Hi JAckie.......don't get around here much.........but wanted to stop in on some of the "oldies"..you have come along way...we both know the wait and patience have all been worth it. There are many days that I wonder about many things, but have to re foccus on the good that I have. I loved the saying that totite wrote about forgiving..how true..the forgetting gets easier each day, but will always be there to some degree. Keep taking care of you....
Just stopping by to see how things are going for you! I want to thank you for dropping by my thread, it's so comforting to hear from some of you ather DBers!
Your sitch is going ok! Glad to see you are still on the right path!
Hard to believe I'm considered and oldie and I'm shocked how long this all took to get back to normal. Things are good between H and I. No more eggshells, and that is such a wonderful feeling.
Now the problem is the family fallout! Warning to anyone in the early stages: keep family out of it! Z had great advice a long time ago about being firm with family, that they must follow your lead, but everything in the book is true, they feel your pain and do and say stupid things!
Here's my current problem and I don't know if I should stick my nose in or not. My H and I both have one sibling, mine lives overseas and H's brother is 1.5 hours away.
Last year there was a baby shower for my BIL's first set of twins. H dedicded he was too busy getting ready for overseas business trip and we couldn't go. BIL and SIL have come to all our boy's b-day parties. H was in big fog back then and I had been told by the T to let H deal with his family's social plans.
For the baby's christening, H and I had just separated so H tooks boys on his own. T-giving we were S and H and boys went to MIL and spent it with his family. X-mas they had a Saturday early and H had invited me along.
My birthday in April I didn't hear boo from them and then H's b-day was two weeks ago and they didn't call or send card.
So now we have an invite to the first b-day party. H&I had bought Penn State tickets about 5 months ago for the day. H called and gave BIL his regrets. I wanted to take one of the kids to the party, so H and s5 were going to the game and S7 and I to the party. I emailed BIL to make suree this was okay.
BIL called H and told him the email from me really pissed him off, that they have come to all the boy's b-day parties and how would H feel if his SIL and her son came to the party. So I think I'm not welcome.
I don't know if I should get try and make peace, I have stayed out of this and all social plans, but by our skipping events, it has really put a strain between the two and our families are so small, these are the boys only cousins. H is hurt that they didn't even call and check the date with us, if we had plans, I used to do that with the boys party and he is hurt that they forgot his b-day. I just see this being blown out of control and then they will refuse to come to the b-day party in October for s7.
I've floated the idea with H about selling tomorrow's tickets, since we now know how BIL feels and that in his own way he was telling H that is was important to him that H be there.
I'm tempted to email BIL and let him know that I would like s7 to be there, even if he would prefer that I'm not there, I'm not sure if he is objecting to my presense or H's lack of presence. I just want to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control.
If anyone had any advice or sees something that I'm missing, let me know. My goal is to have a cordial relationship with my inlaws and for my boys to have a chance to know their cousins.
Quote: I'm tempted to email BIL and let him know that I would like s7 to be there, even if he would prefer that I'm not there, I'm not sure if he is objecting to my presense or H's lack of presence
Assume he's upset about H NOT coming, not about you coming. Don't get sucked into any personal conflicts with the in-laws - you don't have to love them, just have to be polite, remember??
Yes, probably the best solution would be to give up the game tickets and go to the birthday party. Not that it's FAIR - people should really check with you first if they are going to be bent out of shape over a party missed - but people do get kind of silly about first birthday parties.
Bear in mind, too, that it might be SIL and not BIL who's stirring the pot - guys don't usually get so bent out of shape about these things, so unless BIL usually has issues with his brother, it might be that his wife is giving him hell.
So I suggest that H suck it up, give up the tickets, and go. There'll be other games. This is not about you, Jackie.
The rational part of my brain tells me that, it isn't about me. But H is hurt too and I think the right thing is to give up the tickes and go, but I guess I don't want the wrath of H on me, because I forced him to give up the tickets. I really don't know what I can do to have him understand this or willingly make the decision. We talked a bit this morning on the phone and I did validate his feelings, that I understood all his pain, but that it seems really important to BIL that H is there. So H wasn't really angry at me, he did say thank you for understanding how he was feeling and them someone walked in his office and we ended the conversation. I don't know to call him back and pursue this to preserve family peace, as it does impact the kids, or let H cause a rift that will take awhile to heal (and he can hold a gruge like no man, so possibly BIL has those same traits!)
The rational part of my brain tells me that, it isn't about me. But H is hurt too and I think the right thing is to give up the tickes and go, but I guess I don't want the wrath of H on me, because I forced him to give up the tickets. I really don't know what I can do to have him understand this or willingly make the decision. We talked a bit this morning on the phone and I did validate his feelings, that I understood all his pain, but that it seems really important to BIL that H is there. So H wasn't really angry at me, he did say thank you for understanding how he was feeling and them someone walked in his office and we ended the conversation. I don't know to call him back and pursue this to preserve family peace, as it does impact the kids, or let H cause a rift that will take awhile to heal (and he can hold a gruge like no man, so possibly BIL has those same traits!)
Quote: The rational part of my brain tells me that, it isn't about me. But H is hurt too and I think the right thing is to give up the tickes and go, but I guess I don't want the wrath of H on me, because I forced him to give up the tickets.
If we are talking Bengals tickets, givem to me!! Anyway, to be cereal, would it hurt to be the giver in this situation??? Just currious???
Anyway, remember dont force a fart, you could load your pants and then it would stink...
I think from here on out it is your H's issue. I'm sure it is your H that BIL is disappointed in and not you. It is for your H to fix or not fix. I think you've done everything you could.
I am so glad to here how well things are going. I am going to update my thread and please guide me thru my next thoughts and actions.
Thanks for all of your support!!! Have a great labor day weekend!
Hi Jackie, I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon here and say you played it out as best as you can to infuence the best outcome. You show him support which boosted him while expressing your opinion which is the best choice to make, but as other have said, it his choice to make. Time know to sit on the curb and hope for the best on this one.
We had our best friends over that night and we had lots of wine and argued the point. It was nice to not be such a shrinking violet--I tried to steer teh conversation to a different topic, but this one was just more fertile. H asked my opinion and instead of being wishy-washy I gave it.
We did go to the party. And as much as H and I weren't really looking forward to it, we seemed to bond over the way the decision was made. We both took turns at being annoyed at BIL, he had called me to express his displeasure with H and brought up a bunch of things from last year. I listened and told him there wasn't much I could do, it was H's decision, but now that H knows how BIL felt, it might influence his decision. They both said similar things--it was like two alpha males defending their actions. We were polite and smiled at the party and H didn't say any of the nasty things that crossed his mind!
Crisis averted. But if feels much better to state my mind than not. I know that the T had said for me to stay out of family issues with H's side of the family, but if left to his own devices, H would never speak to his BIL and SIL again. I'm sure there is more family stuff to come up, but I think we will survive it. In a bizarre way, H was sticking up for me, why should we go to their party when they treat you so badly? Of course BIL and SIL are in their own little "me" world that they don't see any of that, but H does and that is all that really matters.
