Haven't posted in a long time but have been lurking everyday. I've not been one to really give much advice to others so I don't expect much help on this, but any input would be greatly appreciated...
H moved home about a month ago. Things seemed to be going really well, he acted like he wanted to be here, said all the right things etc. The last few days he has been more like his old self - irritable, unhappy alot etc. I figured it was because he is in the process of quitting his job & looking for a new one - he is getting burned out, etc. That is another story. We do work at the same place.
Anyway, last night he started saying that he is not happy being back here, he loves me but is never going to be husband material for anyone, he only came back to make me happy & because I convinced him he was wrong to leave, made him feel guilty, etc. I asked why he has been acting lovey dovey, affectionate, happy. He said he is just trying to make the best of it. Doesn't like having to be responsible to me, etc. Same old story as before. I really don't think that is why he came back because I think he wanted to at the time. This is a guy who was in prison for 7 years & his freedom is very valuable to him - 1 of our problems when he left - & now after 9 months of being gone, he claims he came back to make me happy & that is the only reason he is here. All he has been saying since he left is that he only feels obligated to make himself happy in life. I can admit that my level of expectations has gradually increased in the time he has been home - maybe he feels that pressure. I can see it myself so I imagine it is bugging him.
So, am I wasting my time? He seems to love & care about me but it seems logical that he will just resent me if he stays. I guess I am hoping it is like Michelle says in her books - he has convinced himself that the way things have been the last month have not been true feelings, etc. He forgets about the good things & only remembers the last couple days which haven't been great.
Do I tell him to go or take the opportunity to truely DR & hopefully he will want to be here? I feel kind of pathetic wanting him to stay but I think that deep down there is more there than he realizes.
I could go on & on w/ details & our conversation last night but figured I would start here. I will try to link my old threads next.
Quote: Do I tell him to go or take the opportunity to truely DR & hopefully he will want to be here? I feel kind of pathetic wanting him to stay but I think that deep down there is more there than he realizes.
My two cents is for you to NOT tell him to go but to DB your, well, butt off. At the 3 month mark and the 6 month mark h told me that he thought he was "done" -- much in the same way that our first bomb dropping had gone -- slightly different that your sitch but still telling nonetheless.
Quote: I could go on & on w/ details & our conversation last night but figured I would start here. I will try to link my old threads next.
Getting some details out there seems like a good next step. Maybe we can help identify the things that are "squeezing" him.
Also...you identify ( ) that you yourself are feeling YOUR pressure .... a good place to start for both of you.
I'm sure it was hard to hear...I always like to acknowledge, though, that your h told you how he was feeling. A good thing in my book.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, I find it interesting that your H said he was "done" at 3 months and 6 months. What made your H stick it out?
My H came home for 3 months last yr. then left and then came home for 3 months this yr. and then left. This yr. H kept asking me what he should do before he moved out. I told him that it was up to him. I told him that I would prefer to work things out but it was up to him. Well, he has been gone for 1 month now.
slt, it's hard because you always 2nd guess yourself if H ends up deciding to leave, at least I do.
I think the best thing you can do is to take all pressure off of him. What do you think H wants in regards to leaving? More independance and freedom? I gave H that and it didn't keep him home.
What helps my sitch is when I back off, get a life, act indifferent, don't ask questions, basically act like I am the WAS.
The only thing I would have changed in my sitch is telling H that it was fine if he left but that I could not promise that I would still be around if he had a change of heart. I think that is what James Dobson calls "tough love."
I could have written this! I'm sorry you're in that place. I know how it feels to be there.
Quote: Anyway, last night he started saying that he is not happy being back here, he loves me but is never going to be husband material for anyone, he only came back to make me happy & because I convinced him he was wrong to leave, made him feel guilty, etc. I asked why he has been acting lovey dovey, affectionate, happy. He said he is just trying to make the best of it. Doesn't like having to be responsible to me, etc. Same old story as before.
My H did this too-- more than once. My advice would be to give Sage's advice a try.
I would not advise asking him to leave. I DID ask my H to leave after what you describe above and then catching him in a lie. While initially, it made it sit up and take notice of what he was doing-- it's also made it harder for him to try again, I think. Like the stakes got higher or something.
Just something to consider.
Try to also keep seeing things from his perspective as well as yours-- you sound like you are doing a good job at that so far-- and see if that helps you DB some more.
Quote: Anyway, last night he started saying that he is not happy being back here, he loves me but is never going to be husband material for anyone, he only came back to make me happy & because I convinced him he was wrong to leave, made him feel guilty, etc. I asked why he has been acting lovey dovey, affectionate, happy. He said he is just trying to make the best of it. Doesn't like having to be responsible to me, etc.
OK -- bear with me...I hope that this doesn't come off as too blunt...
One thing that sort of resonates with me here is that he feels as though he's not living up to your expectations, perhaps? The notion of not being "husband material" is a familiar one to me -- h has told me before that he just doesn't feel cut out for it. What I think that PARTLY means is that he's not sure he can make ME happy (and who can blame him when I'm sometimes just seething with disappointment or resentment or anger over perceived slights?) and PARTLY I think it's about not feeling free enough to BE HIM...to not have to feel responsible for being a "certain way" -- of course, this can be exacerbated by whatever expectations I'm toting around the house.
So...I guess what I'd ask you is this: what are you bringing (back?) to the table about expectations and demands? I'm not saying that you should NEVER be able to expect something from him or hold him responsible but IMHO, that often comes most easily when you can drop the rope and let HIM make the "responsible" choice.
This is my verbose way of saying that it really seems as though he's reacting to the pressure/tightening you described in yourself and if you can get back to a place of loosening your grip...well...perhaps the outcome will surprise you!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Sage, I find it interesting that your H said he was "done" at 3 months and 6 months. What made your H stick it out?
I don't know for sure...I think it was a combination of feeling the pressure released after he said outloud that he still had doubts (and I didn't freak) AND the letting go that I've done/tried to do in terms of expectations and ASSumptions and control.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, What wise words! I even got things out of your posts here. Gave me a little understanding in my H actions as of late.
My 2 cents is go with sage's advice. BUT NEVER ask your S to leave. If they want to go, let it be their choice. Otherwise you will have regrets, believe me I do. It was the worst choice I made.
And thanks sage! your posts were like a light bulb being turned on!
Thanks for the input Sage & everyone else. I don't have time right now to post & address your questions, & advice. But, I wanted to link my prior threads quick.
Will be back soon. Can't spend as much time on here w/ H home right now.
I know that he feels he can't meet my expectations but I am trying so hard to not have any. I have been pretty much doing everything since he has been back because I know part of him leaving was not wanting the responsibilitys of marriage, a home, being responsible to another person etc. My hope is that eventually he will want to contribute & help out. I figured that I was doing it all by myself when he wasn't here so i would just continue. But, the volume of laundry, cooking, cleaning etc certainly increases with 2 people.
Things have been going really well the last week. He has been going to a friend's after work everyday for a couple hours to work on his truck but has made a point to come home by 7:30 or so for dinner. In the past I would have been mad that he was spending his time doing that instead of coming right home but this time I have been okay with it - & wouldn't have said anything even if it did bother me. He even commented last night that he thought we were doing really good.
Today he started in on me when he got up, out of the blue, about doing his laundry wrong, not getting it clean enough. He was picking on me about some other stuff & I was arguing with him & explaining myself. He said all I ever do is try to justify everything I do wrong. I think this means I should be validating instead of "justifying"? I feel like sometimes I have to defend myself but maybe it would be better to just let it go for now?
He left tonight & is staying w/ his kids - I dont know if this is just for tonight or if he is leaving again. He is saying that he thinks I don't really love him & just want someone here, that I just don't want to get divorced again. I don't know why he goes off like this, & I obviously am not handling it the right way. Last weekend I was at my sister's for 1 day & he text messaged me & said he missed me & wished I was home. And now this... Everything can be going great & then we have 1 bad day & he says it is over. I don't know how to get him to see that marraiges have ups & downs & that I will never be perfect no matter how hard i try. When we have "good" talks, he knows this but at times like this, it is like he is just waiting for me to tell him to go.
) that you yourself are feeling YOUR pressure .... a good place to start for both of you.
I don't have time right now to post & address your questions, & advice. But, I wanted to link my prior threads quick. 
Everything can be going great & then we have 1 bad day & he says it is over. I don't know how to get him to see that marraiges have ups & downs & that I will never be perfect no matter how hard i try. When we have "good" talks, he knows this but at times like this, it is like he is just waiting for me to tell him to go.