thanks for stopping by my thread so much...it's nice to know people are listening to my rantings and questions and/or comments sometimes make me think differently about things.
So, in taking a glimpse over your thread it appears that your h is still not home and still playing the "I don't want to be with you card" acting a little strange? possibly persuing you?
If what you are doing now is working I'd not change it yet...don't start calling him unless the absolute need arises (and that should only be an emergency with the kids) continue to be pleasent and mysterious with him...for some reason they like this crap though it confuses the hell out of them. Don't worry that he'll get the wrong message he knows who you are and what you want stating so or asking his intentions again may just set his aparent interest off again.
I went through a similar stage before my h returned...I called him silly monkee (think there's a thread of mine with that title floating around in cyberspace) the random calls just kept comming and comming...sometimes I'd answer sometimes I wouldn't.
There comes a point when we have to realize that it's our game just as much if not more than it is theirs. We have more control over the situation than we at times think. In the end though they may have been the one to initially walk out and/or find op...we do have our say in how things go.
My H has always been a little insecure and I can remember 6 years ago when I staarted this job that he hated the R I had with a male supervisor. I use to mention everthing we did to amke him comfortable. Our team consist of 4 woman and 1 man. He is married. He is anice guy. HE is now way near my type. I even invited him and w to a beef and beer that MIL had. My H was very rude. He wouldn't even talk to them. My co-worker would call me and ask me work related questions or if I were out to give me an update. We laugh a little but that is it. I also call his house. His wife is very polite. My h went ballistic saying that he knows the mann is only being nice beacause he want s me and I am to stop all contact. Well' we have been co-workers/friends for 6 years and we have no interest in each other. I thought it was stupid and embarassing to say don't call H is jealous???????????? Well, H had been gone about 2 mos and checked cell ,saw his # and said, youare still doing what I asked you not to do!!!!!!!!!! All the while I am sayiing this is so foolish. Then I put myself in his shoes. Would I want im having a R like that? Would I feel safe? I immediately realized that his feelings of insecurity all though unfounded should have been validated and addressed. This all in hindsight. I immediately told co-worker do not call for any reason. I should have done it sonner but I really didn't see it as a big deal.He told my bestfriend after he left that he hates the guy on my job and I couldn't see alterior motive! She assured him it was nothing but a work R because she has met me for lunch and he has accompanied us. He said, he was smiling in his face and trying to screw his wife. That man is so happy at home if I walked naked in front of him, he would probably say excuse me, I can't see the TV!!LOL
I did learn that i should not have those tyes of R's because it opens up doors for temptation, but none was jumping off with us. But I do see how we are all wired for affairs and we should never say never, but dude is just like not attractive an anyway to me!!!!!!!!!!
This is the part that irks me though. He was making such a big deal out of that but when I accessed his cell bill, he was talking to a woman all along, not to mention she is the woman who's number is foremost on cell bill now. Why does he hold me to higher standards than he holds himself?
Lordy Girl, you are getting great advice here! Great job with setting boundaries about the glove box thing & not picking up all of the phone calls!
Your H is very, very confused right now. He's also still very much in the stage of needing to convice himself that you are (pick A through Z & fill in the blank) whatever negative thing he can pick out of thin air to justify his own behavior. I remember that stage...Yuck! I remember reading a great technique on these boards once about mirroring back all of the critisisms that get thrown at you. If he says you are ALWAYS this or that, go into a monotone and say, "Yes, I am always this or that, you are so right, I am an imperfect human being". I did that for awhile and found that my H actually started to defend me! DBing is all about doing what works so try things and monitor.
I would definately go grey. Be all kinds of perky & upbeat & complimentary when you do (occassionally) talk to him, but slather on the mystery. You need to take actions to get on with your life (who knows--that may be just what YOU decide YOU want to do anyway!)
Drop the rope & show indifference to whether he comes home or not. I also like the idea of seeing an attorney to see if fashioning a legal separation is possible.
Hey Nitaf - Just wanted to say hi, and ended up learning a lot from tal's post I will be trying the mirror too ! Here's hoping you have a great Wednesday. Slowly
Talista, He called yesterday and I let S answer the phone. After he talked to S he wanted me(the previous day I told him I would call him back and never did). He said, HOw do you feel about him having a motor scooter? I said I told him to ask you if it is ok. This is your decision. He said, what do think? I said I think you will make a good decision. This was a 180 for me. I was always accused of never letting him make decisions regarding S.
Then he said, S said you are getting him a cell phone. I said, yes. He said, you don't need another bill. I said, I was going to get him a prepaid phone. He, said, what happens when the minutes run out? I said, we get more. He said, well, I don't think you need another bill. I said, Ok then I will just get the scooter. He said, get it if you want him to have it. I said, You say scooter, Scooter it is. Would you like to talk to S about your decision? I got off the phone. I always get off 1st.
S said, he went into this long thing about if you don't keep the front of the house neat, empty the trash, and keep your room clean , your not riding it. He is more in tune now about what is going on in the home than when he lived there!
He said, he is coming to mow the lawn today. A couple of weeks ago he was telling me to hire someone to do it????????So confused. He is all over the place.
I have a question. I hope no one is offended. Are any of the other poster African American like myself? I am just really curious. I apologize in advance if anyone is offended.
Not offended. I'm white, and my H is Mexican Indian. Although he was born in Mexico, he was basically raised in California. He is bilingual, and his Spanish has more of an American accent than his English has a Spanish one. Did that make sense??
Hi nitaf....just reading through your thread here to catch up.
I don't know about every body else's WAS, but mine sure as heck let me know that EVERYTHING was ALL my fault....for a long time I heard that.
I also found that ONLY when I mirrored/validated his perceptions did he begin to rethink that....I swear it's still almost funny to think back to how he responded when I started just doing that instead of standing up for myself. It really was like watching the air going out of a balloon.
In response to your last question, I'd have to say I'm white w/some native american, brings up some interesting questions about the influences of cultural variables, doesnt it? I've often thought of that from the standpoint of ethnicity and religion and even rural/urban locals. Of course I can easily confuse even myself, so I guess it just points out how important it is to carefully consider what we do in light of our individual sitch's!
I will be trying the mirror too ! Here's hoping you have a great Wednesday. Slowly