As to the original point, be you. Live your life and continue examining yourself. Keep your focus there. You will 'differentiate' her into a mode where she will be forced to make more choices. She cannot stay the same if you continue to differentiate.
But, keep in mind, the book says, "acting differentiated is a clear example of being undifferentiated." So don't think about it, or the 'relationship.' Stay center focused. The rest will take care of itself.
As a last ditch effort, save your pennies and haul your wife out to Colorado to see Schnarch. Or, he does do Couples Retreats, which you might be interested in...
I've been trying to figure out a way to do that too. It would cost about $6500K for his fees ($5K), airfare($750), and lodging($750) or $5k to see Ruth. They had no referrals for therapists in my area but there IS a couple guys who work together in Dallas and they are willing to do an intensive week with us.
Now that I'm going to be in Dallas for the next few weeks, I'm going to give them a call and see if I can have an appointment to go over all this stuff with them. I'll report back.
-Dave (who got the executive suite at the holiday in express in Jackson, Miss for the price of a regular room...the only difference? It has a jacuzzi bathtub next to the bed...freakin weird.)
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: ...I feel like something BIG has happened with me. And I think that something BIG needs to happen with my spouse or we just simply won't be playing in the same ball-game anymore.
Very true. In what way(s) have you communicated the new boundaries to your wife? What are you doing differently with her? Your own differentiation will indeed trigger her differentiation, but only if you DO something. Talk with her about it. Let her know what's happening with you, if you haven't already. But primarily, DO something different, WITHOUT her permission - stretch the relationship. A great example is in the page 200-202 range, with the story about eyes-open kissing (and kissus-interruptus). The wife went ahead and did something different, without "permission". Even though the husband objected, she searched within herself, validated her own motivations, and stood up for herself. Some difficult times followed, but finally he "got it".
Quote: .....and then....there is still that sexual desire. That pesky desire that has nothing to do with validation, procreation, needyness, or anything else other than just wanting to BONE with the woman I love!
Again, examine your motivations. Make sure you want her, and not just any warm body. Make sure you're not just approaching it from the "piece of meat" model. Re-read "who wants to want?". Great information there. Depending on where the two of you are at, work at exploring your sexual potential there. If she's still resistant, then you have more work ahead of you - perhaps there's still some fusion there... another issue (or two, or more) to work through. Do like Schnarch does, and examine your sexual interactions to find clues to the rest of your relationship and life. Keep reading...
Communication of my boundaries has been an ongoing process done through open and clear statements as well as actions which back them up. The best thing I could have done here is to grow a backbone about my boundaries while still maintaining a loving understanding of my wife's very crappy developmental years.
Another great thing about this stuff is that I only need my permission! I wonder what took me so long to figure this out. It seems so simple. I am sure it had to do with me getting some sort of self-esteem out of "helping" others and hating to put my foot down out of fear of pissing someone off. NO MORE OF THAT CRAP! This has been a bit tough on the wife but she is learning to cope.
A lot of my wife's troubles have to do with my her paralyzing fears of abandonment (mother left her when she was 1 year old), her father's poor parenting skills ("you are helpless so you better find yourself a good man to take care of you!" is what my wife heard all the time growing up), in addition to her step-grandfather's attempts to molest her when she was 8-10 years old and no one doing anything about it. In the past, I always had this big desire to "help" her by being a sort of surrogate parent (major bad idea). Watching my wife struggle is kind of painful for me from time to time but I know it is necessary. I just lend an ear or shoulder when she needs it and stick to my guns.
Oh yeah, my motivations. From a sexual standpoint my motivation stems from wanting to grow closer with my wife (about 85%). The other 15% just wants the feeling of passion and "warm body" My wife knows this on no uncertain terms. She knows that I want HER because of who she is and because I love her, but she also is aware that there is a smaller part of me that wants the physical act of sex for no other reason than just the physical act of sex. If I were to lead her to believe differently I would be lying to her (that is another by product of this whole differentiation thing, you no longer feel compelled to hide the truth or tell "little white lies" to protect someone or yourself). It is up to her to decide what she wants to do with that (and all the rest of it as well).
Meat, I loved this post. This is exactly how I feel re: the desire. Nearly all of my desire is for my husband and driven by him and inspired by him. Some isn't. I am done apologizing for that. It is just the way my body and mind work together. The need for sex that I feel isn't always some lofty, wonderful, idealistic loving need. Sometimes I just want the release.
However, I am not always lofty and philisophical about LOTS of things in my life--this is no different. I am not using my husband, nor do I ever forget for one second who is on the receiving end of my desire. It is HIM that I search out when I feel like this.
Anyway, I just wanted to shout a big Hear, Hear! to you for posting it in such an uncompromising way. I feel the same.
Sex is both a physical act AND an emotional act. Us HD guys shouls not have to ALWAYS justify sex as some kind of emotional connection. Sometimes, sex should be done for the FUN OF IT. It does not always have to carry some deep significant meaning. When a HD man and Women get together, they KNOW this, that sex can be a FUN activity. Like going out to play a round of golf, or to play tennis, sex is something that should be done frequently for the FUN of it. This is when you can get into LM sessions that go on for hours, maybe even a whole weekend. How many LD spouses want to go to a hotel for a weekend and never leave the room? They always want to go out and see the sights, why not just spend the day screwing each others brains out in as many different ways using as many different fantasies as possible. WHO SAYS IT HAS TO HAVE SOME UNDERLYING DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION EVERY FREAKIN TIME! I think from PM, I can see where once the trust has been established in sex, then this is where the partners have the chance to REALLY expand the envelope of sexual experiences, and believe me, from what I have read, it is not even possible to experience ALL the variations possible in monogomous sex.
CeMar, keep reading. Have you read yet about Doing, Being Done, and F*cking? Deep, deep meaning, and HOT!!
From where I sit, sex ALWAYS has meaning, even in the situation you describe. Even m'b8tion has meaning. Just different levels of meaning. The way I read PM, I really REALLY want to reach those deep levels of meaning - that is where the truly HOT sex is. But that's just me...
I may be at 50/50 presently.