Betsey - Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, I can see it was something you were trying to avoid, and I'm touched you went ahead and wow, what a post.
It has made a big difference to how I see H's A. He and I both have been on a path for the past 20 years of being very task oriented, and I guess he saw the emotional need before I did.
I'm concerned that he does not seem to want to confront these needs, even to himself, he keeps saying there is/was NOTHING missing from our R, he just engaged with OW for the 'pleasure of her company'. But I do know that H and I are in for the long haul, and there will be a time when we will be able to discuss this openly.
In the meantime, I'm gonna just continue what is working. Thanks again, Betsey. You are an incredible person, and I'm honored to have you in my cyber-life. Big hug, Slowly
Hi Sage - I'm glad to have you at this party - hijack away. I tend to see thread owners as hosts, and that the party really comes to life and takes shape when partygoers arrive By the way, I LIKE the addition to your signoff. Such a simple concept, but long term crazymakers like us seem to need the constant reminder Slowly
Slowly, youve been so kind and helpful in the past. I need your help again. Could you please visit my thread and give your comments on the last 2 days. "What Now" Surviving the big D. Thank you, Randy
Hey, Slowly, just wanted to chime in here and give you a bit of recognition. I'm still (after a couple of years lurking on the boards) stunned and impressed at how people are able to change and grow. Your choice to view the A as information is pretty impressive.
That said, of course you struggle with lesser emotions like jealousy and rage. I think you may be right about the feelings coming out from under the rug they've been staying for a while. Time for a new broom. . .
Quote: Spoke to H last night and he updated me that OW's H called him to confirm that A was over. It was quite depressing as H was chatting about how OW's H was amazed that in such a short time my H was able to gain so much trust from OW, how OW continues to maintain that my H will be the love of her life forever etc. The fact that H found it necessary to tell me about this is curious. I almost get the sense that he is trying to justify why it is taking so long to wrap up?Hmmm. Maybe. Or maybe he wants to show you how GOOD he is at dealing with someone else's emotions. Was part of the draw to OW your H's need to rescue a damsel? What do you think your H got from being able to GIVE her understanding that she could not get from her H?
I also think that part of my problem is how H and OW's H have been having discussions about OW and her needs, her amazing strength in holding on, her priorities etc . I guess the child in me is feeling left out. Bruised pride may have a lot to do with the current angst So understandable. Maybe there can be a way to DB here. Maybe you can find the small tiny moments that your H DOES address your needs and really make him feel like the hero there. I'll bet it is easier for him to address OW's wounds because HE DOESN'T FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR CAUSING THEM! He may feel too guilty and inadequate in addressing yours.
I sometimes feel that with dbing, much of my underlying hurt and anger has been put on the shelf away from daily life. It may be that now some of the 'risk' to R is abating, emotions that have been left aside are demanding attention. I think this is also extremely common for the DB'ers and it really has been brough home for me in the threads I have read where spouses return, etc. We really have put our hearts into boxes and shelved our needs in addressing ours. No solution offered...just recognition of the pain you feel. Sending you hugs and healing.
Slowly, You are traveling your path well and are example to us all. I do believe that there is a way to have our spouses give us what we need and what they give so freely to others. Look for the small signs and small ways in which he begins to take care of you and then PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE him.
You are so good at taking care of all of us...I'll bet you do that with everyone in your surroundings. He may need some encouragement that he can do that well for you.
Thanks for talking me down. You got me off the ledge but I still jumped - just not from as high up. I sent A letter - not THE letter but a nice friendly missive with a few non-threatening questions.
I wanted to say thanks again. As well as check in and see how you are doing? You've been journeying around the board helping and advising and I just wanted to see about your sitch. No crazymaking lately? All calm on the western front? We all know how hard this is for everyone in this position and our thoughts are with you.
The travel back, and a hectic weekend, not much time to post
Randy, I hope the links I'd pasted on your thread were helpful, I'll check in again later.
Fix - wow, you seem to have quite a handful, my heart goes out to you. Thanks for your support here.
Maya - it is so good to have your perspective on H's actions. thank you, my friend
Totally - yes, I've been visiting, procrastinating about the reflective hard work I know I must keep at
But things can be put off for only so long Journalling the past few days:
Positives + H and I are getting more comfortable with each other, sharing more thoughts and feelings + we had a great weekend with friends, and caught a musical show, which was FAB + my client was happy with the work we delivered last week, so looking forward to a more relaxing week at work
Negatives - OW got back in touch with H on Friday afternoon, insisting at least phone contact is maintained. All H says is that he will have to 'manage' this. Ah well
Time to regroup * I do feel like I'm letting things drift a little (is this my controlling tendencies resurfacing?) For my own sense of direction, I need to do some thinking about goals and baby steps * Been lurking on the KLA thread, looks like great discussions, may join in. Hmmm.
Yet another potentially roller coaster week, I seem to be weathering these better now, long may this strength last Needed to take a step back and look at my life aspirations, and what short term goals would help me make it through what is still a difficult time.
Big Picture + When it is time to meet my maker, I would like to be able to look back on a life that was lived to the full, of joy, and of growth + With my updated self awareness, I know that I want to journey through this charmed life with a partner, and I choose H to be this partner + H has indicated that he too chooses me to be his life partner. Over time, he WILL get over OW, and WILL engage with me, forsaking all others. I know this is important to me, as I need to be secure in the knowledge that my chosen life partner is totally fulfilled in our R. + I want to give back to humanity and nature some of the joys that I have and continue to enjoy. Helping in my own way to provide relief from pain.
Interim Goals - for May 2004 1. I will continue my voyage of spiritual exploration and growth. This has centered me, and boosted personal strength 2. Enjoy family and friends connection - it takes time and effort every day to make a little connection, but the rewards are immense. Discovering depths to folks I have not touched in a long time. Gifts all around me that I've not appreciated in the past. Continue to support folks on this BB when I can contribute positively 3. Allow H space to deal with his issues. We now have R (and A, OW) talks about once a week, and H seems to value my input. S L O W L Y getting our R back to what it should be, then improving it 4. Keep on filling H's tank. With hindsight, I've been careless about this (as has he). I will keep in mind his LLs and work on these consciously first, then as a habit. 5. Take good care of my health. Long overdue visit to the dentist, and ugh, need to fix bags under my eyes Must get back to a more settled sleep pattern 6. Keep an eye on our financial stability. Still no progress on selling the flat, sigh 7. Spring clean and shift unwanted usables to Oxfam 8. Start putting some structure around charitable works. Contact some agencies and inquire about volunteer work
Well, it will certainly be a busy May. Hopefully no time to crazymake Folks, I am certain I will meander from this wonderfully designed path, so I'm counting on you to get the 2x4s and keep me focused. No doubt there will also be some days when these lofty goals mean nothing against the background of H still being in contact with OW, and I know I can come here to vent, and get PMA boosts. Thank you so much for being here. Hugs, Slowly
HI Slowly, Checking in on you too! Your goals sound good! I continue to pursue having a stronger r with God though it is hard at times. I lose faith so easily.
You are going to be very busy with these goals. how will you obtain them? What will you be doing to live your life to the fullest? How will you be acting/feeling?
hope you had a good rest of the weekend. take care. karen812
I'm back for a short period of time and just checking in! Your list of positives and goals are outstanding... I see a winner here in this corner.
HOn, not to sound negative or anything, but no reassurance is necessary. This is stuff that just needs to be worked out over time.
Oddly enough, I saw on my caller ID Saturday morning that OM tried to call me. The only thing I can think is that he felt some vibe from me because I was thinking about him. He didn't leave a message and I'm not returning the call....
Time to check out a few more threads and I need to get to work.
Take care all!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
By the way, I LIKE the addition to your signoff. Such a simple concept, but long term crazymakers like us seem to need the constant reminder 
Slowly 
So understandable. Maybe there can be a way to DB here. Maybe you can find the small tiny moments that your H DOES address your needs and really make him feel like the hero there. I'll bet it is easier for him to address OW's wounds because HE DOESN'T FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR CAUSING THEM! He may feel too guilty and inadequate in addressing yours. 
Journalling the past few days: