in my head. And have given it much thought.
As a left behind spouse I have strong feelings of anger towards my spouse naturally.He is the one who decided to go somewhere to get his needs met.Needs I was more than willing to meet.But was never given the chance.Not even asked.I'm working on forgiveness but I'm not there yet.I'm not sure I will ever be there completety.I'm a work in progress.
And as the wife of the man this woman is having an affair with I have so much anger towards her.Lets say you go out tonight and you left your front door unlocked and someone saw this weakness in your security system and walked right in and stole everything you held dear.While you shoudn't have left the door unlocked it still wasn't an ivitation to come on in a help themselves to what was yours.My marriage was mine and my husbands.Not this stranger.She has no right to be in it.
And I can say yes I do know what I would have done if it was me. I hold myself up to a very high standard.I know for a fact I would not do this.Maybe it was the way I was raised.Or it could be I'm a feminist and I believe we woman should help each other not hurt each other.I believe if I were to sleep with anothers husband I would be betrying my gender.I don't care what she is feeling.She has loose standard.I have never slept with a married man.And I never will.
And as the wife of the man who is having an affair I'm trying very hard to put myself in his shoes.But the fact of the matter I still have a hard time understanding the affair.And while I understand having needs and wanting to get them filled.I don't understand leaving my children under any circumstances for another.Breaking my spouses heart or hurting my children.I can understand the sneaking around filling carnal needs.But to willfully destroy my family.Maybe it is my mother instints.Or maybe I'm more sane than my husband.Maybe it is a weakness in him.I don't know.I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around this.It could be I'm not ready to deal with it.
I think anger has to dissipate before I can be compassionate towards her.I know right know I can not be.
Right now I feel she is very lucky to live 2000 miles away.I'm afraid of my anger towards her.I believe if she lived near me I would have hurt her.My anger has gone down enough she is safe.
I don't believe I will ever forgive her.I don't even want to.If some harm were to come to her I would be dancing in the street.
I know it will be in Gods plan for me to forgive her one day.When he is ready for me to forgive her he will give me the strength.Right now I neither have the strength or desire to.I'm still picking up the pieces from what feels like a robbery.
I hope I haven't angered anyone.But the fact is everyone has a different way of dealing with what the affair has done to them.
No one understands the emotional mutilation that is suffered by the innocent ones.The left behind and the children.I did not ask this woman to try to take my rightful place.
My children cry for there father and this woman is taking him away from us.I know if it wasn't her it would be another.Here is the thing. If it was another I would be just as angry at her.Woman like this are everywhere.And they are not to be pitied.They are to be despised.Woman are always protrayed as back stabbing bitches.And it is woman like these who play the roll well.
I hope I didn't step on any toes.But lately I have been holding in my anger towards this woman.
Later Friends. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
It's easier to blame the OP, your mate, whoever. I had my faults in the break down of our M, just as my H did. We didn't know how to communicate our pain, yet were looking to each other to fix it. I was emotionally shut down, turned off from my H. I was so unhappy that in my mind I thought if H had an A, that would be the reason I needed to get out of the hell that I was in, the depression, the deadness of my feelings for H..our M. then it happened and my oh my it was nothing like I expected and I didn't do the expected--D my H. I wanted our M more than I wanted anything else. I even "considered" having an A myself, but didn't follow through with it. A man that worked in my dept. said good morning to me every day with a genuine smile. He was married and had no clue I was interested or my thoughts about him...as we never talked.
H leaving was the boot in the butt that I needed to take a good look at myself and change myself, change my life...and it worked. And, believe it or not, I am thankful and even thanked my H at one point.
Here I am today a better person, a kinder, happier person. I love my H more than I thought possible--unconditionally and we're struggling to put our M back together.
I don't know why I put this all here, but KK I loved your honesty and thank you for sharing.
